Elusive Psychic Snapped

Elusive Land Rovers Club Psychic Slick Ultra was today featured on the Stuff web site after he failed to accurately predict that the photographer would take a photo as he walked by. "He was a sharp eyed guy and I can only assume he did some psychic counter blocking to prevent me foreseeing what was going to happen" said Ultra. Manager Hall was still sceptical about Ultra's pre-cognitive powers "If he was so good he would have known where the ball was going when he played in goal for us" said Hall "and he would have just gone there a minute before the shot went in". Hall however conceded that the photo of Ultra was blurred and the possibility that this was created by a backward projected tachyon mind wave could not entirely be ruled out. "We need to keep him on in case Infinity start using Uri Geller to bend the goal round the ball" suggested Hall.

The photo reached $2.75 tonight on the Trade Me web site as Slick had a fierce bidding war with another Slick Ultra from a parallel universe. A mind meld with the other Ultra revealed England have won the last ten World Cup finals in that universe and Land Rovers are the strongest indoor team in the world. Slick was currently endeavouring to ascertain how he'd met Pamela Anderson in the other world in the hope of applying this knowledge in the real world.

Land Rovers Secure Shirt Sponsorship

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed this morning that the days of wearing sweaty old bibs might soon be over for Land Rovers as they secured a sponsorship deal for shirts with an as yet unnamed investor. "You media piranhas will just to wait and see who the sponsor is when we offically launch the shirts" exclaimed Hall "but a hint is that this investor has cut his mustard, not to mention a few other things, on the golf course". Hall said there would now be a long argument over what colour the shirts would be but bright yellow was a contender so that the team could easily pick each other out on the field. "We've had a few problems passing to the opposition, we reckon this development will help sort that out" informed Hall.

Diving Lessons

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall ordered his team to take diving lessons before their next grading game against the ominously named Giants. "We've seen from the Italians that with not much effort you can extract a penalty provided you have done at least a few minutes practice at`falling on your face" said Hall "I expect we'll see a bit of this sort of thing on friday night but the boys need to do the hard yards to practice this skill". Hall said the Giants were a big team but that Rovers wouldn't be looking up to them. "We'll be hiring step ladders to prevent that possibility" Hall quipped.

Cosmic Disturbance Hinders Rovers

Newly appointed club psychic Slick Ultra confirmed this afternoon that Land Rovers had no chance of winning their game today against Assure United due to negative vibrations in the fourth dimension. “The alignment of Uranus and Pluto set up an unusual disturbance in the cosmic fabric of the fourth dimension” said Ultra “the natural transference of karma waves through the dimensional matrix led to a spectral distortion in the area immediately between The Terrace and Lambton Quay. Unfortunately the alignment of tea leaves in the Lambton House tenth floor tea pot, led to a sub-space rift that impacted negatively on the corpus amygdaloideum in the medial temporal lobe of the Land Rovers players”. Club Psychologist Liz O’Brien commented on Ultra’s analysis “It’s a load of twaddle, the team went out with a slack attitude and paid the price”.

Manuel Labour

Anyone who thought Spain underperformed in their match against France at the World Cup, should have seen El Rovers playing Assure United today at the Shed of Dreams. "I'd say we approached this game very casually and once the game kicked off we got looser from there" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "the concept of marking the opposition seemed to evade us and the opposition had a great time taking free shots at out goal. The sad part is they weren't even a very good team". Hall said that Rovers would be practicing tackling old ladies over the next week to improve their skills, although he suspected that it would take a few days for the team to be able to catch up with anyone under the age of eighty. "I know what the Spanish team must be feeling like today, I thought at one point of changing my name to Manuel" said Hall.

In other news, a choked up Dean Rossiter fought back the tears as he reflected on the travesty that was the Italian penalty against Australia. "Honesty, some of the houses I rent out are better dives than that" said Rossiter "and I object to being robbed of a game by a player who doesn't even fall over without any class". Rossiter contended that football was a silly game anyway and he would stick to watching Aussie Rules from now on.

Final Score El Rovers 2 Assure United 8

Pretty Boy Smith On DVD

Charles Smith direct from celebrating an England win over Ecuador, was delighted to tell anyone who'd listen this morning that his mug was now on DVD. "I did a little video at a conference recently and they've picked my interview out for the DVD. I could become the next Knight Rider". Smith who was having difficulty becoming famous through his football ability may now have a second career as a TV personality opening up in front of him. "I've seen some things in my time" said Rovers Manager Hall "but Charlie becoming a TV star would take the biscuit, the cake and the apple crumble too". Smith was currently in negotiation for "use of his image" with Television New Zealand. An anonymous source at the state owned broadcaster said "Who the hell is Smith?”

Early Start For Smith

Notoriously late starter Charlie Smith confirmed tonight he was in training for the 3 am start on Monday morning when England plays Ecuador. "I wanted to build myself up for it" said Smith "so I got out of bed at 11 am this morning". Smith who usually lounges around in bed until 3 pm on Saturday said getting up four hours early was tough, but because it was England he was up for it. Smith intends to get out of bed at 7 am tomorrow for the late World Cup game, before making the huge leap to 3 am the following day. "I'm proud of the lad" said Rovers manager Hall "I know he's never been awake that early before so I'll be sending him a congratulatory text at 3am Monday morning".

Rossiter Relieved

Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter was relieved this evening that Australia qualifed for the next round of the World Cup. "I'm very happy for Australia but sad for Rovers, I haven't found any talent to bring back to New Zealand". Rossiter talked to several prospects but none shared the Rovers vision of being the best in Wellington by 2030. "Most thought New Zealand was full of sheep and not much else, so it was hard to build the enthusiasm for the team". Rossiter said the trip was no picnic and he'd scoured Sydney indoor venues looking for the right skills. "You wouldn't believe what I put myself through" said Roositer.

England's Dreaming

Concern this morning as a woeful English defence let the Swedes come back from the dead and equalise 2 - 2. "I thought England looked like us against Infinity" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "I was half expecting Sven to bring Charlie and Chris on as substitutes". England will live to fight another day as will Rovers. Hall said he had a few surprises for next match but refused to confirm or deny that Rovers had made a new signing during the off-season. "We're not just relying on Deano to score in Sydney, we've keeping our eyes peeled for local talent as well" said Hall. Hall continues to rough it at a remote Wairarapa location and reportedly had not spotted any potemtial Rovers during his visit.

Hall Protests

Rovers Manager Steve Hall protested vigourously when Wellington Indoor Soccer drew Land Rovers to play Infinity in a grading game. "We've played them two out of our last three games and we'd like to play someone else" said Hall. Rovers have now drawn Assure United for an 11.30 fixture on Wednesday to start the new campaign. "We don't know much about United but we have kept the core squad together from last season so we're looking forward to the new season" said Hall. Hall said he was currently focussing on the England match tomorrow morning as he was looking to style his own game on Wayne Rooney. "I can see similarities in the way we play, although apparently no one else can" crumbled Hall.

Rovers Down But Not Out

With the absence of Hall, Smith and Grant from the semi-final, Land Rovers put up a creditable performance against Computer Says No with only five players. The teams traded blows to reach 5 - 5 before the lack of subs took its toll and Rovers went down 7 - 5. Manager Steve Hall was on a "leadership" course at a undisclosed Martinborough Vineyard "I'm proud of the boys and I'm picking up some interesting pointers for next season over here at the Vineyard" said Hall "and the power has been out for an hour now so I just want the team to know I'm slumming it in the dark". Hall said the vineyard was putting on free wine to cheer things along but he was not able to participate due to his intensive training regime. The new season kicks of next week with three grading rounds.

Final Score Land Rovers 5 Computer Says No 7

Rossiter Talent Spotting in Sydney

Chairman Dean Rossiter said today he was 100% behind Australias bid to beat Brazil at 4 am tomorrow New Zealand time. "I'm a big Aussie supporter so I'm off to Sydney in the morning to soak up the atmosphere". Rossiter was reluctant to comment on speculation he was in Sydney to look at potential players to recruit for the upcoming indoor season starting next week. "You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see we'll need some new talent to be the best team in Wellington by 2030, so if I look for a bit of talent while I'm in Sydney that will be no big surprise"

Meanwhile Charlie Smith was recalled to the Land Rovers squad for the third place play-off tomorrow against Computer Says No. "This will be a tough game against a team who went unbeaten through the round robin" said Rovers Manager Hall "and with two regulars including myself out we need Charlies experience in the squad so he is back from the wilderness". Hall said the third place play off wasn't a big game now Rovers were out of the final. "We'll go through a rebuilding phase for the grading games next week" said Hall "and I'm off to Martinborough for a week for an intensive review of tactics at a local winery".

"Crouchless" Hussey

Land Rovers star player and acting manager Eddie Hussey today suggested that Land Rovers had failed in their semi-final against Infinity because they lacked the quality of a striker like Peter Crouch. Crouch spectacularly missed an attempt on goal this morning when his legs somehow got in the way of his feet. England went on to win with Crouch wisely using his head to score. "We don't have a player in our side who can do that manouevre" said Hussey "although Chris Riddle reportedly does a good imitation after a few pints". Hussey said that Rovers would be practicing "the crouch" over the weekend as it was important for Rovers to be using state of the art techniques when missing goals. "Let's face it" said Hussey "you'd never actually do that if you wanted to score".

Smith Exonerated

Chariles Smith was cleared of any wrong-doing in speaking to the media to today when a probe by Rovers Psychologist Liz O'Brien found nothing at all to worry about. "Charlies is programmed to make these comments about referees, he has absolutely no control over what he says and therefore is not culpable" said O'Brien. A relieved Smith said he was over the moon at being cleared and would continue to make comments about the men in the middle as he saw fit. "It's part of my heritage to provide referees with advice, the game wouldn't be the same without this kind of balance" said Smith. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Smith would be unavailable for the next match but declined to elaborate. "We're focussing our mental energies now on an England win tomorrow, so we want to put this probe business behind us". said Hall.

Internal Probe for Smith

After comments to the media yesterday Charlie Smith faces an internal investigation to decide whether he will play in the third place play off against Computer Says No next Monday. "Obviously he's run away at the mouth" said Director of Football Nikki File this morning "and we'll need to probe Charlie about unauthorised comments to the media". File said the investigation would occur this morning but inside sources say that Smith is likely to be cleared as the whole investigation is a cover up to keep Rovers out of the judiciary. File denied this "We don't take these matters lightlly and Charlie will be put through the wringer before we clear him".

"I'm no Ronaldiniho" moans Smith

Charlie Smith today took time out from his extensive World Cup watching schedule to comment on the proposal for him to develop juggling skills like the Brazillians. "It's not British and I'm no Ronaldo" complained Smith "and where I come from you're considered a bit if a nancy boy if you juggle the ball in the air". Smith said his recent lack of goal scoring was down to "creative differences" with his team mates, but he largely put the blame on the referees who appeared to be penalising him for his rough and tumble approach. "I'd like to give some of these referees the benefit of my experience as they seem to be on another planet" said Smith "but I'm not going out there like a big girl's blouse and playing that poncy Brazillian stuff. Manager Hall could not be reached for comment and was said to be on a "planning day".

Roos Pull Through

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter was a relieved man today as Oztralia came from behind to beat Japan with three late goals. "We wuz out of it I thought" said Rossiter "until Cahill got stuck in and scored those two goals". Tomorrow Brazil make their debut in the tournament and Rovers Manager Steve Hall will be looking for pointers from the World Champions. "Everyone knows we want to be the best five a side team in Wellington by 2030, but we have ambitions beyond that to be the best in New Zealand by 2050. We're going to need to adopt Brazillian skills to achieve that and I have in mind a daily ball juggling routine for the likes of Smithy to build his balance and ball control. Heaven knows what we're going to do about his lack of vision but you've got to start somewhere". Smith said through his agent that he was underwhelmed by the proposal, but would not comment on the record for fear of being droppped.

Closet Kangeroo Exposed

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter said that he would be supporting Australia in their World Cup tie against Japan. "I'm a closet roo" said Rossiter "and I wouldn't mind swinging a handbag at Mark Viduka if he got a bit stroppy in a bar". Mark Vaduka was not available for comment but an anonymous internet source said that Harry Kewell was more your handbag kind of a bloke.

Lands Rovers manager is also supporting the Okkers as his second team "I was in Sydney the night Oz beat Uruguay and ran into a whole lot of reformed poms from Perth who all supported Oz". Hall is using the many hours of football to hone up on latest coaching developments. "I haven't worked out what Sven is up to yet" said Hall "but let's hope there is a method to his madness".

Alternative Scotland Clinch Draw

England supporters were well satisfied with the the results today at the World Cup when England won with a well taken own goal from Paraguay, and the heroic Trinidad and Tobago held Sweden to a 0-0 draw with ten men. "It could hardly have worked out better" said Rovers Manager Hall "and if England beat Trinidad and Tobago then they're through to the next round". Many of the Trinidad and Tobago players play in the minor leagues like the Scottish Premiership, and therefore they have become heavily backed by Scottish supporters. "You apparently can't buy Trinidad and Tobago shirts in Scotland, and a Glaswegian blond was reported on the internet as wondering why there were five teams in the group, she wanted Tobago kicked out".

Smith Bunkers Down

Charles Smith had bunkered dowm in his home this evening with enough beer and snacks to see him through the first round World Cup fixture between England and Paraguay. "I had to hire a forklift to get the supplies in" said Smith "but I'm a great believer that you have to give your team the best chance and I don't want to be leaving the TV unattended as I know my support is important". Smith thankfully did not explain how he would be dealing with a call of nature, but had bought several lengths of plastic tube earlier in the day. "It was a pity the Germans won their first round fixture" said Smith "but they aren't in the same class as this England team".

Rovers Supporting England

With the World Cup approaching in a matter of hours, a vote taken with the Land Rovers English contingent decided to throw the full weight of the club behind the England World Cup campaign. "We've had a whip round and unfortunately come up with no cash to send to the English camp" said Rovers Manager Hall "but Lance picked up England in the sweepstake so we're right behind him in winning the lot". Hall said that Chris Riddle picked up the Paraguay ticket and immediately burnt it knowing he had no chance whatsoever. "It was depressing getting that one" said Riddle "especially when I'm picking them to lose the first match by ten-nil".

Grant Unbundled

Rovers Manager Steve Hall today announced the transfer for an undisclosed fee of Patrick Grant to Telecom. "We're not a Chelski or a Telecom" said Hall 'and their offer was too rich for us". Grant who starred in the semi-final against Infinity yesterday said he was looking forward to the challenge of playing in the big time. "Telecom are one of the big local teams and it was time to spread my wings and look for new challenges" said Grant.

Hall said Land Rovers hoped to be one of the big players themselves by 2030 "We've got a vision to be up there over the next twenty-four years, but in the shorter term our aim is to get to Division 6 so we can use it as a springboard to fame and glory" confirmed Hall. Rovers are currently working on a Statement of Intent and obtaining shirts for the club is expected to be a top priority. "We're looking to graduate from bibs" said Hall "it's a key goal for the coming year". Hall said that he believed an injection of around a hundred million would see a change in the teams fortunes.

Down Rovers

Land Rovers went down this afternoon 8 -3 to Infinity in a semi-final match at the Shed of Dreams (pictured). "That's their third victory over us so I'm starting to get an inkling that they have it over us" said Rovers manager Steve Hall. Hall said the Rovers had had a good first season and despite losing to Infinity three times, they had not yet lost to any other team. Rovers are likely to play AMP for third next week, the team they squeaked in against 7 - 6 last time. Land Rovers were competitive today in the first half coming back from 3 - 0 down to be 3 - 2 at half time. "They ran us ragged in the second half when our marking dropped off, but it wasn't until right at the end that they pulled away" said Hall "but I'll be talking to Chairman Rossiter as I think with an investment of $50 million we could strengthen the squad". Hall said it would probably cost six million just to provide Chris Riddle with a bionic leg, and the other 44 million would probably be frittered away on team building in the Bahamas.

Final Score: ROVERS 3 Infinity 8










Shed of Dreams, Wellington

Mental Problems Sorted

In a week where Land Rovers have signed more backroom staff than Chelski have signed players, Rovers announced the appointment this afternoon of a Sports Psychologist Liz O'Brien. "We needed someone to play head games with" said Hall "and Liz thought she was the perfect candidate due to her self reported mental toughness". Liz O'Brien confessed to having an interest in rubber hand bags and mental torture and said she looked forward to keeping the boys on their toes. "We're hoping Liz will be doing that thing that the Russians did to Bobby Fisher, a little bit of psychic mumbo jumbo on the Infinity lads might be enough to put them off their game" said Hall.

Hall put Rovers through a grueling mental training run this afternoon. "We asked the boys to imagine they were running up Mount Vic with Liz running behind them with a whip". The ploy backfired with several players enjoying the experience against all expectations. Rovers go into the crucial semi-final with Infinity tomorrow with a two loss no win record. "They've had the better of us so far but I'll be looking for a big game from Charlie Smith, who hasn't really done the business since his miracle goal from half way back in about game three". Hall said the team was taking a nothing to lose approach to the game and the players were under instruction to have fun or be dropped.

Director of Football Appointed

Nikki File was today appointed Director of Football by Land Rovers Football club. "We have no idea what a Director of Football does" said Rovers Manager Hall "but as part of our vision to be the best indoor team in Wellington by 2030, we wanted to follow the lead of the major clubs and appoint a director". Hall said the Director of Football role with Land Rovers would be totally symbolic and he did not expect File to give him any advice on anything relating to football. "Our expectations at this stage is that Nikki will make the coffee but we haven't got round to telling her what the job involves yet so we'll be taking that one step at a time" said Hall.

Fernandes Hears The Drum

With the departure of Noirin Brady to Europe to boost Rovers European hand bag sales, Heather Fernandes has been appointed as the Rovers New Zealand based marketing chief. "We think Heather will really help us diversify our sales appeal to new markets" said Chairman Dean Rossiter "she has a spanish sounding name which will help us take on Real Madrid in the Japanese market, is Indian which should help us on the sub-continent, and was born on London which will be a big plus with the Cockney git market segment". Fernandes was ecstatic about the appointment and announced the club was working on releasing a song in time for the World Cup. "Can you hear the drum Fernandes? has promise" she said.

Tunnel Training Cancelled

Lands Rovers manager Steve Hall today cancelled a proposed team training run in the Terrace motor way tunnel. "We were going to jog through there to get the boys adrenaline going for the semi-final on Wednesday, but we heard over night that a party of four year olds went through there yesterday and we think now it will be too dangerous dodging high speed cars and toddlers". Hall denied it was a publicity stunt designed to improve ticket sales for the semi-final against Infinity "They don't even sell tickets to our games, in fact the have the temerity to make us pay to play". Hall confirmed that Rovers were looking to exploit the popularity of Mark "the beast" Fatu, but a plan to sell his body on Trade Me had got bogged down in red tape. "Apparently they thought it was akin to the slave trade" confirmed Hall.

Handbag Range Takes Off

Noirin Brady today confirmed the Rovers Handbag range had taken off since publicity created by Tana Umaga following the Super 14 final. "We were first to market as we had a two day jump on the story" said Brady "so we had our range on the net before the Rugby Union could really capitalise on it". Brady will be moving to Europe this weekend so that Rovers can push the range into the Northern Hemisphere Market. "We're excited about the commercial opportunities with the hangbag range" said Rovers Chairman Rossiter "so we're putting Noirin on the next plane to Europe". The New Zealand Rugby Union could not be contacted for comment.

"I'm No Hussey" Says Fatu

Mark “the beast” Fatu said last night that he was training hard after missing selection for the last match against Infinity. “I’d been away for a few days and the gaffa dropped me” said Fatu “but I’ve been putting in the miles at the gym and I’m looking forward to the semi-final”. Fatu professed he lacked the skills of midfield maestro Eddie Hussey “I’m no Hussey, but I’m working on my technique and I seem to have a few fans out there which is nice”. Marketing Manager Noirin Brady confirmed that Fatu bibs were a sought after item. “We don’t sell many of the Hussey bibs for some reason, but we can’t keep up with the demand for the Fatu the Beast product line”.