Hall Rejected

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was rejected as the next New Zealand Knights Manager today as his track record of success did not fit well with Corporate intent of the struggling A League club. "Apparently I heard they were quite concerned I'd come in and make a success of the team" said Hall "and that would reflect badly on everyone who has been associated with the current losing culture". Hall said he had worked in less than optimum working conditions before so thought he could readily adapt to losing if that was what the club required. "I must admit I prefer to be part of a winning team" said Hall "but I'm readily adaptable and if the Knights wanted consistently bad performances then I'm sure I could learn how to hire the wrong people, completely destroy team morale and ensure there was no planning for success". Hall thought on current form it would be worth the Knights dispensing with a team manager as clearly they "couldn't do much worse" and perhaps "no leadership was worth a try". Hall takes up full time football management on Monday.

Top Rovers Performance

Land Rovers faced stiff opposition today when they took on unbeaten Ten Left Feet at the Shed of Dreams. Ten Left Feet had been on a prolific scoring blitz in their previous two matches knocking in an amazing twenty nine goals. "Being the master tactician that I am" said Hall "I decided we'd better start with a reasonably defensive line up and look to hit them on the break". The game remained at 0 - 0 for almost the whole first half with Rovers finally breaking the deadlock just before half time. Early in the second half Rovers pulled away to a three goal lead before being pegged back to 3 -2. Another goal apiece made it tense at 4 -3 before another goal saw Rovers out to a two goal lead with two minutes to go. "We never looked like losing that lead in those last minutes" said Hall "and all the boys played well today". Charlie Smith (pictured) got an elbow in the face and spilled a bit of claret before having a free kick awarded against him. "You can't attack the opponents elbow with your face like that" said the referee "and that blood you're spilling on the floor might lead to a red card". Smith declined to scream abuse at the referee as he couldn't quite work out what fantasy land he was living in.

Final Score: Land Rovers 5 Ten Left Feet 3

Hall Names Strong Line Up

Caretaker Manager Steve Hall today named six of the seven players who played in last seasons final against Matt Is Mad for the match tomorrow against Ten Left Feet. Only Mystery Matt (pictured) will be missing from the line up being replaced by new boy John Cao. "We're holding back Mystery Matt (pictured) for the semi-final round but we're expecting big things of John tomorrow" said Hall "although if his feet move as fast as those of Mystery Matt he might well consider a career further afield in professional football". Hall confirmed that Rovers weren't that worried about finishing first in the round robin provided they qualified for the top four. "A team needs to peak at semi-final time and declaring the full hand too early is a mistake" said Hall "however we're also mindful of not getting walloped by these left footed guys so it is a balancing act".

Smith Agony

Charlie Smith was today reeling from a double shock as his beloved Pompey went down to the Toons 1 - 0 at St James' Park, while over in Brisbane the Poms were soundly thrashed by a geriatric Australian cricket team. "It's not my week" said Smith "I'll probably be dropped from the Rovers side now to play Ten Left Feet on Wednesday". Land Rovers Caretaker Manager Steve Hall said if Smith thought he had it tough, he should view the recent form of Port Vale as the plummet towards Division 2. "It's bad enough when you're about to be made unemployed and your favourite English club is on a suicidal run to relegation" said Hall "but someone up there is really rubbing it in when local rivals Sjoke City are on a four game winning streak". Hall said Smith should pull it together as it would be far worse when he was actually at Fratton Park to watch Pompey lose to Spurs.

Hall To Go Full Time

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed today that he would be a full time football manager by the end of the week. "My day job has been restructured and after this Friday I will be left as Caretaker Manager of Rovers and Manager of North Wellington Masters". Hall said neither of the jobs paid anything and in fact the Rovers job cost him money when team members didn't pay their fees. Hall said adjusting to unemployment would be difficult but whilst there was the positive aspect of more time to pursue personal interests, the down side of having no food to eat and nowhere to live could possibly take the edge of the experience. "I've had twenty one years uninterrupted employment" said Hall "so those little things you take for granted like a roof over your head have always been there until now". Hall said he would be approaching the New Zealand Knights (pictured) about their vacant management position but expected his recent employment in Information Technology might count against him as the Knights performances were more wooden than robotic.

Confucius Strikes Back

Confucius today was asked to respond to comments from Charlie Smith that had a hint of being plagarised. "Even the greatest of whales is helpless in desert" said Smith "and that reminds me of Mr Hall in front of goal last week, a helpless whale and a desert of goals". Confucius responded that Smith should come up with his own material and added "that if Pompey dream of winning the league they have no chance". Caretaker Manager Hall said he wasn't interested in getting involved in a slanging match with a famous Chinese thinker and philosopher.

Poster Boy Back

Land Rovers Poster Boy Eddie Hussey has made a surprise early return to the Rovers line up for the match against Ten Left Feet. Hussey previously thought unavailable for several weeks has announced his availability for the next match at the Shed of Dreams. "We'll need a strong line up for this match against high flying Ten Left Feet" said Caretaker Manager Steve Hall "as although we beat them in our last encounter they have been going very well having scored 29 goals in their first two matches". Hall said sorting the defence out was the first priority and the pairing of Hussey with White would most likely be the starting line up. "We'll need a strong team out for this one" said Hall "although I might resist calling in Mystery Matt this early in the competition".

Statistical Anomily

Caretaker Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) this afternoon congratulated Toitu Te Whenua Manager Dale O'Brien on their first ever win in the league. "They've come a long way since we gave them a bit of a thrashing a few weeks back" said Hall "and dispatched Statistics in a rematch by an amazing 10 goals to 2". Hall said he would be keeping an eye on the Toitu squad in case anyone was able to step up to Division 7 standard. "It's good to see the Toitu boys finding their feet at last in Division 9" confessed Hall "but there is a big gulf to close between them and Division 7". Hall said he would be leaving his current day job at the end of next week which would free him up to scout other teams for potential recruits. "I'm about to become a full time football manager" said Hall "if only it paid well in Division 7".

Smith Thinks He Is Confucius

Charles Smith this morning confessed that he had been learning the thinking and sayings of Confuscious for the last two weeks. "I think it is broadening my horizons learning about Confucius" said Smith "but it is also changing my personality and appearance". Land Rovers Caretaker Manager Steve Hall said this sort of problem was not unknown with deep thinking types, but it was almost never seen in people like Charlie. "If he keeps this up" said Hall "there's a danger he'll be mistaken for a wise man and they'll listen to his advice on anything from football to setting life goals". Smith though had the last word "Man with forked tongue does not need chopsticks".

Lundberg Denies Management Aspirations

Retired Land Rovers player Paul Lundberg denied this evening that he had ambitions to take over as Land Rovers Manager. Lundberg had a short and unmemorable career as a Land Rovers player but has nonetheless been linked with the Rovers Management role through his golfing association with Charlie "Tiger" Smith. "I'd like to say the fact I hang round a lot with Charlie is not evidence of a management ambition" said Lundberg "it is more evidence that we both like a stroll round the golf course during the late afternoon". Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter said Lundberg was "not in the frame" for the role of manager but would not disclose if the club was in discussions with Alan Ball who is rumoured to be interested in a New Zealand based role.

Take The Long Way Home

Land Rovers today got back into winning form but took the long way home against Brookers at the Shed of Dreams. Rovers stuttered along for most of the match without anyone really playing to their best form, even Ben White (pictured) had a quiet game. Rovers were never in danger against a Brookers team that was very loose at the back. "We never got into our stride in this one and I know I missed a dozen chances I might have normally put in the goal" said Hall "it was almost as if we had too much time and room". The first goal however was a pearler with Charlie Smith blasting one into the far corner from wide on the right. "I've got to say Charlie doesn't score very often" said Hall "but when he does they are often goals to remember". Rovers will have to find some form if the top teams are going to be worried later in the championship. "Fortunately it is only about making top four at this stage and we have a long way to go" said Hall "but we're not yet close to our finals winning form".

Final Score: Rovers 8 Brookers 2

Hall To Manage North Welly Masters

Land Rovers Caretaker Manager Steve Hall was confirmed as Manager of North Wellington Masters for the 2007 season. The North Wellington Masters have won the Wellington Masters competition three times in the last six years but have not picked up a win in the last two. "We'll be going through a rebuilding phase over the summer" said Hall "currently we're rebuilding seven knees, three hips and even the odd elbow". Hall said he was keen to talk to any 35 years old strikers who fancied knocking in thirty or so goals a season. "I'm not sure if I'll continue with Rovers in the longer term" said Hall "but I'd hope to see out the current season".

Star Hussey Out For Weeks

Star Rovers Player Eddie Hussey announced yesterday he would be likely to be unavailable for several weeks due to work commitments. "It will be be tough on the park without Eddie as he covers so much territory" said Hall "but at least we'll only have to put up with the female following of The Beast now rather than the entourage that Eddie has chasing him around". Hall said crowds would probably drop by half but he expected this would allow the other players to focus on their football. "I think the boys are all to easily distracted by the underwear throwing antics of some of our females fans" said Hall "so at least we'll be able to concentrate on getting the ball in the oppositions net".

Smith Bemoans The Weather

Charlie Smith said that whilst the recent poor weather hadn't impacted in the indoor football season, it was wreaking havoc with his golf schedule. "I was hoping to have my golf handicap down to 3 or 4 by now but I've only get out to the course about once a month" said Smith "the way things are going I'll be back to a 36er". Smith who was off shortly on his trip to England, thought that at least the weather would be better in an English winter than in a Welllington summer. "Let's face it the weather here is crap and I'm secretly moving to Perth as I want to become a golf professional".

Team Hugging Remains Voluntary

Team hugging was one of several proposed values thrown out today in a Rovers team management retreat. Land Rovers Caretaker Manager Steve Hall said this evening that Land Rovers had abandoned endeavours to come up with a team values statement after nobody gave a toss. "I think the lads were fine with the vision of being a champion team" said Hall "but when we got to the proposed values statement it was a different story as the consensus was that terms like Integrity, Adaptability or Team Hugging were just statements that people would pay lip service to".

Hall said he was disappointed with that view but philosophical as all too often values statements were treated merely as hollow words on a corporate plan. "I figure if you say you value team hugging you should jolly well go out there and make sure you have a team hug" said Hall "but the boys felt that it would be better to have a spontaneous hug whenever Charlie scored a goal". Hall said Land Rovers would stick with the team vision of being the best team in Wellington by 2030 but all team hugging would remain a voluntary activity.

Fake Shake

Football today had another fake shake when Land Rovers Psychologist Liz O'Brien organised a simulated earthquake exercise to see what would happen if an earthquake occurred under Shed 1 during a Land Rovers match. "We simulated a quake that was 7.2 on the Richter scale hitting the Shed of Dreams with sixty seconds to go in a Land Rovers match" said O'Brien 'and it is fair to say the real life event would require a certain mental toughness, particularly if the game was tied at 7 - 7". O'Brien said the simulation turned up some interesting insights into human psychology. "As Shed 1 was hit by the quake, only Captain Courageous Steve Hall maintained discipline as the shed fell into the harbour" said O'Brien "but even he lost a degree of composure as the tsunami hit with fifteen seconds remaining in the game". O'Brien said Hall however got a grip and managed to slam the ball into the opposition goal with seven seconds left on the watter logged clock. "The exercise was a success" said O'Brien "as Rovers won 8 - 7 and are now riding the wave of success".

Yeah Right Rovers

Charles Smith relinquished the reins as Land Rovers Manager after only one match saying "I simply don't have the leadership skills of Steve Hall". Hall said he was only back as caretaker if the team didn't remain under the Land Rovers brand but was investigating the possibility of buying Rovers and rebranding them. Hall said approaches had already been made by Breweries and if a brewery would back the club then Land Rovers might well become Yeah Right Rovers. "We've possibly outgrown the 'Land' brand, and some one told me last week it is easy to confuse with some kind of motor vehicle" said Hall "so I'm looking to buy the club so that the team can continue under a new brand such as Yeah Right Rovers or maybe Dog And Bone Men".

Smith Loses In First Management Outing

Charlie Smith today learnt the difficulties of Division 7 indoor football management when Rovers crashed 8 - 7 in the opening division 7 clash against Post - It. "I thought I had my tactics worked out" said Smith "but the defending was a bit sloppy early on and we exposed our goalkeeper Hall a few too many times". Smith said that Post-It has been finalist in Division 6 last season so the result was by no means a disgrace, but it was certain that Rovers lacked the attacking abilities of Colin McIntosh. "Col was certainly missed" said Smith "but it is fair to say the opposition hustled pretty well and weren't averse to a bit of push and shove". Smith said Rovers would get another crack at them in a few weeks but we only have to make the top four out of six to be in the running in this league.

Land Rovers 7 Post-It 8

(note - referee appears to have added one goal to the score that Post-It never actually got)

Rugby League Misery For Smith

Land Rovers Caretaker Manager Charles Smith was in despair last evening when his much vaunted Great Britain Rugby League Team were taken to the cleaners in front of his very eyes. The night got off to a great start for Smith when he found his seats were right in the middle of the British section, but it soon turned to misery as the Kiwis scored try after try, whilst at the other end the Video referee continually frustrated Smith and the British side. "It was a night to forget" said Smith "and fortunately I've already forgotten it as Pompey snatched a draw overnight and what else really matters". The Kiwis ran out winners 34 - 4 with Smith keen to wager Great Britian would still win the series. .

Smith Rings In Changes

Land Rovers Caretaker Manager Charlie Smith looked forward to the challenge of his first match in charge of Land Rovers. "I've got a strong team for the opening match and have brought in some new blood in the form of John Cao" said Smith "I've been working on combinations and have great pleasure in announcing that as former manager Steve Hall is available to play, I'm bunging him in goal". Smith said he'd spent several hours sweating on a white board through the possible permutations of his starting line up. "Obviously I was first name on the team sheet" said Smith "but it got quite tricky after that". Rovers take on Post-It at Shed 6 at 2 pm on Monday.

No Comment On Manchester United Move

Dumped Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall refused this morning to enter into media speculation that he had been approached to replace Sir Alex Ferguson (pictured) at Manchester United. "I can neither confirm or deny that I have been approached about any other position in football" said Hall "although if anyone wants to approach me then please send a cheque for an advance payment of my first years salary and I'm yours". Hall wouldn't say how much he would expect such a payment to be but suggested it would be "commensurate with my status as a manager with a proven track record of winning championships". Rovers are preparing for their opening fixture against Post-It who are an unknown quantity. "I don't know about Post-It" said acting manager Charlie Smith "but I might be able to help them Shove it".

Hall To Leave Rovers

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall announced this afternoon that he would be standing down from the club in the near future. Land Rovers have been reconfirmed in the new nine division championship as a Division 7 team and Hall said he had been very much looked forward the challenge. "Unfortunately today the Board expressed every confidence in me to stay on in the role" said Hall "so I'll be looking for a new job as soon as possible". Hall said Charles Smith was temporary Rovers Manager for the opening game on Monday and discussion would need to be held about who would take on the club reins in the longer term. "It's been a great ride and we won the Championship" said Hall "but all good things come to an end". Hall said he hoped to stay on in the short term as a player but was officially now on the transfer market.

"Pansie" Smith Learns Golfing Lessons

Charles Smith said that leading the Rovers B golf team was good experience in the continuing development of his leadership skills. "Obviously Steve Hall sets the standards in leadership" said Smith "he even managed to finish third in a golf tournament when he has no idea about golf at all". Smith said his team finished a respectable twelth, and he was confident that the experience of managing a golf team would pay dividends when he finally managed his own Indoor Football Team. "I'm off to Perth in the new year, and I'm hoping to start a team over there called the Perth Pansies" said Smith "I'm wanting to distance myself from my tough guy image". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Smith still had a few things to learn.

Not Enough Mongrel

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said today the team had not shown enough mongrel in the two pre-season games. "I'm taking Charlie to the Rugby League on Saturday so that we can study Adrian Morley (pictured)" said Hall "I figure if we can reintroduce that mongrel factor into the Rovers then we'll be well on the way to doing well in the new league". Morley who will probably get banned for something during the match is a favourite of Smith, although Smith appears to have lost his way since his mentor Chris Riddle left for Auckland. "The lad will need to toughen up to live in Western Australia" said Hall "it is probably rougher than South Auckland". Hall said he hoped the draw for the season would be available by Thursday.

Rovers Not Up To Scratch

Land Rovers lost their three game unbeaten record today when they went down 4 – 1 to Sytec at the Shed of Dreams. Rovers put in a sluggish performance and showed the lack of recent match practice. “Sytec didn’t exactly attack us on all fronts” said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) “they more sat back and absorbed our attacks before hitting us on the break”. Hall said Rovers had a number of opportunities but failed to convert numerous chances with the opposition goalkeeper in the second half playing like Gordon Banks (before Banks lost his eye). “We were a bit out of sorts and it wasn’t our best performance” said Hall “but we probably had about twice as many shots as them but only managed to get one goal”. The new league starts next week and Rovers await the draw to find out what Division they are in, but Division 6 is the top pick at this point. Hall refused to panic over one game saying Rovers we would be there or thereabouts at the business end of the season.
Final Score: Land Rovers 1 Sytec 4

Smith Distraught At Pompey Thrashing

Charlie Smith (pictured) went into hiding this morning after Pompey were taken to pieces by a rampant Manchester United at the Theatre Of Dreams. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he'd not been feeling too clever himself after learning that Port Vale had lost 2 - 1 to Crewe with a 91st minute penalty, but the news that Man U had taken Pompey to the cleaners brought a little bit of light to an otherwise gloomy day. "I'm feeling for Charlie today" said Hall "feeling he might be keeping his trap shut for a few days about how Tony Adams has given Pompey the best defense in the Premiership". Hall said he was expecting a full recovery in all Land Rovers squad members mental health by the time they play Systec tomorrow in a grading match.

Team Wellington 0 - 0 at Fortress Newtown

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he found the Team Wellington performance this evening "unsatisfying" after a dull 0 - 0 draw at Newtown Park. The game finished with both sides having ten men, but Wellington had an advantage of an extra man for quite some time. "I heard calls in the stand for Mick to make a tactical substitution" said Hall "but I think this was a little unfair as we are only in season three and he may yet make one before the end of this season". To their credit Team Wellington didn't give away an 89th minute goal to a disastrous defensive error, but Mick did mistakenly substitute Peter Halstead around the 80th minute. "Perhaps this will persuade Halstead to come over to Land Rovers" said Hall "we might even stretch to three pints of beer to provide that added incentive".

Beast Found

Mark "The Beast" Fatu declared through his Hollywood agent that he was available for further indoor matches for Land Rovers. "Yes we didn't hear from him for a few days and we thought one of his ideas for a TV show or film had taken off over on his web blog At Home With The Beast" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but it turned out he was just having a couple of days off". Fatu is not in the starting line up for the match on Monday against neighbours Sytec but will be recalled for future matches if he doesn't alternatively become an international superstar. "He's definitely got the biggest female following in this team" said Manager Steve Hall "which is saying something when we have crowd pleasers like Eddie Hussey and Ben White in the team".

Creditable Third In Golf

Land Rovers move into the golfing arena today proved a reasonably successful effort with Land Rovers securing third place in the prestigious North Wellington Masters Soccer Golf tournament. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said the team performed admirably in fine sunny conditions at Wainuiomata Golf club, and came very close to winning the longest drive competition. "We were a little disappointed not to win that competition" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but we more than made up for it my winning the 'story of the day' award after I accidentally hired left handed clubs and didn't realise until I pulled one out to use it". Hall said it was a long story but there is no doubt "a few people had a bit of a laugh at my expense". Hall said Rovers had firmly established themselves now in two sports and the Rovers golf B team captained by Charlie Smith had also had a good day on the course.

Banks, Bonetti, Buffon, Barthez, Auer??

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall today confirmed he had been impressed with Andy Auer's performance in goal against Toitu United on Monday. "I think Andy has played himself into the starting line up as keeper" said Hall "and we'll need some keeping skills as I'm picking Sytec will be taking the game to us in the opening minutes". Hall said Auer had shown greater flexibility than regular keeper Charlie Smith. "I thought Andy looked a bit more sprightly on his feet than Charlie" said Hall "although Charlie isn't afraid to throw himself knees and all across the goal mouth".

Rovers supports well remember Smith's susceptibility to the long range shot in the semi-final game against Infinity. "Charlie floats like a hippopotamus and stings like a flea" said supporters club president Liz Pollock "so Andy looks to have brought a bit of agility to the role". Charlie Smith has kept his place in the squad and it is believed he'll be used as an impact player, mainly impacting on the knees of the opposition.

White Hot

Ben White (left) declared himself in White Hot form following his four goal rout of Toitu United last week. "I feel like I'm now the best defender, midfielder and striker in the team" said White "and I'm probably not a bad goalkeeper either". Rovers Manager Steve Hall said there had been reports of a bright white light following White around but added "we not keen to promote the star culture at the club but if he knocks in four this week we'll have to reconsider". White responded by saying his management skills weren't too shabby either.

Land Rovers are set to play Division 4 runners up and fellow building occupiers Sytec in the next round of pre-season games at the Shed of Dreams. Sytec who finished runners up in Division 4 are expected to provide a good test of how far Land Rovers have or haven't developed as an indoor football team. "We're looking to build for the future" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "and if we're one day going to be the best indoor team in Wellington then we'll have to get out of our comfort zone sooner or later". Hall said Smith would be hard to replace when he left for Perth as "not many people can take out three of the crowd on half way with a shot on goal from out in front".

Land Rovers Turn To Golf

Land Rovers having proven a point or thirteen on the football field this week, now turn their attention to golf and have entered two teams in the North Wellington Masters Soccer Golf Day. The teams, one captained by Steve Hall and the other by Charlie Smith, are entering the Armbrose competition it is hoped to test the water for a permanent golf team under the Land Rovers brand. "We realise that in 2030 we'll probably be the best football team in Wellington" said Marketing Manager Heather Fernanades "but where will we go from there?". Fernandes has indicated that if golf takes off then it is possible that Charlie Smith will be "lost" to the football side, but as he is leaving for Perth anyway this would be a small price to pay.