Smith in Doubt

Charles Smith was in doubt this morning for the game tomorrow against AMP at Shed 6. Manager Steve Hall told a press conference this morning "Portsmouth miraculously avoided the drop coming from behind to beat Wigan, so we don't expect Charlie to recover from his celebrations in time to take the field". Hall went on to say that Smith would in any event probably be dropped as he was bound to be a bit lippy for a few weeks to come. "Charlie is one of those typical mouthy poms from the south of England, so I'm sure he is going to drone on and on about this until the next season starts" said Hall "but at least we will have the comfort of knowing they'll be doing a West Brom and going down next season".

Hall himself celebrating a Valiants win over Chesterfield, was nonetheless far from over the moon at Chelski beating Manchester United 3 - 0 to win the Premiership. "It's no secret that my family has close links to Manchester, so it was horrific sitting through that one, especially seeing Rooney go down in those last few minutes". Hall however was more than happy to have talks with Roman Abramovich if he wanted to splash some loose change the way of Rovers. "I'm not sure that Landski Rovers has quite got the ring to it" commented Hall "but with a few million to spend on players would boost our chances of getting to Division 6 next season"

Middlesbrough Supporter Goes Potty

Middlesbrough supporter T.Rev gave up on his team this morning prior to their stunning come back for a place in the UEFA Cup final. "I saw T.Rev in the lift and he looked pretty dejected as he thought there was no way they could get back into it" said Hall "but five minutes later his team was in a European final". Hall didn't watch the game as he was focussed on Monday's big indoor fixture against fourth placed AMP. "AMP got thumped 10 - 2 by Ten Left Feet so they'll be hurting and out for a top game "said Hall "but if we win this one we're looking good for a semi-final spot". In another upset, Solnet Steamers registered their first win of the season.

Hall declined to comment on whether he would be applying for the advertised role as coach of national league side Team Wellington. "I couldn't possibly comment" said Hall when asked if he thought he could do a better job than incumbent Mick Waite.

Fire Hose!!!

Rovers manager Steve Hall resisted calls tonight to offload Trevor Hose after he inquired why the media hadn't reported his recent "try" against Computer Says No. Hall immediately identified that Hose was suffering from Confused Recreation Syndrome (CRS) and suggested he have an immediate lie down. "This is usually a mild illness brought about by pressure of maintaining your place in the side, but in bad cases players become confused about the shape of their balls". Hall confirmed Hose had scored his debut goal on Monday and said Hose would remain in the Rovers squad. "Trevor's a good lad, and we all wish him a speedy recovery" said Hall.

Land Rovers UK become sister club

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter announced this evening an agreement with Land Rover FC (UK) to become a sister club. "We got an e mail from Jimmy the Fish of the Rovers UK http://www.landroversfc.co.uk/ and we've decided to develop an unprofessional relationship with them". Rovers manager Steve Hall saw great benefits in such a deal. "We've been looking for a UK outlet so our players can go on to the next level" said Hall "and I think when we get a raw talent like Charles Smith on a plane to the UK, you'll really start to see the benefits of this new relationship". Hall hoped that Land Rovers UK players would be able to guest for the New Zealand Rovers, providing they paid their own expenses to get here and bought a round afterwards.

Hall Congratulates Arsenal

Fresh off controversy that Rovers Supporters club are anti-Arsenal, Rovers boss Steve Hall congratulated Arsene Wenger on making the Champions League final. "It ended up being a bit of a cliff hanger with that late penalty, but I think Arsenal deserved to get through" said Hall. Hall said Rovers didn't quite have the class up front of Arsenal but had other strengths to fall back on . "We don't have a striker like Henry, but then Arsenal don't have a player of the class of Chris Riddle either". Supporters club president Liz Pollock was out shopping and could not be contacted.

Hall - No Comment on Middlesbrough Exit

Rovers Manager Steve Hall could not be drawn on Middlesbrough's exit to West Ham in the semi-final of the FA Cup. Hall on holiday in the south of Johnsonville said he hadn't watched the game as he had been watching Spanish Football during his break. "I know not many people watch Real Madrid now that David Beckham has taken them into decline, but Raul had a game yesterday similar to mine against Computer Says No - he couldn't hit a barn door from half a pace". Chairman Dean Rossiter said that Hall was being sensitive to the Middlesbrough supporters given the shonky state of the buildings lifts. "The Club have no immediate plans to sign Raul" confirmed Rossiter.

Edwards Spots Fake Shiekh

Lance Edwards this afternoon identified a cunning plan to lure Rovers Manager Stephen Hall into a newspaper expose over the Smith sending off incident. "I sensed something was wrong when this guy gave me a card that said he was Ollama Sin Badden from Baarain FC" confessed Hall "but Lance spotted something was awry when his fake beard fell into his flat white". The quick identification of this social engineering ploy showed the benefits of the Rovers squad having done security training with local security firm Rudge and Associates. "Rudgey showed us things like how to fight off an assailant without spilling your cappuchino" confirmed Hall "as well as a fair smattering of countering the dark arts". Hall would not confirm the dark arts training included influencing referees with subliminal messages, but did acknowledge Charles Smith would be retaking the module in full later this week.

HEARTBREAK - Computer Has Bob Each Way

In an epic Division 7 clash this afternoon - goalkeeper Charles Smith was sin binned for questioning the parentage of the referee. In an at times heated clash between Rovers and the mysteriously named Computer Says No - tempers boiled over after a string of decisions went against the Rovers including a disallowed goal.

"Charlies got pinged for not releasing the ball quickly enough" said Hall "and I'm not one to criticise the referees who have a difficult job to do, but it was a harsh call to send him off". Smith sat out two minutes in the sin bin whilst riot Police tried to settle him down. Rovers battled on with four men against a very effective and previously unbeaten Computer Says No.

"This was a classic game and had a bit of everything" said Hall "they got a goal ahead and we equalised, and this was the pattern until it got to 4 - 4. Then with thirty seconds to go Chris Riddle made an heroic run to fire in a fifth goal to put us 5 - 4 up. All we had to do was defend for half a minute, but they got a fierce shot in from their own half and it screamed in inches from Charlie".

Hall said Rovers had improved with every game and were heartbroken at the manner in which the game ended, but proud nonetheless that they had taken points of the highly rated opposition. "We'll get another crack at them in the semi final I imagine" predicted Hall "and we'll have a full face muzzle for Charlie next time". Charlie Smith was under team orders not to comment to the press and could not be contacted at the time this report went to the net.

MOTM Chris "Jimmy" Riddle

Final Score: Rovers 5 Computer Says No 5

Pollock Says Rude Words To Arsene

Rovers supporters club president Liz Pollock tonight responded to comments by Arsene Wenger calling Spurs management liars. "As far as I'm concerned he is just a big fat Wenger" snarled Pollock "and the Gunners were firing blanks as they usually do". Rovers boss Hall distanced himself from the controvesy but noted that Arsene Wenger often had confusion with his name "Yes he's often called Arsene Winger". Hall said he didn't want to get diverted by the battle of words between the London dinosaurs "We're building up to a big match against Computer Says No tomorrow, and we're planning to boot their computer so it will say yes".

Smith Riots With Himself In His Own House

Charles Smith overnight caused an urban disturbance after staying up all night to watch Pompey playing relegated Sunderland. Smith got agitated in the 70th minute when Sunderland failed to read the script and went 1 - 0 up. Portsmouth were without star striker LuaLua, who was still hurt three weeks after his last goal celebration (Smith was reported to be still celebrating his goal for Rovers three weeks ago). Portsmouth however got back in it and a little after 4 am NZ time scored the winner in the 88th minute. Smith momentarily forgot he was not at Fratton Park and rampaged around his lounge. "I don't expect the damage to be much over a thousand quid" said a sheepish Smith "and fortunately the television still worked after I threw it through the window".

Manager Hall commented "Young Charlie is developing that star player temperament so I expect his class to shine through when we play Computer Says No tomorrow". The manager for unbeaten Computer Says No admitted it was a daft name for a team and said that they were concerned about the impact Smith could have on the game if he "hit form". Wellington Indoor Soccer confirmed they had additional security measures in place for the game should Smith fail to curb his enthusiasm.

Elsewhere, Rovers supporters club president Liz Pollock could not be contacted to comment on the allegation by Arsene Wenger that her beloved Spurs were a bunch of liars. And despite over 400 telephone calls to Chelsea fans all over the world, none were available to comment on their FA Cup semi-final exit to Liverpool.

Rovers Secure Lucrative Sponsorship Deal

Rovers Club Chairman Dean Rossiter today announced a lucrative sponsorship deal with the LINZ National Office Social Club. "We'd taken a close look at Adidas, Coca Cola and Nike, but what we liked about the Social Club was their proposal appealed to the market segment that we're looking to flog off our merchandise to". Rossiter went on to say that with the ever increasing profile of Mark Fatu, Rovers were looking to target their marketing at 20 - 25 year old women who worked in the telephone call centre business. Rovers had no immediate plans to change their name to National Office Social Club Land Rovers.

In other news, George Nash the nomadic Scotsman acknowledged this afternoon that he was "Nae good enuff for Rovers". Nash confirmed he wouldn't last ten minutes as he was like Graeme Souness. "I'm just a dirty player" confirmed Nash. Rovers Manager Hall said there was no place in the game for Scotsman with no skill, which effectively ruled out anyone who had ever played or watched Rangers Football Club.

Rovers Product Line Launched

Land Rovers marketing manager Noirin Brady announced today a new merchandise line for the Rovers team. As per all sporting merchandise, the Rovers plan to flog off gear produced by cheap foreign slave labour and sell it off at highly inflated prices. “I’m very excited at the new product line which we launched with replica bibs and the Mark Fatu designer singlet”. Brady said she expected the Hussey Bib to do particularly well although anything with the Fatu branding on it was likely to sell like hot cakes given his personal fan base. “We’re looking into the prospect of a Hose waterproof jacket as well” confided Brady “we think Trevor has that rugged sex appeal that will appeal to the anorak market segment”. Recommended retail price for all products is NZ $200 and a number of excited young women have already been phoning to see if they can buy anything that Mark Fatu has sweated on.

Smith Admits To Alcohol Problem - It Ran Out.

Charlie Smith returned to the Rovers camp after an extended Easter layoff where he admitted to considering a career as a golf course groundkeeper. Smith confessed that the two cases of beer he bought on Friday night had gone by Saturday morning. "I was down the Surpermarket first thing Saturday morning" confessed Smith "you have to have a few quiets when you're a professional like me". Manager Hall was concerned that Smith was going off the rails "He's been thinking he is George Best ever since he got that goal a few weeks back" professed Hall "but he's not quite as good on the ball and if he keeps this up, he will certainly get the opportunity to spend more time on the golf course".

Brighton Relegated - Hall Sympathetic

Former Land Rover Joe O'Neill finally admitted this evening that Brighton's chances of staying in the Championship "were increasingly slim" after they were officially relegated to Division 1 for next season. Rovers manager Hall was sympathetic to O'Neill "I think he is disappointed at this point but when he realises this means two games against the Valiants next season I think he'll look on the bright side". Hall also pointed out that Brighton would now be certain to miss out on fixtures against Pommpey and The Saints next season. "I've seen their supporters whilst stuck in a lift with them recently and they're not a pretty sight" confirmed Hall "Joe is well out of it supporting a Division 1 team". Charles Smith was unavailable for comment on Pompey's mid-week loss as he was holidaying on a golf course with his entourage.

Eleven Past Ten Left Feet Feat

Ten Left Feet came to the beautiful Shed 1 stadium today looking for a right result against the Smithless Land Rovers (no that's not our new sponsor- Charlie was away). Looked good for the left footers right from the start as they sneakily kicked off without waiting for the Rovers to organise the team, leaving Rovers one nil down before Rovers had touched the ball. Hall soon made amends for his sloppy pre-match team organisation with a cracking drive into the roof of the net from at least eighty metres on the other side of the harbour (according to him). Rovers stuck to their business and never got distracted very often by the opposition fielding a female player.

"I duffed the start" confessed Hall "but the lads responded well and we got it back in it and led all the way once we sneaked in front at 2 - 1". Hall admitted he lost focus after Riddle went on and on and on and on and on about Southhampton beating Stoke City over the weekend. "I think the lad confuses the wonderful Port Vale football club with those bunch of hacking potty Potters from Britannia Stadium. Robbie Williams would turn in his grave at this type of slur". Hall said he would consider benching Riddle if he compared the Valiants to the old enemy again.

Final Score: Rovers 11 Ten Left Feet 7

"Jagger is Past It" Hall

With the Rolling Stones set to play at Wellington stadium this evening, Rovers manager Steve Hall said he was not currently considering allowing Mick Jagger to make a guest appearance for the club. "Obviously if Mick rings us we'll have to consider our options" said Hall "but my feeling at this point is the side is settled and Mick will get no satisfaction". Hall had sympathy for Jagger if not for the devil "I'm not one of those managers who is under his thumb" suggested Hall "and you can't always get what you want". Hall continued "The Stones are only rock and roll and football management is my beast of burden, so by all means get yer ya ya's out tonight because this could be the last time the Stones are here, I don't know". All Rovers players are on a 9 am curfew.

Smith in Seventh Heaven

Pompey fanatic Charles Smith was in seventh heaven this morning as Portsmouth dispatched Middlesbrough 1 - 0 in the Premiership. "I hope I get trapped in a lift again this week with a Boro supporter" mused Smith "I would be happy to give my analysis of the game against the vastly superior Pompey team".

"He'll be unbearable all week" said Saints supporter Chris Riddle "it's starting to look like they won't be dropping down for a game against us next season". Smith immediately declared a four day holiday and confirmed he will be unavailable for the next Rovers fixture against Ten Left Feet. "I'm as committed to the Rovers as the next guy" suggested Smith "but Pompey are my first love and I'll be taking a few days off to celebrate this one".

Hall was uncharacteristically supportive of Smith's decision "He'll be a pain in the butt anyway this week so we'll all avoid several days of drivel this way. Heaven help us if Pompey avoid relegation he'll probably need a month off. Rovers have the player depth to beat Ten Left Feet so we're happy to let Charlie wander round the golf course in a daze for a few days".

Fatu "I'm no sex symbol"

After a week of speculation on the training ground that that Mark Fatu had developed a female fan club, the midfielder has issued a press release to confirm he is focussing on his football. "Yes the interest is flattering" said the athletically built Fatu "but I'm learning my trade with the Rovers and keeping my place in the side is my top priority". Fatu would not comment on rumours that he was been chased by several magazines for a story with a "romance angle".

"Some of these boys need a firm hand" professed manager Hall "I'm thinking of imposing a curfew for the five minutes before each match if this female attention gets out of hand". Rovers lie third on the table after two wins and a loss and are quietly confident of snatching a win against Ten Left Feet next Wednesday. "As long as the supporters don't throw underwear on the pitch" quipped Hall "then I think we'll appreciate the extra support that Mark's following brings to the team".

"I've got me Sandwiches" warns Smith

Fresh off recovering from a sensational Pompey draw over Arsenal, Charles "Charlie" Smith turned down the offer of Curry and Chips at the Bull and Bear in favour of his own sandwiches. A stunned manager Stephen Hall said "It's not like Charlie to be off his curry and chips and I think just quietly he's been in training to produce a LuaLua flip when he scores his next goal". LuaLua himself was yet again injured while performing his goal celebrations and his agent is not talking to the Rovers who prefer the more traditional kiss and cuddle after scoring.

In other news Middlebrough surprisingly are through to the semi-final of the FA Cup. "Apparently all that praying in the lift didn't go without reward" commented Hall.

Rovers Elevator Horror

The Rovers football team today were trapped in a lift for fifteen minutes on the way back from their Division 7 match against Pad Soccer.

"It was bad enough being stuck in a lift with five other sweaty footballers" confessed Hall "but there was a Middlesbrough supporter stuck in there with us which made it all the more difficult" Hall said he thought of a few conversation starters like "You're doing ok in Europe" but with Boro dropping down the premiership standings no one was quite sure what to say. "I think he was pleased to get out" mused Hall "I mean it can't be a nice feeling locked in a small space with both a Pompey and Saints supporter, they're always likely to start a ruckus in a tight spot".

Earlier Rovers had been in superb form with a stunning 13 - 1 win over Pad. "It looked like a tight one at 1 - 1 but we buckled down and did the business"assessed Hall. The Manager reported that the improved passing was a key to the better performance "Hussey and Riddle really worked hard at playing off each other today and the reward was six goals apiece". Hall was happy with Smith's defensive prowess and thought Fatu and new signing McIntosh did well at closing down Pads options.

"And what can I say about my goalkeeping" smirked the injured Hall "I led from the back".

MOTM Hussey
Final Score Rovers 13 Pad Soccer 1

Rossiter not talking to Adshead

Rovers chairman Dean Rossiter today said that Land Rovers were not entertaining signing John Adshead on as manager now that he had resigned from his post with The Knights. “No disrespect to Adshead” said Rossiter “but we have a fine youngish middle aged manager in Steve Hall, and the board has every confidence that he will take the team where we want to go”.

“It’s nice to have the confidence of the board” said a relieved Hall “but if we’re not the best indoor side in Wellington by 2030 then clearly I’ll be falling on my sword”. Hall advised he would be signing some quality players as soon as the club released funding to him that was earmarked for team expansion. “We’d like to see the shoe string” quipped Hall about the budget situation “cause we’re thinking of raffling Charlies old sock from his Tranmere days to raise cash”

Injury Crisis Hits Rovers

Captain courageous Steve Hall was injured over the weekend while moonlighting for an eleven a side team. "I know my focus should have been Land Rovers" said Hall " and I'm disappointed in myself for letting down the side". Hall is still optimistic that he will be able to play, at least in goal. "The injury is coming along and I should be back in training soon" advised Hall "and of course I have fined myself heavily and the funds have gone to a good cause". Hall declined to give further details saying media speculation would not help the team.

Hall's injury came on the back of the unavailability for the next match of Lance Edwards, with Trevor Hose and Chris "Jimmy"Riddle also carrying injuries. Paul Lundberg has also declared himself unavailable and Hall will be having talks with the player about his long term future with the club. It is thought at least one new player will debut this week as Hall has been looking to the transfer market to bolster his side.

Hall denies approach about England job.

Rovers manager Steve Hall denied media reports linking him with the England Manager's job. "My commitment is to Rovers" said Hall "and that commitment won't be diluted by being offered three million pounds a year to coach the England football team". Hall said he was still very much learning the management ropes at Rovers and was in any event holding out for four million pounds. "Money isn't everything" quipped Hall "although if the lads would pay the indoor match fees on time I might be able to attend the supporters club once in a while".

Hall, a Port Vale Supporter, said that he'd would park his England ambitions until after he was appointed manager of Port Vale. "I'd like the Valiants to win the Premiership under my rein before I dabble in international football" enthused Hall "but for now Rovers have a job to do and we have a long campaign ahead of us".

Smith Rejects Tranmere Rovers

In a training session this afternoon at Atlanta on The Terrace, Charlie Smith acknowledged having a trial for Tranmere Rovers as a lad. Smith indicated he was offered a part-time contract by the Rovers but rejected it as he didn't want to play his football with Scousers. Land Rovers management issued a press statement to confirm that Smith was not being paid to play for The Rovers and were hitherto unaware of Smith's links with the struggling Liverpool side.

"Smith might have had a star studded career with Tranmere, but the boy needs to get grounded for the next indoor fixture as we can't afford to have his head in the clouds" said player manager Hall.

Smith Unsettled

English import Charles Smith announced today he was not only unsettled at the club, he was unsettled with the whole country. “There’s nothin’ to bleedin’ do in the weekends” said Smith “and people here seem to think that holding a piece of stick by a river is a valid form of entertainment".

Sources close to Smith (his mother-in-law) said that Charlie had found a renewed enthusiasm for English life ever since Portsmouth won three games on the trot. “This will all die down again after Pompey are relegated” she said.

“The lad’s getting distracted by spending so much time on the golf course” said team supremo Hall “he needs to focus his energies on the next match”

Slick Ultra Retires From International Football

Slick Ultra has retired from international football after sustaining a sore finger in a pre-season match. In a statement made to international media at the team club rooms (Occidental Tavern) on Friday night Slick explained that he had never been quite the same after been run over by Hika Reid in a rugby match several years ago. “Hika punctured my lungs when he trampled all over me like a Railroad Train” exhorted Ultra.

Team boss Steve Hall asked Ultra if he had managed to get Hika Reid’s autograph but Ultra had been too dazed to request it after being carted off in a stretcher and placed on life support for three years. Ultra made one rather undistinguished appearance for the Rovers in goal and complained about gangrene for days afterwards due to the involuntarily saving a goal from an opposition striker. Ultra plans to paint his new house and look for opportunities to return to his former occupation as Rock Star. “We’ll miss the lad” said Hall “but I know he has his heart set on replacing Ronnie Wood in the Stones, so I’m not one to stand in his way”.

Rovers Run Ragged

Land Rovers today started with the bare minimum of five players after two late withdrawals from the team meant no subs for the game against Infinity. Infinity scored first then Riddle equalized, Infinity scored again and Hall equalized, then Infinity scored four more and no one equalized.

Infinity powered all over the Rovers in the last quarter, and those expecting another long range goal from Smith were disappointed. Infinity had the legs in the end as the Rover flagged over the last eight minutes. Paul Lundberg on debut made some good tackles and Hussey was everywhere including in the referees face. The referee blew a massive twenty or so fouls against Rovers as he interpreted any contact including a sneeze as a foul. Rovers being a fairly physical team therefore got all the warnings and the sprightly opposition romped all over the park. It was a wake up call for the Rovers who immediately adjusted the vision of being the best team in Wellington by 2020, to a revised date of 2030.

“I thought there were positives to be taken out of that one and more time together should see more team cohesion” said team boss Hall. Smith immediately suggested a few pints would be a good way to spend more time together.

MOTM - Riddle

Final Score: Rovers 2 Infinity 6