Smith Confirms He Is Still A Bloke For Now

Charles Smith this evening categorically denied media speculation that he was confused about his gender identity. "Recent reports in the media have wounded me but you won't see wandering around in a kaftan at the next Rovers match, there's no confusion here on my part" growled Smith. Rovers Manager Hall confirmed that whilst Smith had being playing rugby, there was no evidence at this early stage that he might turn into a big girl. "I think providing Charlie plays rugby only for a season or two, he should lead a normal life" said Hall "but it has to be appreciated that if you're in too many scrums with your head in those unnatural positions, it can grind you down". Hall said cauliflower ears were a bigger worry for Smith at this early stage.

In other news and a world first for a Scotsman, George Nash provided a decent scoff at morning tea. A spokesmen for Nash said through an interpreter that he got confused by the new coins out today and had only intended to provide one sausage roll, not one whole box of them. A spokesmen for the local Caledonian Society said this sort of thing needed to be stamped out as it risked generosity breaking out. "What next" said the spokesmen "they'll be expecting us to buy a round at the pub next".

Rovers Squad Pass Testosterone Test

After recent doubts about Charlie Smith, Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter today confirmed that the whole squad had testosterone. "We can confirm that all the Rovers squad have at least some testosterone" said Rossiter "although Mark "The Beast' Fatu could well consider taking up professional cycling if he bulks up anymore". Charles Smith said recent reports that he looked like a big girl on the rugby pitch had hurt "It's tough in those line outs, those guys I'm lifting are hardly ballerinas you know".

Hall Announces Total Football

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall tonight announced that Land Rovers would be playing total football in the next round against old foe Integen Nets. "These guys are bottom of the table and even lost to the Ice Hockey Marathon running ATFC, so we'll have a good chance to unleash total football on the league for this one". Hall confirmed he had no idea what total football meant in the indoor context, as the team ran all over the place like madmen in all games, so no one would probably notice any difference. "I think that with some of the boys now playing in a rugby team, the danger is that Smithy will take total football to mean rugby tackling people". Hall said Smith tried to tackle Alex Natelli at a recent rugby practice and Natelli showed him a clean pair of heals. "Charlie is not quite as quick as he was in his prime, if indeed he ever had a prime" said Hall. Smith (pictured attempting a tackle) has been rumoured to look like a big girl on the rugby field.

Riddle In Talks With Southampton

Chris Riddle was today in talks with Southampton FC about his future football career. "Well in talks might be a bit strong, I sent them an e mail wishing them all the best for the new season" said Riddle "and I'm confident at this point we won't be playing Port Vale next season". Southampton themsleves did not appear as confident after launching their new season shirt (pictured). The shirt was designed to assist with the Southampton push for lower honours. A spokesman for Southampton said they were looking to win Division 1 next season, which would require relegation this year from the Championship. "We'll need to get relegated to achieve this goal and to that end Riddle looks like the kind of player who coud help us achieve our ambitions" said an inside source from the club.

"I Married an Alien" says Pollock

Land Rovers Supporters Club President Liz Pollock today confessed that she married an alien. Liz admitted that her other half was Canadian and therefore classified as an alien. "I didn't know Liz was associated with an alien" said Club Chairman Dean Rossiter "and certainly not one that plays for an opposition Division 7 team, we might have to review her association with the club". Pollock said that alien hubby Jason was not playing for opposition team ATFC at the time she signed up to Rovers. "I don't see a problem" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "we're going to give ATFC a lesson when we play them and they'll probably resort to ice hockey tactics to have a chance". Hall said Smith and Riddle would enjoy a good rumble if one eventuated.

Riddle Riot Results In Referee Rebuff

Chris Riddle was sensationally sent off today after a bit of pushing and shoving with an opposition player. Riddle saw red after taking a closer look at an elbow than he'd have preferred. The referee however not seeing the intial incident sent Riddle packing for the rest of the match. Later things evened up when a Strategic 2 player walked for excessive use of foul language. His words can't be repeated here as Rovers are far too innocent to know what they were.

In an at times intense match today at the Shed of Dreams, a rejuvinated Land Rovers gave previous leaders Strategic 2 a lesson in indoor football. Land Rovers game into the match avoiding last place only through having paid the administration fee which gifts ten competition points. An assessment of the league table however prior to the match by Manager Steve Hall, convinced him that Strategic 2 had been playing weaker teams than Rovers. Controversial defender Charlie Smith dropped himself before the match after having rugby practice the day before. Rovers however had the old firm of Hussey and Riddle back for the first time this round.

It was Rovers who got off to a flyer with a Colin McIntosh screamer from his own half after just seven seconds. Soon Rovers were up by three before losing concentration to have it back at 3 - 3. Improved focus saw another three to Rovers for a 6-3 lead at half time. Rovers started taking the piss in the second hald as Hall protected the ball down the walls extracting fouls from a frustrated opposition. They eventually blew up getting their man sent off and losing the plot, and in the end Rovers cruised to a 10 - 5 win.

"I was proud of the boys today and Hussey had a stunner, with Riddle supporting him well until he was sent off" said Hall "and young Col just kept putting them away". Hall said that was the strongest line up Rovers had put out this season so far and things were looking up from here on in. Rovers are first equal in the goal scoring department but last equal in the goals against . "You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see we're good going forward but a bit iffy at the back".

In an after match incident Strategic 2 players surrounded the referee and centre manager to express their concerns over the sending off of their own player. "The opposition lost a little bit of composure there towards the end" quipped Hall "and it wasn't a pretty sight to be honest and I imagine the discussions went well into the night".

Final Score: Land Rovers 10 Strategic Two 5

Legend Says Nothing New In Wearing Dresses

Drinking Legend and Land Rovers wannabe George Nash said today that there was nothing new in men wearing dresses. "A man wears a dress in Wellington and it is front page of the local newspaper, but in Scotland we wear dresses all the time" said Nash.

Charles Smith when asked for comment said "They do some funny things in Jockland, and wearing dresses and blouses is all part of the Jock culture. If you think that's bad they blow on the end of this bag thing even when they're not driving a car or talking to a Policeman. It makes an 'orrible noise". Smith said he'd rather be seen blowing into a didgeridoo than a bagpipe, "at least a digeriwhatyamacallit makes a decent sound".

Nash Confirms Status As Legend

George Nash today confirmed he had no memory of being bundled into a taxi by Matt Gillbanks early Sunday morning. "I was wondering how I got home" said Nash today "but apparently I had a very good night and was the life and soul of the party". Meanwhile Charles Smith was meeting All Black celebreties like Ian Kirkpatrick and having no idea who they were. "Some guy who played for the Wellington Lions was talking to me, and for a minute I thought he was from the real Lions". Smith said he was such a hit he's been asked back for future games.

Meanwhile Smith was distancing himself from earlier reports he lived in Porirua. "Well technically I might live in the city, but we prefer to think we live in Plimmerton rather than Porirua" said Smith "we live at least ten minutes drive from the nearest P Lab". Smith would neither confirm nor deny he was running an illegal still in his living room.

Smith Disappears

After a night of Corporate hospitality, no reliable (or unreliable for that matter) sightings of Charles Smith have been made on Sunday. Smith was believed to have staggered home after enjoying several concoctions at the All Blacks test match at Westpac Stadium. "Knowing Charlie he will be sleeping it off until tomorrow, he's often said it is a bit dull for him in Wellington in the weekend" said Rovers Manager Hall "he's not quite a George Nash in the drinking department".

Wellington Police confirmed tonight they were not looking for Smith as he was "big enough and ugly enough to look after himself". Unconfirmed reports from a Porirua Supermarket suggest there have been a run on painkillers early this afternoon that appears unconnected to the thriving drug labs business in the area. "We know the drug dealers but the chap who was in here looked to have a very sore head" said a Supermarket employee who preferred not to be named for fear of being dumped handless in the harbour.

Smith Enjoys Corporate Hospitality

Only two days after crying off a lunch time beer due to a "Tennants" hangover, Charles Smith will be enjoying the delights of Corporate Box at the All Black test. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was incredulous "Smith could talk his way into the Kremlin and get them to give him a case of vodka". Hall said Smith played his first game of rugby only three days ago and was already rubbing shoulders with the high and mighty of the Corporate Rugby world. "I think Charlie could go far, and hopefully he will" said Hall. The All Blacks are hot favourites for the match but anything could happen if Charlie starts yelling out the window of the Corporate Box.

Riddle Says No To Pompey

After 24 hours on the transfer list, Chris Riddle has had only one enquiry from Portsmouth. Portsmouth FC have been turned down by almost every professional player in the world in recent weeks have started casting their net further afield. "Portsmouth apparently decided for credibilty sake they would sign anyone" said Rovers Manager Hall "they felt if Chris would sign up then they'd get the ball rolling and be able to sign a decent player". Riddle was having none of it and as a life long Southampton supporter he showed a certain lack of interest in the proposal. "I'd rather walk over broken glass and have red hot needles stuck betwen my toes" said Riddle "I'd actually pay to play for Siberia Z reserves before signing for Pompey".

Riddle Transfer Listed

Chris Riddle today put himself on the transfer list looking for a transfer to Jafaland (Auckland). Riddle who has been frustrated by a gammy leg for as long as anyone can remember, has not played for Rovers for several games. "The lad needs major surgery in my opinion" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "and after that he should get his leg fixed". Hall said Riddle would suit an Auckland Indoor Team who wouldn't be too bothered if they never saw him, or could survive with a player who could only kick the ball with his weaker foot. "Chris is the only one who remembers his glory days, but from all acounts he should have played up front for Southampton as he reckons he'd have been a forty goals a season man". Hall said Rovers would consider all offers and if necessary would have a whip round to pay someone to take Riddle on.

Referee Robs Rovers

Land Rovers today lost 9 - 8 to Assure United after a quite appauling decision by the referee. Wtih scores tied at 7 - 7 Rovers were awarded a free kick and put all their players forward to pressure the opposition. Remarkably the referee reversed the decision for no apparent reason and gifted a goal to Assure Untied as Rovers had no players back. "It was an absolute disgrace" said Rovers Manager Hall "and that decision effectively cost us the match". Hall asked for an explanation for the reversal but none was forthcoming, so Rovers have no idea what caused the change of mind.
Rovers had started the match with four players after two men arrived a bit late. Teams were locked at 2 - 2 at half time after Dale O'Brien knocked in his first goal right on the half time hooter. Rovers dropped two behind early in the second half only to claw back to a 7 - 6 lead with three minutes to go. "It was a good close match and we raised our game over the first encounter" said Hall "it's a pity the whole game turned on such a strange decision". Rovers have previously had problems with the same referee who was heard telling another team that Rovers were "nutters". It was not lost on the Rovers team that the referee spent the whole half time huddle with the opposition "I'm not saying he was biased" said Hall " just that Mulder and Scully will need to be called in to uncover the mystery of what is going on in his head".


Final Score: Land Rovers 8 Assure United 9

Rovers Cleared Of Bribery and Corruption

An independent investigation today cleared Land Rovers of throwing a game against Ten Left Feet last week. Whilst it was acknowledged that Rovers performance against Ten Left Feet left a lot to be desired, no evidence was found whatsoever that acting manager Charlie Smith had arranged to throw the game in exchange for beer. "As I've said all along this was media hysteria, Charlie won the beer fair and square by correctly predicting France would beat Brazil. Now all that remains is for him to pay up his bets to me that England would win the World Cup and that Liverpool would win the league" said Hall "I've noticed he seems to be slow at coughing up".

Rovers take on Assure United at the Shed of Dreams, a team that walloped Rovers only three weeks ago. Rovers have four regular players out and have been struggling to regain last seasons form. Manager Hall said he was hoping for an improved performance tomorrow but realistically it would be a tough encouter given that the team was changing every week. "At least we didn't get relegated like Juventus, although it will be a hard slog for a top four place the way we're going" said Hall.

Match Fixing Allegations Won't Go Away

Charles Smith today distanced himself from match fixing allegations saying “There’s no way I was anywhere near a dozen Heineken”. Unfortunately for Smith, the media soon came into possession of a photo of him leaning against a dozen Heineken. “It’s clearly been air brushed” said Rovers Manager Hall “the real Charlie isn’t that photogenic”. Hall said this was another clear case of a media beat up on the Rovers club. “Do they seriously think Charlie would throw a game against Ten Left Feet for a dozen Heineken” said Hall “it would be a scandalous over-payment when everyone knows Charlie would throw a game for just a bottle”.

Heineken Match Fixing Scandal

In the wake of the Italian Match fixing scandal and the relegation of Juve, Lazio and Fiorentina to Serie B, Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter has emphaticaly denied a media leak that Charles Smith received a dozen Heineken for fixing the loss to Ten Left Feet. "I couldn't comment on whether Charlie has been involved in betting with club sponsor Tony Lester, but believe me if Charlie acquired a dozen beer I can assure you he wouldn't have off-loaded it to Ten Left Feet to ensure a loss". Rovers Manager Hall said it beggared belief that Smith was been accused of giving away beer "Anyone who has tried to prise Charlie away from an ale will know he wouldn't be giving away a Heineken to lose a match, anyway we're perfectly capable of losing without assistance". Hall confirmed however Rovers were not yet at the point of trying to buy a win.

Elton in Town - Not The One Who Supports Watford

Land Rovers Supporters Club President confirmed this afternoon that an entourage from the club would be meeting with Ben Elton this evening at the intimate Michael Fowler Centre. "I have no idea if he plays football" said Liz "but I know like me he was a big fan of Margaret Thatcher". Elton who was involved with Andrew Lloyd Webber in the musical "The Beautiful Game" was not asked to turn up and play for Rovers as a star turn. "Apparently he wasn't a big enough name" said Pollock "he only has eight letters in his name all up and Roman Arkadievich Abramovich is not only a bigger name but he has more money". Pollock declined to comment on whether Abramovich was interested in pouring money into Rovers.

Rossiter Rejects Wrestling Rigmarole

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter tonight rejected the suggestion that Land Rovers should enter the Pro Wrestling circuit by promoting Mark "The Beast" Fatu. "Obviously we're aware of the pro wrestling link with Sam Fatu (pictured), but our business plan is aimed at becoming the top indoor football team in Wellington, and the board feels that a diversion into pro wrestling will distract us from our overall vision". Mark Fatu said he was relieved to hear that his pro wrestling career was on hold "I wasn't looking forward to a Full Nelson, Split-Legged Moonsault or the Tombstone Piledriver, I might have got hurt". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was never convinced that wrestling was a good idea and Rovers should stick to their knitting. "Let's face it with Charlie and Chris in the team, it often looks more like pro wrestling than indoor football anyway".

Rovers Linked With Ronaldo

Rovers Marketing Manager Heather Fernandes returned today from a three week tour of Europe and North America. “I found there was a lack of penetration in the Northern Hemisphere for our brand in the target markets, well indeed in all markets”. Fernandes said that whilst Charles Smith had a profile in the Portsmouth area, Land Rovers had failed to make an impact and as a result shirt sales were non-existent. “We thought when we moved from bibs to shirts that we’d get a few sales in the 18 - 25 hooligans niche, but we’ve got some distance to go to catch Manchester United and I’m not optimistic we’ll achieve that in the current financial year” reported Fernandes. Fernandes however thought Manchester United had troubles of their own as they are currently trying to flog off Ronaldo shirts on the cheap but they're not exactly selling like hotcakes.

On a positive note, the Rovers new shirts have arrived in eye catching green with red trim. “I think the boys will be looking pretty good in the new kit and we might make a few sales from the resulting photo opportunities” said Fernandes. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said as recently as a month ago he'd not have picked that Rovers would be as popular as Ronaldo. "It's a funny old world" said Hall "but to be as popular in England as Ronaldo is something we could only have dreamed about a month ago, and now it is a reality".

Rovers Pasta Paradise

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was digesting what lessons Rovers could be learn from the Italian World Cup win. "I've poured over hours of video footage and analysed screeds of statistics, and the simple truth is it comes down to eating pasta". Hall said Rovers would immediately be starting pasta trials, Smith on Spaghetti, Riddle on Ravioli, Fatu on Fettucine, McIntosh on Mostaccioli.". Hall said initially he couldn't work out what pasta Edwards should trial so had thought of Eggplant as a substitute "but I had a brainwave and it is now Lance on Lasagne". Hall said there was a hint that chocolate would make a performance difference so he would be trying that out himself. "Charlie had offered to try beer as a performance enhancing drug, but the club finances are stretched at the moment and we couldn't afford the first round".

Pollock Dazed And Confused

Rovers Supporters Club President Liz Pollock was reportedly having difficulty reconcilling supporting two teams in division 7 of Wellington Indoor Soccer. "She's showing signs of losing the plot" said Acting Rovers Manager Charles Smith "she wore Silver Moon Boots to work yesterday and went round telling everyone it was one small step for women but one giant leap for womankind". Sports Pyschologist Liz O'Brien was not immediately available to assist Pollock with some retail therapy but was understood to be willing to assist Pollock on a shopping spree of capital shoe shops if required. Keen bargain hunters with a leaning towards luna walk fantasies should watch Trade Me in the coming hours for a pair of bargain silver boots (pictured).

Rovers Stutter

Last season Land Rovers put away Ten Left Feet by 11 - 7 in a fairly comfortable romp, but today Land Rovers were without several key players. "We've been blooding some new players in recent weeks and whilst that has been beneficial for longer term development, we've seen a slight dip in performance" said acting Manager Charlie Smith. Smith said Rovers were competitive for this game but defences lapses cost the team. "The good news is Lance Edwards finally got his shooting boots on and scored a couple of goals, as did Colin McIntosh" said Smith.

Manager Steve Hall said from his Manawatu hideaway. "God it's boring in Palmy, even the hoons have fallen asleep here today, I must get back to town as soon as possible". Hall said he was looking to put up a better effort against Aspire United "We'll put out a fairly strong line up next week and hope to get one back on those guys" said Hall "we need to rediscover the winning habit".

Final Score: Land Rovers 5 Ten Left Feet 8

French Kiss

Less than twenty four hours after Charlie Smith was urged to perform like Zidane, the World Cup final saw Zidane performing like Smith. "I saw the Land Rovers web site" said Zidane "and I thought I needed to put a bit of mongrel in my game to emulate Smithy". Zidane was sensationally sent off for headbutting when France had had far the better of the game. "Smithy seems to have that controlled type of uncontrolled aggression, but I lost the plot and head-butted an opponent".

Rovers Manager Hall said that whilst Zidane was now retired, Rovers would be happy to give him a run if he ever turned up at Shed 1. "We're lacking that little bit of class although we wouldn't honestly resort to what was previously known as a Liverpool kiss, although now obviously it will be called a French kiss" said Hall "but with Charlies past association with Tranmere Rovers you never know".

The World Cup final was won by Italy on penalties 5-4 afetr a 1 - 1 draw in the match itself.

Makeshift Rovers

Land Rovers Captain Steve Hall was a late withdrawal from the Division 7 opener against Ten Left Feet. Hall was "stuck in the Manawatu" and with team star Eddie Hussey unavailable and with Chris Riddle injured, Charlie Smith will be leading out a makeshift team for round one. "I expect Charlie to get us home against these guys as we beat them comfortably last season, but it won't be easy in the circumstances." Hall said Rovers would need to show a strong commitment to covering and tackling to build a foundation for a win. "We've been a pack of girls for the last few weeks so it is time to rectify that". Hall confirmed that Smith should be watching the World Cup final in the morning for a few pointers, and said if Smith could model himself on Zidane then he'd be doing well.

Pollock Torn

Land Rovers Suopprters club president Liz Pollock admitted she was torn tonight after her husband's team ended up in the same division as Land Rovers. A T F C have been in training and have even gone as far as hiring out the venue for practice games each week. "They seem to be taking it seriously but we'll be hoping to send them packing, this isn't ice hockey after all". said Hall "and we aren't intending to be puckering up to them when we play them in August".

New Season Draw Released

Land Rovers will start their new campaign with a game against old foe Ten Left Feet before launching into a rematch a week later against newcomers Assure United. "We'll have to lift it a cog as we haven't been too flash during the grading round" said Manager Hall "but I'm back to face up to my duties and it looks like it's a tougher league this time as about half the old division got relegated down to eight". The squad will have a settled look with all the old regulars all back. "Chris Riddle is injured, so at least we know we've got some consistency there" said Hall "he'll be out for game 1".

Hiding

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was tonight in hiding after an 18 - 4 demolition of the Rovers at the hands of the Giants. "We have every confidence in our manager" said Chairman Rossiter "we're 100% behind him". The Giants turned out to be former division 1 winners who have slipped down to Division 3. Fortunately that is the last grading game and the Rovers are back in familiar territory in Division 7 next week. If Hall is ever located, he'll need to select his starting line up from the wealth of talent that has been lining up for Rovers in the grading rounds. "The 2030 vision to be best team might suffer some slippage this week, 2080 is starting to look more realistic" said Rossiter.

Final Score: Land Rovers 4 Giants 18

New Look Rovers Have Giant Mission

With five of the regular squad out tomorrow there will be a few new faces in the Rovers squad tomorrow for the game against Giants. "I don't want to give too much away before kick off, but I can confirm we will not be playing any dwarfs to throw the opposition off" said Hall "although if we spot a bean stalk in the vicinity of Shed 1 then there will be a few players worried". Hall said size didn't always matter as this was not basketball. "The bigger they come the harder they fall" said Hall "but heaven help they have any players called Ronaldo, I think Charlie will lose the plot".

Smith Sick As A Parrot

Charles Smith was today suffering from a "mystery virus" after ten man England's exit from the World Cup against twelve man Portugal. Rovers Manager Steve Hall said that he was unsure Smith would be back on deck for the match against new team the "Giants" on Wednesday. With several regulars out, Rovers look certain to again blood some new players against the unknown quantity of the Giants. "Charlie is obviously got the bird flu, it's understandable in the circumstances that he is as sick as a parrot, I'm still not feeling that well myself" said Rovers Manager Hall.

Mugged

England were this morning mugged by Cristiano Ronaldo who was involved in an incident that ended with Wayne Rooney being sent from the pitch. "I still can't believe that" said Hall "and I'm declaring a week of mourning for England supporters in the Rovers squad". Hall said that Land Rovers would be practicing penalties which are becoming increasingly important in indoor soccer. "You get penalties against you after five fouls on the opposition in indoor but so far we have only had them against us" reported Hall 'which I think is an over reaction by referees to our physical style". Hall said Smith would now be in doubt for the clash against the Giants on Wednesday as it was unclear if he would stop weeping by then.

Here We Go - We Hope

In a short statement released tonight before he headed off for an early bed time, Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was confident of an English win against Portugal. "We hope the Portugese go out more gracefully than the Argies" said Hall "and then it's Brazil or France for England on Wednesday". Hall confirmed he had lost faith in club psychic Slick Ultra to influence the result but if England win the final he might have to revisit his whole belief system.

Hall commented though if it got down to the rough stuff, England had had some good results in the past against Germany and Argentina. "We won't be intimidated by the Portugese even if they do have five hundred bookings again like the last game, we've got Becks playing in an enforcer role and that should do the trick".