Hussey Doubtful

A cloud hung over Eddie Hussey this afternoon which was quite unusual as it was a rare sunny day in Wellington. Hussey may not be available for the vital semi-final clash against Brookers, which was a concern to Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall. "Eddie covers a lot of ground in a match and is a very good defender" said Hall "our best defensive line up seems to be Ben paired with Eddie, and either myself or Andy in goal". The indoor game is built on defence and we'll need to get that sorted for the next two games as we can't afford to give ten goals away again and expect to win". Hall said the availabilty of Mystery Matt would provide some much needed additional firepower up front and he was predicting a Rovers semi-final win by at least ten goals. "Brookers are a powder puff team but you never know what might happen in a sudden death scenario so we'll have to be up for it".

Pollock Says Toughen Up

Land Rovers Supporters President Liz Pollock said today that Rovers needed to stop playing like big girls if they were to take out the coveted Division 7 title. "I hope that 10 - 1 thrashing was a wake up call to the team" said Pollock "and I might have to get Jason in to teach them the finer points of Ice Hockey tactics, as frankly they've lost their spine since Chris Riddle moved on". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he thought Rovers could reverse the 10 - 1 thrashing in the final, but the team needed to take one game at a time and beat Brookers in the semi-final first. "We'd like another crack at Ten Left Feet and I'm sure we won't be lacking motivation for the final". said Hall.

Munted

Land Rovers slumped to their heaviest league defeat today when taken to the cleaners by an energetic Ten Left Feet. "I blame myself" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "as I stood myself down from selection for the day and the boys turned in a below par effort". Hall said the defensive side of the Rovers game fell apart and at time the opposition were walking through and taking pot shots. "The discipline wasn't there and I think we had too many easy games and failed to lift our game for the big match" said Hall "and Charlie (pictured) was a bit soft in goal". Fortunately the game was meaningless as far as qualification went and Land Rovers actually got the easier semi-final draw as a result. "We've drawn Brookers at 12.30 on 7 February at the Shed of Dreams" said Hall "and I'm expecting we'll be getting another crack at Ten Left Feet in two weeks".

Final Score: Rovers 1 Ten Left Feet 10

Smith's Dream Sunk By Rooney

As earlier predicted by Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall, Pompey are now out of the FA Cup after Manyoo gave them a lesson in football. "Charlie has been busy lately getting e mail from Chris Riddle's brother explaining why Pompey aren't up to much" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "so he'll be disappointed that Manyoo have proved the point. Smith said he made a few observations about Southampton FC and has since been receiving a constant stream of e mail pointing out why Pompey aren't up to much. "There is a bit of a rivalry between the clubs" said Hall "but the way it's going Charlie had better not go near Southampton again".

Switch To Ice Hockey Unlikely

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this evening that rumours circulating that Land Rovers were about to enter an Ice Hockey competition were nonsense. "I know Liz Pollock our supporters club president would quite enjoy watching a few rumbles on the rink" said Hall "but frankly the task of getting the ice in and out of the Shed of Dreams each week would be a nightmare". Hall said there were then the practical difficulties that no one owned skates. "I can see this would be a sport that Charlie could well make a name for himself in" said Hall "he certainly has the build for it". Hall said this sort of rumour usually went around as the regular season came to an end and the press had nothing to do but have too many drinks down at Dockside.

Hall To Stand Down

Rumours circulated today that Land Rovers Manager would stand down from the top of the table clash with Ten Left Feet on Monday. Hall who starts a new day job that day may not be able to play in the fixture. Ten Left Feet are just three points behind Land Rovers and therefore who qualifies top of the division may will depend on the outcome of this match.

Rovers are rumoured to be talking to a prominent player about signing for Rovers. "Yes we are in discussions with a big name player" said Hall "but he is likely not going to be available until next season so isn't likely to be on board in time for the finals series". Hall said it would be nice to beat Ten Left Feet but the final series now had to be the focus.

White Ponders Tactics

Land Rovers Defender come goalscorer Ben White turned his thoughts to football tactics today when he circulated a tactical guide to indoor football tactics to fellow squad members. "I think he's getting bored scoring goals and wants to move into a tactical leadership role" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but we need the lad focusing on his knitting over the next two weeks if we're going to defend the championship". Rovers head into a tough match against second placed Ten Left Feet on Monday, who are likely to be the opposition in the final if both teams get through. "It's the business end of the season and I'd like to see Ben focusing on his game" said Hall "he'll get a square head thinking about tactics". Hall said Monday's game would settle the minor premiership and Rovers needed only a draw to head into the finals as top seed.

Provoking Evolution?

Ben White today had another blinder against Provoke Evolution at the Shed of Dreams this morning. With a humid 22 degrees outside, the temperatures inside the cauldron must have soared to at least 24. Rovers welcomed back Charlie Smith into the Rovers line up from the frozen wastelands of Portsmouth. Provoke Evolution cunningly turned up late and for a while it looked like a default, but once the game got underway it was clear they had decided that getting physical was the way to blunt the Rovers game. "They reminded me a lot of how we used to play when Chris Riddle was around" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "they finally wracked up five fouls and we got a penalty, and it was nice to see it happening to another team and not us". Hall was cautioned for retaliation himself showing that Rovers hadn't completely lost the reputation for putting it about. "I thought we were pretty average today but that was a result of the way the opposition tried to provoke us" said Hall "but Ben certainly was on his attacking game although I think we missed Eddie at the back". Hall said it Rovers would need to go up a cog or two to beat Ten Left Feet but he couldn't complain about thirteen goals being scored.

Final Score: Rovers 13 Provoke Evolution 2

Smith Retires

Charlie Smith retired from all football yesterday for five minutes before being drafted back into the Rovers squad for the match tomorrow against Provoke Evolution. "I thought I'd flag it away as I'm moving to Perth anyway" said Smith "but with injuries and unavailability I was immediately called out of retirement for the match tomorrow". Smith will return as goalkeeper initially, a position that tends to get his blood pressure up. "The lad usually has a bit to say for himself when he plays in goal" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but with several players unavailable for this match we needed his services so he's straight back in after his English sojourn". Mystery Matt will also make his season debut after starring in the final series last season. "We need a bit of punch up front" said Hall "I've been strangely off my normal goal scoring form since I became grossly unfit around October".

Smith Dreams Of Trophy

Charlie Smith returned to New Zealand dreaming of winning one more trophy before he headed off to live in Perth. "I've seen some of the biggest trophies in the game on my travels" said Smith "and I want to win the championship one more time before my Rovers time is up". Smith said he was back to challenge for a place in the Rovers line up and disregarded suggestions from the manager that he wouldn't make the squad again. "He's playing head games with me to get me motivated" said Smith "but frankly after seeing all that silverware I'm raring to go". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was unavailable for comment on whether Smith was in the line up for Wednesday.

Hall Empathises With Mourinho

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said today he could understand the frustration of Jose Mourinho having no money to spend during the January transfer window. Chelsea lost 2 - 0 to Liverpool and Mourinho indicated that he needed at least two more players as replacements for his injured squad. "I've been trying to get money out of the Rovers Management team to buy some quality players" said Hall "but I'll have to push on with the ones we have as Dean has said he hasn't got any money for players this year". Hall said the fact that Mourinho and Chelsea were not able to spend up at large in January was a worry for Chelsea fans, but Hall admitted those like himself with Man U leanings weren't quite as concerned. "Maybe Jose will actually have to start managing now" said Hall "he can't actually buy anyone he likes anymore". Hall said he hoped he could flog off Charlie Smith for a few quid to a Perth club to free up funds.

Pompey Bogged Down

With Charlie Smith out of the country and on his way back to sunny Wellington, Portsmouth FC have got "bogged down" in a toilet seat theft by one of their players Glen Johnson. The toilet seat was being nicked from B&Q in Dartford in Kent when incredulous staff stepped in. "We all recognised Johnson but no one could quite believe a bloke like him, with all that money, would be moronic enough to nick a toilet seat" said the worker who did not wish to be identified. "This is pretty much on par for Pompey" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "they try to pretend they are a class outfit but they are time and time again dragged back to the sewer". Charlie Smith was unavailable for comment but was understood to have thought the story was a load of crap but Johnson said the incident occurred because he wasn't flush with money.

Smith Selection Puzzler

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed this evening that he was undecided on whether Charlie Smith would play for Rovers again. Smith about to return from the UK has been absent during a period of considerable on field success for Rovers with six straight wins. "I'm not saying the lad is disruptive" said Hall "but we look a far more disciplined unit when he isn't in the country". Smith who returns to New Zealand for only a short time before making a permanent move to Perth was hopeful he'd get some game time before he left. "I'm sure the gaffer will give me a run" said Smith "after all I'm a team founder". Hall said there was little doubt that Smith was useful for marketing purposes and retaining him might sell shirts. "I heard rumours LA Galaxy are interested in talking to Charlie" said Hall "which no doubt explains his three days in California on the way home".

Hall Gives Up Full Time Football Management

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall confessed this afternoon that after winning six games on the trot, he'd decided to take a day job to keep himself off the streets. "I know we've had a 100% record since I became a full time football manager" reported Hall "but there is only so much one can take of sitting on the beach dreaming up football tactics". Hall said he thought he'd bring a fresher approach if he took up day time employment again, and he did quite enjoy working in IT. "Football management is a great occupation but unfortunately we haven't yet got a rich Russian backer to keep me in the manner to which I want to become accustomed". Hall said he'd start a day time job again on the 29th and it was too early to say if this would impact his availability for Rovers.

Up Creek With A Paddle

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this morning that the trick to football management was never finding yourself up the creek without a paddle. Hall said he had no idea what he meant by that other than it sounded like the sort of management twaddle that he was expected to pour out as a manager to ensure the team believed he had a greater vision for the team than they were aware of. "Frankly the plan is to win every game and therefore long term planning isn't required" said Hall "but yes there is a strategy to it but I'm not telling the media about it as we'd be broadcasting it to the opposition". Hall confirmed that next weeks opponents Provoke Evolution might well be up a creek somewhere without a paddle after seven straight losses. "It might pay however for the Rovers to remember though that we had to come from behind to beat them by a single goal last time" said Hall.

Hall Manages Rovers From The Beach

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall relaxed today at Scorching Bay on Wellington harbour after the 13 - 0 win yesterday against Brookers. Hall said the way the league stood at present there was a very good chance that Brookers would be the Rovers semi-final opponent. "Brookers are currently fourth and if Ten Left Feet won their match today, then Brookers can't be headed in fourth place" said Hall "which means if we can win our last two games we'll be facing Brookers in the semi-final". Hall said two of the teams that would probably have made the semi-final Post-It and Intergen failed to pay their fees on time and therefore failed to pick up the ten bonus points for doing so. "These two teams play each other in the final round and therefore the loser will be out of the semi-final". said Hall. Hall said being a full time football manager was paying dividends as not only were Rovers going well but he thought sitting on the beach sure beat sitting in an office. "I'm adjusting quite well to the lifestyle" said Hall.

Unlucky For Brookers

A refreshed Land Rovers team recovered from the long holiday lay off with a comprehensive thrashing of Brookers today 13 - 0. "I think what was satisfying abut that win was we weren't at our best and yet we knocked in thirteen goals whilst keeping a clean sheet" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall. Brookers never looked competitive even before the game but there was always a danger Rovers wouldn't fire in the humid conditions. "Any fears we had were allayed early on when we scored two or three in the opening minutes" said Hall "and Eddie and Ben mopped up any incursions into our half". As the game wore on Brookers dropped deeper and deeper into their own half to try and contain the Rovers attack. "They dropped back and had two players marking me most of the time" said Hall "but this left huge gaps in behind for Ben (pictured) to take pot shots at their goal". Hall said it was like a rifle range in the last three or four minutes and the last goal was a stunner as White knocked one in from half way. "A good opener for Rovers" said Hall "and Ben White must have got some new shooting boots for Christmas".

Final Score: Rovers 13 Brookers 0

Holiday Over for Rovers

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said today that the holiday was over for the Rovers squad as they faced Brookers tomorrow in the Shed of Dreams. "It will no doubt be hot and muggy and difficult to gasp the air" said Hall "and then we'll kick off and it will get worse". Hall said he himself had put himself through an intensive programme of video game playing since Christmas after he purchased Fifa 2007. "This game has a an upgraded management feature and I'm currently building a Rovers squad that will go on to win the Premiership" said Hall "but I reckon the principles are the same so in real life we'd have to be a chance for the Division 7 championship". Hall said Brookers wasn't the best performed team in the league but no one can be underestimated. "We're building to a good unit but we didn't play very well back in the grading games and we don't want to slip back to that standard". The game kicks off at 1 pm in the Shed of Dreams.

Smith Says He'll Lick Beckham's Boots.

Charlie Smith today confirmed this afternoon that he was available to lick Beckham's boots. providing they belonged to Victoria Beckham. "Obviously we'd have to sort out the details with regarding payment" said Smith "but I think if she'll accept a thousand quid a week I might be able to get my money back by providing photographic evidence to The Sun". Smith said licking boots wasn't all that bad and he'd had a bit of practice at home as a way of escaping the doghouse.

Victoria Beckham meanwhile is reportedly set to star in Tom Cruise's new Scientology film. The Spice Girl has apparently been lined up to play an alien bride in The Thetan - based on the science fiction fantasy world of Ron Hubbard. "I had a feeling I might be able to play the Thetan" said Smith "as I'm sure the fringe benefits must be worth it".

Spot The Statue Competition

Land Rovers marketing manager Heather Fernandes today launched a new concept in Internet competitions. "We've seen spot the ball before and it has become a little old hat" said Fernandes "so I'm launching a spot the statue competition". Fernandes said that somewhere in the photo (right) is a statue and anyone who can successfully pick the statue will get a free pint from Charlie Smith on his return from England, providing they can spot him with his hand on his wallet at the Occidental. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he'd heard Smith had transferred to LA Galaxy to work as David Beckham's boot cleaner. "Apparently as Beckham is on a million dollars a week, he can now afford to have Charlie lick his boots" said Hall.

Hall Offers Halstead Strikers Role

With Team Wellington expecting an exodus of players following the continuation of their poor form. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall is poised to make a bid for Team Wellington striker Peter Halstead. "We missed out on Andy Barron when he went back to play for Canterbury" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "so we don't want to miss out on a chance of signing Halstead". Hall said an offer in the vicinity of five pints per match was possible if Halstead wanted to make the move to Rovers. "He can't be having much fun playing for Mick Waite who keeps subbing him for reasons unknown to the local fans" said Hall "and let's face it, Team Wellington don't have much chance of winning anything under the current regime". Hall said Rovers were well on track to retain their title although the return of Smith later in January could unsettle the side. "Six weeks in Pommyland will no doubt go to his head" said Hall "he'll be thinking he knows something about football again".

Trophy Hunting

Recovering today from the disappointment of the FA Cup draw, Charlie Smith scooted off to Anfield to see the sort of trophy cabinet that Pompey could only dream about. "I had a taste of winning a championship with Rovers" said Smith "so I know what winning is all about, but Rovers will have to collect a few more yet to match this". Smith stated he was confident that Pompey could overcome the the FA Cup draw and go on to win the trophy. He also said that Pompey would march on to a top four position in the Premiership and qualify for Europe next season.

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said it was all very well Smith frollicking around football grounds in Britain, but he had to plan for Rovers next fixture on Monday. "We're focussed on putting another trophy in our cabinet, or should I say on our shelf". Rovers play an improving Brookers side who recently beat Post IT to register their second win. The match will kick off at 1 pm at the Shed Of Dreams.

Pompey Exit FA Cup

Pompey exited the FA Cup today when they were drawn against Manchester United away at the Theatre of Dreams. "I felt a bit sorry for Charlie when the draw came out, knowing they were on a hiding to nothing" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but unfortunately for Pompey, someone had to come up against Man U who will no doubt go on to win it this year". Hall said it was unfortunate that Wellington Indoor Sports didn't run a knockout competition so that Land Rovers could go for the double. "I'm not devaluing us winning the Championship" said Hall "but winning the double would be something else". Charlie Smith was in rehabilitation and unavailable for comment.

Smith Rehabilitating

Charlie Smith admitted today that checking in to the Guinness Rehabilitation Centre had been the best move he'd made in years. "I figured I was drinking a bit much and I should cut back to about twenty pints a day" said Smith "and the great news is if you stay on Guinness then twenty pints is about right". Smith said he'd probably be considered a teetotaler in Perth if he only drank twenty pints a day but it was something he could live with for the good of his health. "It's good to see the lad cutting back" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "it will cut down the costs at his farewell".

Smith Can't Knock Off The Guinness

Charlie Smith was reportedly found it very difficult to leave the Guinness alone and had considered abandoning his move to Western Australia to move in permanently at the brewery. "I know they have beer in Oz of a sort" said Smith "but it ain't the real thing is it?". Smith spoke as he recovered from the 5 - 0 thrashing of the English cricket team by Australia. "A few ales help you forget the cricket" said Smith "and hopefully by the time I move to Perth they will have stopped gloating". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Smith was wishful thinking if he thought the Aussies would ever forget the 5 - 0 win. "They'll still be talking to Charlie about this when he is a very old man" suggested Hall.

Smith Surfaces In Dublin

Charlie Smith today surfaced in Dublin after his attempts to lie low in the English Midlands were thwarted by the poor quality of the midlands beverages. "I had a few beers in Birmingham and frankly the resultant hangover left me feeling like a Guniness" said Smith "so I said to the Mrs why don't we pop over to Dublin for a real drop". Smith was certainly in his element once on a pub crawl of Dublin and it can only be something of a surprise to find he intends to head to Liverpool for the weekend. "Dublin certainly suits my style" said Smith "but unfortunately they don't have a team in the Premiership so I'll have to stick with Pompey".

White says "We're Just Good Friends"

With Charlie Smith safely in the UK, Ben White today announced that he and Charlie were just good friends. "I can imagine there are scurrilous rumours going around about how Charlie and I have formed a close defensive unit" said White "but I can assure you it doesn't go beyond that". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he didn't pry into the private affairs of his squad and had hitherto been unaware of the rumours White was referring to. "I guess with Charlie in England there is always the possibility that the gutter press will become involved in Charlie's activities" said Hall "but if Charlie says he sleeps on the sofa then that's good enough for me". Hall said White, Smith and Hussey had formed a close bond as a unit and had built an 'understanding' that opposition players found hard to crack.

Beckham Move Unlikely

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he wasn't considering a move from David Beckham to Land Rovers as he didn't see a place for him in the Rovers squad. "David could no doubt play wide out on the right, except on an indoor pitch wide out in the right would be outside the side boards" quipped Hall "and then there is the small matter of whether or not a whip round would pay his wages". Hall said he'd be prepared to exchange Charlie Smith for Beckham providing Real Madrid threw in a couple of shirts, although Smith has reportedly said he would only transfer to Pompey in the Premiership. "We've got a sex symbol in Mark Fatu already" reported Hall "I can see it getting complicated if we hired another".

Smith Lying Low

The seemingly magical impact of Charlie Smith on the Portsmouth football team came to an end when Bolton beat Portsmouth to send them down the table. Portsmouth had had a dream run whilst Smith was on English soil but are now sliding down the table as most expected they would. "They haven't quite done an Aston Vila yet" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but at least my pre-season prediction that Villa would struggle is finally starting to happen". Smith has not been in contact in recent days and was believed to be hiding in the English midlands. "We know he has tickets to the game at Anfield so we want that photo of him at the ground to prove he was there".

Steep Learning Curve

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall confessed today that his first year a Land Rovers Manager had been a steep learning curve. "I expected to win the championship in the first season but we didn't win until the second" said Hall "it was a little like climbing Baldwin Street (pictured) in Dunedin, not quite as easy as you think when you set out". Hall wished the players, management and worldwide fan base a happy new year and said he was gradually adjusting to full time football management. "It is certainly possible I'll be looking for a day job this year" said Hall "as so far football management has consistently failed to pay my mortgage". Hall was back in Wellington after another bumpy ride on the Interisland ferry. "I thought football management had its ups and downs, but that ferry last night had more ups and downs than West Ham in recent years"

Happy New Year

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter this morning wished all associated with Land Rovers football club a happy new year. "We've got one championship under our belts in 2006 and I think we've got things going pretty well to defend the title" said Rossiter "it's been a matter of getting the right mix of youth and experience, and we've found that having no youth is about the right mix". Rossiter said he could see New Zealand as a whole was heading places this year, which was one of the reasons he'd be leaving the country. "Let's face it global warming hasn't reached Wellington yet so I'm off to Brisbane to look for further evidence of this warming trend" confirmed Rossiter. Rossiter believed the only down side to Australia would be that Charlie Smith would be at the other end of the same continent. Smith was unavailable for comment due to Pompey getting stuffed by Bolton in a Premier League match overnight.