Unlucky For Some

Land Rovers knocked in thirteen goals against Toitu United this afternoon at the Shed of Dreams, in front of a record crowd of at least ten people. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said the game was close for the first minute until Ben White knocked in a long range pot shot and Rovers never looked back. "We didn't want them to go scoreless" said Hall "so I put Lance 'The Cripple' Edwards in goal in the second half who had only recently returned from breaking his wrist". Hall said Toitu had their own goal keeper issues when first choice keeper Craig Harris was taken out before the match by an over-enthusiastic Chris House from his own team.

Hall tried out Charles Smith as striker but had to pull him off after eight minutes as he was in danger of breaking the side wall. "Charlie was looking as sharp as a double-decker bus in the first half" said Hall "but to his credit he stuck at it and finally got one with a minute to go when presented with a ball that even my mother would have struggled to miss". Hall said he was pleased overall with the pre-season romp, but knew it would be tougher from here on in. "We'll have to lift our game on that performance if we going to win the league again" confessed Hall "but it was a good blow out as we hadn't played for two weeks".

Final Score: Land Rovers 13 Toitu Te Whenua 1

Derby Day Dawns

After thunder storms overnight, the day has dawned fine for the first ever local derby clash between Land Rovers and Toitu Te Whenua (United) at the Shed of Dreams. "We've got Charlie up front promising to make a spectacle of himself if he scores" said Hall "so I suspect they start as slight favourites for this one". Hall said he respected Toitu Manager Dale O'Brien and had heard he had made some good signings in his seventeen man squad. "You've got to show respect for any team in this league" said Hall "but I have to say we're all relieved that Alex Natelli is on the bench as we know he's got blistering pace". The match kicks off at 12.30 and is expected to draw a bigger than average attendance to the main stand at the Shed of Dreams.

Hall Renews Interest In Halstead

Left with Charlie Smith as his starting Striker for tomorrow's big local derby at the Shed Of Dreams, Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall has renewed his interest in Team Wellington striker Peter Halstead. "Peter had a good game this weekend scoring two goals in the five nil demolition of Waikato" said Hall "and we're prepared to up our offer for a one game guest appearance to two pints". Hall said he'd approached Team Wellington through their web site but had yet to have the courtesy of a reply. "I think some of these outdoor players don't have the respect for the indoor game that it deserves" said Hall.

Smith To Start As Striker

After months of bleating on about not getting a chance up front, Charles Smith will start up front tomorrow for Land Rovers in their local derby against Toitu United at the Shed of Dreams. "Charlie scored a goal once way back at the beginning of the season before last" said Hall "and with hindsight it was a rather flukey toe punt from his own half". Smith warmed up over the weekend by watching Pompey demolish Reading 3 - 1, before carefully studying Rooney's impressive hat-trick for Manchester United". Smith said he would be putting himself about in the heart of the Toitu United defence saying "I expect they won't be used to my mix of sheer skill and controlled agression".

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he'd seen little evidence of the "control" either in Smith's ball playing ability or in his general on field demeanour. "It's put up or shut up time" said Hall "and we're all hoping he doesn't celebrate goals like LuaLua".

Riddle Hired As "Advisor"

Former Land Rover Player Chris Riddle has been taken on as an advisor on defensive techniques following comments recently made by Toitu United Manager Dale O'Brien. "We realised we'd lost a bit of spine since Chris left" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "even Charlie is turning into a powder puff". Hall said with Riddle living in South Auckland, he was well placed to advise on the defensive tactics needed to neutralise suspect opposition tactics. "Chris was the master of the unsubtle retaliation" said Hall "when Chris said hello to an opposition player they knew what langauage he was speaking". Hall said Vinnie Jones was also considered for the position but was not considered hard enough. Riddle will remain in Auckland.

Toitu United Lay Down Challenge

League Newcomers Toitu United this afternoon laid down the challenge to the experienced Land Rovers Division 7 Championship winning team. Toitu United Manager Dale O'Brien said in an e mail to his team "a bonus will be awarded to anyone who manages to get the game ball stuck in Stephen Hall's mouth". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Toitu United would gain little traction trying to intimidate Land Rovers, as Rovers had learnt everything there is to know about the dark side if the game from former player Chris Riddle. "These guys are now clutching at straws" said Rovers Manager Stave Hall "and Charlie is our enforcer so any nonsense and he'll be taking care of it". Hall said Rovers looked forward to playing Toitu off the park. "I don't perceive any threat at this point from Toitu" said Hall "but no doubt with a degree of complacency on our part, Toitu might get to within ten goals of us". Last season Rovers lost to ATFC after being similarly confident going into the match.

Orange Manager Steps Down

Aaron Holmwood (left) stepped down this afternoon from the position of Land Rovers Orange Distribution Manager after the team complained they'd never seen any oranges. "I quite like a slice of orange at half time" said Andy Auer "but frankly we never saw any not even during the final". Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter said the parting was on good terms as Holmwood was spending his time these days playing with software, and the orange budget had in any event been diverted into "management entertainment budget".

In other news Rovers have renewed their sponsorship with Tony's IT Service after the sponsor kindly agreed to renew the deal with the purchase of some new kit. "We know you just can't miss with Tony's" said Rossiter "and we're pleased to wrap up the deal as we were concerned that Toitu United were now in the market". Rossiter said Rovers now needed to beat Toitu United on the field to justify the faith of the sponsor.

Local Derby - Look Out Toitu

Wellington Indoor sports confirmed this afternoon that Land Rovers first game of the new season would be against local rivals Toitu Te Whenua. Toitu this afternoon lost their opening fixture against Statistics, and the statistics indeed didn't make pretty reading with a 11 - 7 loss. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall (right) said Toitu were now facing the realities of a tough league and Land Rovers intended to do no favours to the new comers. "Locals derbies often arouse the passions on both sides" said Hall "but we'll be focussing on our game and not letting and cross office rivalries get the better of us". Hall would not disclose his starting line up but did say Charlie Smith would start in an unusual role where he could "put up or shut up".

In other news, Hall said he was offering the entire squad tomorrow off training to recognise the magnificant effort of Port Vale qualifying for the fourth round of the Carling Cup. "Let's just say that we know we have a West Ham supporter in our vicinity, and we know Vale won't be playing them in the cup as they went out to galmour club Chesterfield". Hall said he'd followed Vale through thick and thin and today was he was feeling "a bit thicker than usual".

Smith To Train As Football Manager

Charles Smith is now the proud new owner of a shiny new PSP after stopping off at the warehouse on Friday night to buy a bottle of Coca Cola. “I had a few quiets in Auckland before heading of to buy some soft drink” said Smith “but then I spotted this PSP and decided I had to have one “. Smith soon lost the courage of his convictions when meeting up with his wife ten minutes later, and promptly hid the item on his person. Several days later after coming up with a really reasonable excuse why he’d purchased the PSP he finally confessed what he’d done. “Obviously I needed the PSP for the long flight to the UK” exclaimed Smith “ and I’ve ordered the new Football Manager game so that I can acquire the skills to maybe one day graduate to being an indoor football manager”. Smith confirmed that the purchase had cost him but went on to say “the flashing lights of the PSP look really pretty as they reflect off the doghouse roof”

Don't Throw In The Chair Mick

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said that it was good to see Team Wellington boss Mick Waite passionate about his football this afternoon at Newtown Stadium. Mick Waite hurled a chair big wrestling style onto the grass verge and the feeling was he wasn't in full agreement with several decisions by the linesmen. "I thought Mick was practising to do three rounds with the The Bushwhackers, he certainly has a physique for pro-wrestling".

Hall said Waite lost the plot when a linesmen disallowed what would have been the Team Wellington winning goal. "The linesmen seemed to be overawed that former Leeds United player Danny Hay was playing in their defence" said Hall "so whenever Danny yelled off-side he gave it even if there wasn't a Team Wellington player in the opposition half". The game finished 1 - 1 and featured a superbly taken Danny Hay own goal. "It's too early in the season for Mick to be throwing in either the chair or the towel" said Hall "we'll offer him whatever support he needs".

Hall said he was impressed again with Wellington striker Peter Halstead (pictured above). "Peter is our kind of player and I'm sure he'd rapidly adapt to the indoor game" said Hall "and the boys would have a whip round to pay his seven dollar indoor match fee". Hall said Rovers would consider buying Halstead a beer or two as an inducement".

Calendar Boys

Land Rovers Marketing Manager Heather Fernandes has mooted the idea of a Rovers Pin Up Calendar to raise funds for the new season. "Let's face it, any team with Mark 'The Beast"Fatu (left) in the squad has an immediate advantage in the pin up market" said Fernandes "but with the Irish appeal of Eddie Hussie (below right) and rugged fireman look of Ben White, and I think you'll see we are on to a winner here". Rovers have been getting a good deal of International attention recently but the huge cash donation from a rich Russian benefactor has not yet materialised. "We seem to get lots of requests from Russians wanting money for sick relatives, but none so far who want to give us money without wanting money from us first". said Fernandes. Whether the project went ahead would depend on advance orders Fernandes said, and a special Charlie Smith edition would be considered if it proved a hit with Pompey supporters.

Riddle Leads Smith Astray

Charlie Smith was found this evening in Auckland and said he had little recollection of his night out with Chris Riddle (left). "I know he is a bad influence but you expect that from a scummer" said Smith "but at least I don't recall watching the Chelski game go the pain isn't as bad as it could have been if I'd seen us lose". Smith said he would return to Wellington tomorrow but wouldn't be bringing Riddle back with him as Land Rovers disciplinary record had improved considerably since Riddle moved on. "He's doing alright up here passing himself off as a Citrix consultant" said Smith "I suppose he has to be an expert in something considering he hasn't been too clever at picking a decent football team to support".

Smith Missing

Charlie Smith (pictured) was missing this morning in the Big Smoke of Auckland, after learning his beloved Pompey had lost 2 - 1 to Chelski in a Premier League fixture at Stamford Bridge. "We're very worried" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "he was last seen in the company of a very unsavoury looking character who we think was Chris Riddle, and who knows what damage they might have done to the city". Hall asked Rovers supporters in Auckland to look out for the tell tale signs of a trail of devastation, most likely around bars that cater for English football holligan types. "We just hope we find him before he does some interior redesign on a pub" said Hall "but it could have been worse, at least Pompey weren't playing the Saints". Hall said Smith would no doubt surface and it might be just as well he was moving to the Wild West of Perth as New Zealand could only take so much of this.

Smith Backs Down

After international discussion on the Football 365 web site, Pompey fanatic Charles Smith has backed down under pressure on his prediction that Pompey would win 3 - 0 against Chelsea in the match starting at 3 am New Zealand time. "I've considered all the feedback including that from various pensioners in the London area, and I admit I was a bit optimistic, I now think after due consideration we'll only win 2 - 0". Smith who is on a prolonged tour of Auckland bars said he would be watching the game live on television as he "didn't want to miss Chelsea meeting their match".

Smith In Premature Celebration

Charlie Smith was this morning celebrating Pompey's three - nil win over Chelsea in his plush Auckland hotel room. Smith was so confident of a Pompey victory, as he had seen it all in his dreams last night, that he had foregone the traditional waiting for the game to be played and gone straight to the post-match celebration. "Sometimes you just have that feeling that you're right, and this one is a very clear vision as I see Chelsea heads going down as Cole scores his hat-trick".

Smith in Auckland for no reason in particular, is threatening to liven up Auckland's dismal night life with a small tour of the central city establishments. "I'll be having a few quiets and will be initiating Scummer Riddle into the fine art of celebrating success" said Smith "it's been a long time since The Saints won anything so he'll need a few lessons". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Rovers had a week off so providing Smith got himself back to Wellington by this time next week he'd be considered for selection.

Smith has previously indicated he will streak down the Wainui Golf course if Pompey are top of the league by November.

McIntosh Move Mooted

Colin McIntosh said this evening that he didn't think his final winning hat-trick had been given enough credit and he had given thought to signing for new local rivals Toitu United. McIntosh said his unflashy but clinical finishing skills had made the difference in the final and he was looking forward to Rovers making a better offer for the coming season or he might take his silky skills elsewhere. Dale O'Brien the Toitu United Manager said he had spoken to several Rovers players about possible transfers to his side but was not disclosing at this point who he was talking to.

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was unconcerned about attempts to raid the Rovers squad and he was confident Rovers would be more than a match for whatever team Toitu United put out on the park. "I don't think these Toitu guys will be hardened to the realities of playing at this level, and young Dale has a bit to learn about big time indoor football management". Hall said McIntosh had got some big ideas ever since he came back from his recent visit to Singapore but added "no player was bigger than the club".

Smith Turning To The Dark Side

Charlie Smith confessed today that his visit to Auckland for Labour weekend would include a few beers with former Land Rovers and Southampton supporter Chris Riddle. "I'd better look up the scummer whilst I'm up there" confessed Smith "as although it is generally considered unnatural for Pompey supporters to associate with his ilk, his Rovers connection makes it acceptable in this case". Smith said Riddle might yet be converted to supporting Pompey as he was made of the "right stuff" given his disciplinary record. "I think he'd fit in in a Pompey crowd providing he left the Saints shirt in his closet" confirmed Smith. Smith said he understood the Auckland media had been tipped of to the visit and a photo or two of the visit may yet appear on the net.

Ben White and the Eight Dwarfs

Fans of Ben White today claimed that the change in fortunes for Rovers in the run into winning the Championship were down to the introduction of his defensive qualities into the team. "The team wasn't going very well until Ben came on the scene" said a delirious female fan clearly smitten with the Rovers central defender "and frankly he dwarfs the rest of the team in terms of football ability". White is seen here (above dancing with Charlie Smith) in action from the final and keen observers have pointed out that he does not appear to dwarfing the enigmatic Charlie Smith. Smith said through his agent that he didn't feel belittled by the arrival of White even though White had no scored more goals than him.

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said White had been a useful addition to the squad but it was unfair to suggest the other squad members were the eight dwarfs. Hall said there was reasonably clear photographic evidence that White hardly dwarfed Smith. "I think some female fans are getting a bit carried away" said Hall "but it might explain why Ben kept the Championship trophy for most of the last week". Hall said he'd have a talk to White to make sure fame wasn't going to his head.

Rovers Reject Robot Refresh

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter (right) announced this afternoon that the club had reneged on its earlier promise to go 100% electronic and replace the entire squad with robots. The move to a completely robotic team would have been the first time in the world that this had been achieved by an indoor team, with only Chelsea having produced a robotic team in the outdoor game. "We value out people as they are our greatest resource" said Rossiter "and as it turned out the costs of buying robots was outside our current budget unless we got a rich Russian backer".

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said the boys had earned their reprieve after winning the Championship. "Let's face it you wouldn't get the entertainment value from the robot that you get from Charlie Smith" said Hall "although a robotic referee has merit after watching the Team Wellington game on Sunday". Hall said the announcement of a rival LINZ indoor club called Toitu Te Whenua would keep Rovers on their toes as poaching of players was now a likely factor in team selection. "We're really hoping their will be a local derby so we can show them some championship winning football" confessed Hall.

Not Waiting For Waite Call

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall (right) said this afternoon it was far too early in the season to be offering assistance to beleaguered Team Wellington boss Mick Waite (below left) as things may yet come right without the help of the Championship winning manager. Hall said that Team Wellington had followed the script all the supporters had expected in their 2 - 1 loss to Manawatu yesterday at Newtown Park. "I was only saying before the match that they'd come out all fired up and take an early lead" suggested Hall "before fading in the second half losing 2 - 1 in the final minutes". Hall wasn't claiming any psychic powers, it is just that Team Wellington have followed this pattern about ten or so times previously. Hall said on paper the team looked better this year and some of the new signing looked promising. Hall also said he thought Peter Halstead was worth his starting position and he would "be welcome to have a match for Rovers any time he liked". Halstead was not available for comment as this went to the net.