Smith Claims Magical Powers

A severely hung over Charlie Smith claimed that his magical powers as a football supporter helped Pompey snatch a vital point from Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium this morning (Shed 1 Time). "We got off to a good start and were two - nil up with a bit of help from my vocal chords" said Smith "but then I did a streak and it seemed to revive the Arse and they got a couple of goals back". Smith also confessed exclusively to this blog that he sneaked down to Scumland during the week to "check out the talent". This is a remarkable confession as every Pompey supporter knows that Southampton 'talent' looks like an overweight Russian body building champion with pimples. "I'll be sending some photos over as a record of my adventures" said Smith "and wish the Rovers all the best for their top of the table clash against Post-It tomorrow". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he felt safer with Smith on the other side of the world adding "I think I've found a new player to replace Smith who will keep a lower profile".

Strikers Surplus For Pompey

Sol Campbell (right) this evening (Shed 1 Time) ruled himself out of playing striker for Pompey against Arsenal early tomorrow local time. Harry Redknapp wasn't available for comment on whether or not he had considered the availability of Charlie Smith (below) for the fixture. Smith at the game on a visit home from New Zealand, was available to play but will now only be able to support his team in the stand. "I heard rumours on the net that on hearing Smith was available" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "Redknapp decided to play a 5 - 5 - 0 formation, figuring no striker was preferable to having Smith up there. Pompey are expected to struggle in the match which is evidently only available for viewing on dodgy Internet sites as it is not being shown in New Zealand on Sky.

In other news, Team Wellington proved how dull football can be with a 0 - 0 draw with bottom placed Waikato. "If we had a tactical plan then it was not obvious to anyone in the stand" said Hall "but Mick decided to take off Peter Halstead which looked close to the strangest substitution in history".

Pompey Desperate - Is Smith The Answer?

Charles Smith was this morning (Shed 1 time) preparing himself for the daunting trip to the Emirates stadium for the Pompey match against The Arse. Pompey Manager Harry Redknapp is reportedly so desperate to find a new striker with Kanu suspect and Cole, Lualua and Mwaruwari all injured, that he has consider playing Sol Campbell up front for this one. Redknapp joked with Kanu that he might have to play first-team coach and former Manchesterr United and Leeds striker Joe Jordan (pictured) to which Kanu replied "Who is Joe?". If Smith is ever to make a career as a professional footballer then now is the hour to volunteer for Portsmouth as a striker. "He's not had a big impact in the goal scoring stakes in Indoor Football with only three goals ever "said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but he'd surely make some impact in the outdoor game even if it was to damage the Emirates pitch (above left)".

Unable Seaman

Auckland City tonight lost their World Club Championship match 3 - 0 to against Korea Republic's Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors, but Auckland player Paul Seaman (pictured) missed a sitter from right in front of goal. "It was the sort of miss that Charlie Smith might contrive from out in front of goal if Charlie ever found himself in space" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "and it is fair to say even I might have had a chance of converting that one". Tomorrow night sees Barcelona in action against Internacional of Brazil after their earlier 4 - 0 win. "Looking forward to the final" said Hall " I might pick up a few pointers for the big game on Monday against Post It. Land Rovers take on Post It in Shed 6 (Shed of Light) and hope to turn the tables on Post It who beat Rovers in the last round.

All The Best Auckland AFC

Land Rovers manager Steve Hall wished Auckland AFC all the best for the clash this evening (11 pm Shed 1 time) against Korea Republic's Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors in the World Club Championship. "The Knights have finally imploded this week and come under New Zealand Football with Ricki Herbert managing" said Hall "so the Auckland AFC game might be the only bright spot in New Zealand football this week besides our own impressive win". Hall said the way things are going many of the Auckland players might soon find themselves playing for the Knights. "There have been only four New Zealand players in the Knights and the results haven't been flash" said Hall "so putting in New Zealand players isn't going to make things any worse on the field, but will ultimately develop local players to a higher standard". Hall hoped the name the Knights would change as well. "I was thinking Rovers has a better ring to it". said Hall.

Gosport Quiet - though Anfield might not be

The arrival of Charlie Smith in Gosport has so far failed to cause the expected riots, and Smith says he has yet to run into a Southampton supporter. "I ran into more scummers in New Zealand than I would in a life time here in Gosport" said Smith "although that might have something to do with scummers having a low life expectancy in this part of the world". Smith had considered inviting ex Rovers player and current Rovers advisor Chris Riddle over to Gosport from his South Auckland getto, but realised that a 'bovver boy' like Riddle would be unlikely to get much past the outskirts of town. "In New Zealand Scummers are tolerated" said Smith "but over here we don't much care for them as political correctness toward loving the supporters of rival clubs just doesn't exist". Smith's travel to Anfield for the Pompey versus Liverpool match should be made more interesting as he has had some 'advance publicity' on a Liverpool fan site. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he expected Smith would have a warm welcome if he went anywhere near The Kop.

Rossiter To Leave At End Of The Season

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter confirmed that he would be staying on until the end of the current season, but had longer term aims to leave the glorious Wellington weather behind him. "When I heard that Charlie Smith was moving to Perth, I thought the idea of moving to Oz had appeal" said Rossiter "but obviously I wanted to stay well clear of Charlie so I'll be in Brisbane which should be just far enough away". Rossiter said the club had moved from strength to strength under his stewardship and it now looked like bowing out with a second championship win was a distinct possibility. "I think we've built a squad that could take us into Division 6" said Rossiter "and I'll watch with interest as I recline on the beach in Queensland to see what happens next". Rossiter said that whilst there was appeal in staying on in Wellington as Chairman as Rovers, after difficult deliberations the sunny climate and relaxed lifestyle of Queensland had won the day by the narrowest of margins.

Good Morning Gosport

Charles Smith was settling in to the 'English Riviera" this morning (Shed 1 Time) with the news that yet another book was being released on the infamous 657 gang. "I don't know if Charlie was ever in the 657 group" said Land Rover Manager Steve Hall "but he sure seems to get a bit agitated on the field at times especially with referees, so there is a hint of the hooligan element there". Pompey are currently third in the Premiership so Smith is certainly in for a good six weeks of matches as he follows Pompey to Anfield and Emirates Stadium. "We're looking forward to the photos coming through" said Hall "as after seeing Charlie at the Rugby League test I can only imagine what he'd be like at a Pompey match". Smith was unavailable for comment.

Rovers Repulse Intergen

In what was as good a performance as any previously played by Rovers, five man Rovers ran riot over title pretenders Intergen.Net this morning at the Shed of Dreams. "I was a bit worried when our sixth man Andy 'fair weather' Auer didn't turn up as expected" said Hall "but the five courageous players who did put up a superb effort and left the Intergen boys a bit shell shocked". Hall said it was a close affair early on with Intergen scoring first from a long range pot shot, but Rovers stuck to their work and had a handy 6 - 1 lead at half time. "Everyone contributed to this result and Lance Edwards (pictured) is coming on in leaps and bounds" said Hall "he even stuck a few in the net in the pre-match warm up and got within twenty feet during the match". White, Hussey, Hall and McIntosh all scored at least a couple, with White again demonstrating the effectiveness of his runs from deep. "The score makes it sound like an easy game but it was anything but" said Hall "this one is the result of hard graft and good team work, the boys can be proud".

In other news, Charlie Smith arrived in Gosport, England knowing Pompey had done the business over the weekend. "I'm sure even I'd have scored for Rovers in that match" said Smith, although others pondered whether Smith being on the other side of the world had aided the Rovers cause.

Final Score: Land Rovers 12 Intergen.Net 3

Well Done Auckland City

Auckland City AFC went down 2 - 0 this morning in the World Club Championship to Al Ahly at the Toyota Stadium in Japan but put up a very creditable performance. "For my money they looked better than the Knights who played their A League game immediately before and drew 1 - 1" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "and it would be interesting to see what happened if they played the Knights". Hall said it was unfortunate that Bryan Little (pictured) didn't make the team but he might get a run in the next match on Friday. Hall said it was a late night however with a key Rovers fixture tomorrow. "I might have to flag the Chelsea match as it is only three hours away and I need to sleep" said Hall "Rovers play rivals Intergen tomorrow and it will be a tough match". Rovers kick off at 11 am in the Shed of Dreams.

Big In Japan

The whirlwind visit of Charles Smith to Tokyo was certainly not the only event of interest in Japan today as Auckland City prepare for their World Club Championship match this evening. Smith went almost unnoticed as a glittering array of football talent entered the country, and not surprisingly he was not mistaken for Ronaldiniho by the Japanese press. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said the Rovers club gave Auckland City best wishes and Hall said he would be watching the match against African and Egyptian Champions Al Ahly (kick off 11 pm Shed 1 time). "I know it is a Jafa team playing and I wouldn't normally follow them" said Hall "but former Team Wellington player Bryan Little is in the team so I'll lend my our support for this one". Hall said with the Knights playing Adelaide and Team Wellington taking on Waitakere it would be a busy day for local football followers. "Hopefully we'll get two out of three results" said Hall " but I don't fancy the Knights chances to be honest and none of the teams I'm supporting will be starting favourites".

Smith Gives Hickey Advice

Charles Smith failed to leave the country quietly when he ran into Noah Hickey at Auckland International Airport this morning and gave Hickey some advice on the finer points of the game. Smith waiting for his plane to Japan, did not miss the opportunity to pass on his footballing experience to the Knights "striker" who has the knack of not finding the net with the Knights this season. "I gave him a bit of advice based on my last goal" said Smith "that you won't score unless you shoot and if he pulls finger he might still score another goal before the season ends". The Knights off to Adelaide to play against Romario were grateful for Smith's insights and thanked him before boarding their plane. Smith has a stop over in Tokyo and will watch video of the J League to see if there are any perspective Rovers prospects in the league. "If the Knights can import Chinese players" said Smith "I guess we can import Japanese players".

Fatu Downplays Sex Symbol Status

Mark Fatu this morning confirmed his status as a sex symbol was hurting his ambitions to be taken seriously as a Hollywood producer. "It is all very flattering having a huge entourage of female fans" said Fatu "but I am serious about my film and television career and I think you'll see through my blog At Home With The Beast that I have that creative x factor that possibly only Peter Jackson can come close to". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he needed Fatu to do his talking on the pitch as he was in danger of being distracted by the glamour of film and television. "My sister is a television producer and director and has won a few media awards with her company Jam TV"said Hall "so if Fatu can score a hat-trick next week I'll have a quiet word and see if we can get him on Intrepid Journeys".

Smith Off

Charlie Smith was set to push off to the UK for a six week excursion tomorrow that will take in Pompey games at Anfield, Emerates Stadium and of course Fratton Park. "I'm looking forward to the trip but especially the opportunity to see Pompey stuff Spurs, always one of the highlights of the Premiership season" said Smith "and when I come back I have to make immediate plans to depart for sunny Perth". Smith said he expected to sneak in another game or two for Rovers before setting up a Rovers franchise in Western Australia. "I'm lucky that the manager has sold me the Western Australian Rovers franchise for $10000" said Smith "I always wanted to run a successful team". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said it would be quiet without Smith. "It will be like ripping out a page in Rovers history" said Hall "the biggest event since Chris Riddle moved to the South Auckland waste lands".

Elton In Town

Former Watford Chairman Elton John played a concert in Wellington last night in perfect conditions before a crowd of 35000. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed that he attended the event hoping to have a word to Elton about a cash injection into the Land Rovers Football Club. "Obviously if we're to achieve our aim to be the best in Wellington by 2030, we're going to need to either improve the skills of our current squad by throwing cash at them or we'll need some new players" said Hall "and right now in my current state of employment the throwing cash at it is the favoured option". Hall said he was sure the team would train harder if they were all able to turn professional and work at it full time. "I'm noticing the benefits of being outside on a beautiful day already" said Hall "and I think with a bit of Elton's cash I could become quite accustomed to the lifestyle".

Exclusive: Warne At It Again

Shane Warne was caught at it again this evening and the "it" was dismissing English batsmen in the 2nd test of the Ashes series at Adelaide. Land Rovers "utility" Charlie Smith was in despair this evening as the Poms collapsed in the face of a spin bowling legend Warne. Smith just three days off returning to the United Kingdom for six weeks said the only redeeming feature was that he wasn't moving to Australia until late February, and could at least spend his misery with like minded company. "At times like this one needs to be with family as they know the hurt I am going through" said Smith "and I can only hope by the time I get to Oz that England will have made a remarkable turn around and won the series". Smith would not be drawn on how much he would be betting on that outcome but the odds were understood to be "highly attractive" down at the TAB.

White Magic

Ben White today single handedly rescued Land Rovers from a defeat to bottom placed Provoke Evolution. Land Rovers starting line dwindled to four players as three late withdrawals saw the team struggling for numbers. "We finally drafted in our first girl when John Cao's other half dropped by to watch the match" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but they'd already both played a game so fitness was always going to be a telling factor in this one". Rovers took a while to get the combination together and went promptly 3 - 0 down. The fight back didn't look likely until a goal just before half time gave Rovers a sniff. Early in the second half Rovers pulled one back but it looked all over when Promote Evolution scored again. "Then Ben put his foot down hard on the accelerator when everyone else was dead" said Hall "and he went forward and just took them to pieces with some great goals". One of the great escapes and should leave Rovers top of the table for another week.

Final Score: Rovers 7 Provoke Evolution 6

Pollock Perturbed

Land Rovers Supporters Club President Liz Pollock today confessed to being perturbed at hearing the result this weekend from her other great love Tottenham Hotspurs. Spurs took on arch rivals Arsenal at the Emirates stadium in front of 60,115 people and were soundly thrashed by a rampant Arsenal side. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he had tried to get on the phone to console Pollock but she was understood not to be taking calls. "I know this is a blow to Liz and but as we no longer work at the same office" said Hall "I won't be able to offer her those few words on encouragement tomorrow that she'd normally expect". Fortunately it was expected that Charlie Smith would fill the void as his own Pompey team managed a draw.

Land Rovers play again tomorrow in Shed 6 and hope to stay on the winning trail.

Rossiter Rules Out Rovers Restructure

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter today confirmed that there were no immediate plans for Land Rovers to restructure in the wake of the Chairman and Manager ending their association Land Information New Zealand. "The majority of the players remain in LINZ employment and current sponsorship deals will probably see that LINZ connection remain until the end of the season". Rossiter said there certainly was interest from other sectors and it might well be that further down the track that Rovers would move away from the Land brand. "Let's face it, we're not above becoming Toyota Rovers if the money is right" said Rossiter. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall agreed with Rossiter "Why mess with success at this point" said Hall "when a restructure will almost inevitably create more issues than it resolves".

Hall Winds Up Day Job

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall today dispensed with the hassle of working during the day when he finished his twenty-two year career as a Public Servant. "As a full time football manager I'll have the chance to review all the tapes of the weekend Premier League, Spanish League and A League games, and work on strategies to get Charlie to play like Ronaldiniho" said Hall "so you can see it will be an immense challenge". Hall said he's had a good run with his current day job but a third restructure in three years finally got him. "There's a thirst these days for bringing in new people" said Hall "and the concept of the learning organisation is to get new recruits or consultants to come in and spend six months to learn what your experienced people already knew". Hall said he'd had the pleasure of working with some excellent people and he could have few complaints about the opportunities he'd had over the last nine years with his current employer. "I got a bit emotional yesterday for around fifteen seconds" said Hall "but then I pulled myself together and realised that I've got to remain strong if Rovers are to win Division 7 again".

Hall also confirmed he would be staying on as the Communications Manager for Mark "The Beast" Fatu, who potentially has a promising future in the film and television industry. Hall said the latest idea for a science fiction series Battlestar Spud might just be the breakthrough concept that the market was looking for. "I believe The Beast is going places with some of these ideas he is coming up with" said Hall "and I think it is a matter of time before he hits the jackpot and makes squillions".