Fernandes "Sydney Was A Hard Market To Crack"

Land Rovers Marketing Manager Heather Fernades returned from Sydney last night saying that Sydney was a hard market to crack. "I worked hard over there and had up to five lunches a day to push the product" said Fernenades "but they're a bit slow on the uptake so I think I'll need to go back about five times to really see the dividends come through". Land Rovers Manager wasn't too worried about Sydney saying things were looking up in the Canberra market "It's a Government town so they're bound relate better to the Rovers brand" said Hall "I mean Sydney was almost as bad as Auckland although the taxi drivers were only half crazy over there". Rovers are looking to sell a container load of old sweaty socks via a Nigerian agent and were now pinning their hopes on finding someone on the internet who was a few bricks short of a picnic.

Hall "What The Hell Is Wrong With The World?"

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said tonight from a harbourside restaurant in Sydney that having Portsmouth second in the English Premier League was disturbing enough, but Aston Villa are currently third. "I picked Villa to be a bottom half team and I'm sticking to that, but these early results are worrying and might be an early sign that my predictive powers are waning" said Hall. Hall said if this kept up he'd have to reconsider whether the kick and rush style of Portsmouth and Villa would be worth adopting to the indoor game. "Let's face it, Charlie plays in the Portsmouth style already and he even managed to score a goal once, so there might be something in it" said Hall. Hall said at least Manchester United were winning the league, so some good had come out of the early rounds.

Hall was winding up his Sydney visit and said the main things he'd learnt was that football management was only partly about vision, but more importantly about goals. "Obviously you have to have the vision to score a goal" said Hall "but unless you put it in the back of the net then you will be a fat lot of use". Hall said new age management theory talked a lot about Big Hairy Audacious Goals, but frankly he'd be happy if Rovers goals came from a short bald guy from two inches out, providing the goal counted. "Some of this modern management speak is a bit over the top" said Hall "let's face it it all comes down to who scores the most at the end of the day".

Rovers Don't Have A Brass Razoo

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this morning from his swanky dockside apartment in Sydney that suggestions that anyone from the Land Rovers club is involved in corruption are ludicrous. Hall in Sydney to look at Indoor Football Management techniques for the new age said the club didn’t have enough money to buy team shorts, so was hardly likely to be able to afford the kind of cash needed to bribe officials in New South Wales. “We’ve taken a moral stand on bribing officials because we don’t generate enough cash to bribe my mum, never mind a Sydney politician”. Hall said the pursuit of a replacement for Chris Riddle hadn’t gone well and he would almost certainly come home empty handed. “I’ve looked at some players over here but typically they’re looking at transfer fee of at least a brass razoo, and unfortunately that’s out of our league”. Hall said he would return to New Zealand later in the week after the cocktails ran out.

Corrupt File

Previously secret plans for Land Rovers to enter the Sydney Indoor Football league were unexpectedly revealed this afternoon when Land Rovers Director of Football Nikki File (pictured) was declined permission to leave New Zealand for Sydney after suggestions that she had electronically tampered with the New South Wales Football pools. "I completely deny these allegations" said File "I don't even know what football pools are". Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter said the allegations were nonsense and the idea that Rovers were going to suddenly leap out of Division 7 in Wellington into the Sydney football league were the "fantasies of some media drongo". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall could not be located at his Sydney hideaway for comment.

Fernandes Fires Up Sydney

A recent upsurge in interest from Australia has been demonstrated by an increased number of visitors from Canberra to the Land Rovers website. "We didn't want to send anyone to Canberra for obvious reasons, so we've rushed Heather to Sydney instead" said Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter. Land Rovers manager Steve Hall himself in Sydney at the moment, said the web site had recently been visited by people from Haifa and Canberra, the two places on earth no one would want to be.

Fernandes said she was looking to up the market interest in Land Rovers, but it was hard going as Australians tended to be slow on the uptake. Dean Rossiter said that Fernandes had better be careful how she phrased her reports given he had leanings towards being Australian himself. Fernandes had no current plans to spend time in Haifa, and wanted to keep it that way so would fudge her reports to Rossiter to keep him happy. Fernandes was out on the town this evening purchasing bling.

No Riddle Here

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall took in a game of indoor football played outdoors at The Rocks this afternoon. "Some of them looked decent enough players" said Hall "the only problem was they were all Australian". Hall said he didn't see and replacements for Chris Riddle who is leaving Rovers at the end of next week. "They all looked more like potential replacements for Charlie" said Hall "there were no players at all of the qualities of Riddle". Hall then went off t0 Paddy's Market to see if he could pick up a Hussey. "I thought I might find the odd mercurial Irish winger down there or even another Eddie Hussey, but there a wasn't an Irishman in sight". Hall said he would continue to scour the city for talent and was taking in a game of Lacrosse when last sighted.

Hall "I've had a hell of a day"

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he's had a really tough day in Sydney and is now completely knackered. "I climbed the Sydney harbour bridge and walked about five hundred miles" said Hall "I thought I must be joining the SAS there for a while". Hall said all that would have been bearable had his hotel had a sport channel "It's all free to air television, and you simply can't believe how bad free to air TV is here" said Hall "they've got a programme on about New Zealand and they seem to think it is funny to show a guy riding a sheep". Hall said coming back and facing the bleating New Zealand media was starting to look like an attractive option.

Hall Escapes To Sydney

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall today took off for a week in Sydney after his controversial comments about shaving bits for charity. "When the going gets tough the tough go overseas" said Hall. Land Rovers don't have a game now for over a week and bef0re taking on last seasons champions AMP. "We're above them in the table at the moment" said Hall from his Sydney base "but we know what they're capable of when they put their mind to it". Hall said he wouldn't be having holiday whilst in Sydney "I'll be taking a look at best practice in football management and of course I may find time to talk to some of the local talent to see if I can sign up some new Rovers". Hall said overseas travel could be tough work and "not all some people crack it up to be".

The Hairless Fight Back

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this morning that a previously unknown group Bald Men Against Charity Hair Removal had backed his stand against the recent shaving for charity craze. ''It's heartening to see that not everyone is willing to put up with this shameless exploitation of men for what they allege is a good casue''. A spokesmen for the Bald Men group Mr Chris Riddle (pictured) spoke exclusively to anyone who'd talk to him ''I don't think these people understand the hurt that hair loss can cause ''said Riddle ''I was devasted to lose my long blonde mullett last week. Charity organiser Harriet Porter could not be contacted but was believed to be playing Quidditch on her country estate.

Lone Ranger in Rovers Win

A much needed Rovers win against TFT United saw Land Rovers lift themselves into the top four. "Not a bad result with six regulars absent" said acting Manager Eddie Hussey "and we had two new players making their debut". Hussey said that Rovers Manager Steve Hall had selected the team and the replacement striker had done rather well with some tricky footwork and a number of goals. "Who was that masked man?" said Hussey "I gather he was the secret weapon that Hall was talking about before he went into hiding". Chris Riddle managed to stay on the field without being sent off but found time to have the odd verbal exchange with the opposition. Hall was still lying low after the "charity scandal" but was understood to be pleased that Rovers were back on track in what is proving to be a tough campaign.

Final Score: Land Rovers 9 TFT United 3

Match Day - Hall Lying Low

Land Rovers manager Steve Hall was this morning avoiding the media after his comments about a charity fund raising event blew up into an international incident. Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter said that Hall was being sent on a "Procedure Writing Course" to help him sort out his head, and may well leave the country for a few days to allow the heat to die down. Rossiter said the club fully supported the fund raising initiative by Harriet Porter (no relation to Harry Potter) and he himself had offered to remove some of his hair for charity. "I'm not quite sure why they turned me down" said Rossiter "maybe it was discrimination because I have the odd grey hair". Rovers kick off at 2.30 against TFT United.

Hall Offends Lost Leper Colony

The Lost Lepers of Lithuania this afternoon (NZ time) heaped condemnation on Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall, suggesting he and his team had better not consider a tour of the country. "I didn't expect the Lithuanian Inquisition" said Hall "I don't even know where Lithuania is and there is no danger of me going there". Hall was roundly criticised today by various charity groups including the Hairless Men for a Better World Society who only last week raised $7.35 towards World Peace.

"I've got to focus on winning the game tomorrow" said Hall "we've got six regulars out and we're up against it for the match against TFT United at the Shed of Dreams". Eddie Hussey has stepped up as playing captain for the day but may have to play in goal due to his various injuries. Hall said he had a secret weapon that he wasn't prepared to reveal to the press just yet, but could tilt the game Rovers way.

Hall Slammed

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was today slammed by charities for his callous attitude to raising cash for the needy. Margaret Barrett-Smythe from the Society for the protection of the Tasmanian Devil said that Hall's attitude undemined the fabric of society. "Heaven knows he'll be expecting the rich to look after the poor next, the man is dangerous" said Barrett-Smythe. Hall was unrepentant saying that if people wanted to shave their legs to raise five or ten bucks then good luck to them. Hall refused to be drawn into comment on whether the Tasmanian Devil reminded him of any of the Rovers players.

Hall "Stuff Charity"

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) was approached today to assist in joining his colleagues in shaving off hair for charity. "You've got to be flippin' joking" said Hall "I've lost enough hair as it is without deliberately inflicting a Chris Riddle haircut on myself". The "hairbrained" scheme proportedly aims to raise cash for an unspecified cause by getting nominated volunteers (suckers) to remove various amounts of body hair. "Let's face it if Slick Ultra was prepared to do a Chris Riddle then we might be able to raise a few bucks, but does anyone really want to pay for George Nash to shave his legs, I think not". Hall said the way things were going the charity would lose money from the venture.

Smith "Philisophical" at Pompey Losing Top Spot

Charlie Smith was today "philisophical" that Portsmouth had been knocked of their top position in the Premier league by the usual suspects Chelsea and Manyoo. "I wouldn't say I'm exactly filthy on it" said Smith "I always look like this on a Monday morning". Smith said it wasn't where you were on day one that counted but where you were at the end. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall commented that Smith got a bit excitable at the start of the season so had been sent to Auckland for a few days to get it out of his system. "The lad can go and inflict himself on the Auckland chardonnay set for a few days and leave us in peace" said Hall "I'm sure he'll get a good reception up there in jafaland".

Hall said he was quietly pleased with Port Vale's start to the season with four wins from four games, to sit top of Division 1.

Petersen "We're Just Good Friends"

"We're just good friends" said Jordan Peterson when asked who the person was he was snapped at Dockside with on Friday evening "we used to share lipstick and that sort of thing when I lived in Napier". Petersen said he had a good night out with the boys, caused a more than a few sideways glances with his in depth knowledge of cosmetics and hand bags. "I'n not sure what is going on there" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but I could swear I caught young Jordan giving the odd admiring glance at earings and necklaces and that sort of stuff". Hall said he would get Charlie Smith to talk to young Jordan at rugby practice and "toughen him up".

In other news, Charles Smith declared a national day of celebration as Pompey went top of the premier league with a 3 - 0 drubbing of that lesser known Rovers outfit Blackburn. "I know Blackburn got a bit of publicity when Ryan Nelson went there, but they're hardly as famous as Land Rovers, a name known all over the world" said Hall "and frankly if Pompey beat you three - nil then it could be a long season indeed". Smith could not be contacted although reports of sky rockets going off continually near his home are still being investigated.

International Ban for Riddle

Chris Riddle was today banned from International air travel after authorites became concerned that the compounds on his scalp could be used by terrorists to blow up a plane. "This is a serious threat to aviation security" said a security official "if we let Chris on a plane then someone would just have to light a match in his vicintiy and who knows what could happen". Riddle was appealing the decision and said it was something of a shock as he'd only learnt this morning that he'd lost his hair. "Some security dude came up to me in the Mini-Bar and said I wasn't going anywhere with a head like that" said Riddle.

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this sounded like another prank by Jordan Petersen, who was telling anyone who would listen that Riddle was out celebrating his sixtieth birthday. "It's only his legs that are sixty" said Hall "his head doesn't look a day over 55". Petersen is currently looking for a number of lost possessions including his cell phone, and asked people to contact him if they had information that would lead to th e return of the property.

Riddle Trys New Hair Gel

Chris Riddle recently tried a new hair gel as he felt his long blonde hair was lacking a little lustre. "I applied the product liberally as instructed and 24 hours later it certainly seems to have had a significant impact. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said none of the team had yet got round to telling Chris that his hair had fallen out. "He's a sensitive chap for a Southampton supporter, and a few of the boys thought they'd tell him later after he'd had about fifty beers" said Hall. Riddle and George Nash were planning to have a few quiets this evening which should wind up somewhere around 6 am. "They're getting people to remove their hair for charity this week" said Hall "and I'm sure Chris will be pleased to learn he's raised a few bucks, albiet unintentionally".

On Top Of The World

After the misery of the World Cup Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall had double reason to celebrate this evening after England beat the Greeks 4 - 0 whilst Port Vale stood atop of Division 1 after three games. "It's been a long hard winter with little joy" said Hall "but things seem to be turning the corner now so we can only hope Rovers pull finger and climb up the table". Hall is one of six regulars unavailable next week which will see the return of several regular ring-ins like Twinkle Toes Natelli. "Charles Smith tells me he tried to tackle Alex at Rugby practice and he missed him by two field lengths" said Hall "so we'll be looking for Alex to show some form on the indoor football field".

Valiants supporter Robbie Williams could not be contacted to comment but was understood to not be considering pumping money into the Land Rovers coffers.

Petersen "My Speedo Love Affair"

Jordan Petersen announced tonight that he felt discriminated against for not being able to wear speedo's at work and whilst playing for Land Rovers. "I think they would really go well with our green shirts" said Peterson "and they would certainly be eye catching". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said what Petersen did in his own time was his own business, but it was "extremely unlikely" that Rovers would adopt speedo's as the official uniform. "I'm not sure how the lad comes up with these ideas" said Hall "but he's only young so I guess he is under the misapprehension that wearing speedo's is cool ' Hall went on to say that Charlie Smith admits to wearing speedo's "but only when he is out of the country".

Edwards Strongly Denies Nodding Off

Lance Edwards last evening issued a formal statement denying categorically that he was sleeping on the job. "I protest in the strongest possible terms that I was fatigued and fell asleep on the throne" said Edwards "in fact I was running security checks to ensure that hidden cameras were not filming inside the cubicles". Hall said he apologised profusely once Edwards' lawyers contacted him and said they sue his a**e into next week. "Yes I fully understand now that Lance was running security checks, and furthermore I fully understand that it is important to run these security checks in the dark ".

Hall said Rovers would now like the whole matter to go away as it was draining team morale. "We're not a team that is flush with cash" said Hall "and we don't want to get bogged down with this story"

Hall Says Over-Training A Concern

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this morning that over-training by the rugby team was a major factor in Rovers shock loss yesterday to ATFC. Three Rovers players were under a punishing training regime playing for the rugby team. "Lance tells me that he is doing SAS style circuit training at the gym and running up and down steep hills" said Hall "so it is small wonder he is falling asleep on the karsey". Hall said the rugby team members all looked a bit tired on defence yesterday and he'd be talking to rugby officials about pulling back on the training demands. "I think the boys need to freshen up" said Hall.

Hall Eats Humble Pie

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall this afternoon ordered a container load of Humble Pie as Land Rovers were upset 8-7 in a Division 7 fixture at the Shed of Dreams. The game got off to an inauspicious start when Hall fell over the ball and landed on his side, causing momentary paralysis as the rest of the team laughed uncontrollably. Hall then set about dismantling the ATFC defence and Rovers were soon up 3 – 1 after conceding an early goal. ATFC then pulled back two before Rovers hit form and scored the next four goals to be leading 7 – 4 with three minutes left on the clock. “We looked home and hosed so I pulled myself back to help defend as we were looking a bit ragged” said Hall “ but unfortunately after that we didn’t score again and they knocked in four, which says a lot about the quality of my defending.”. Hall said with hindsight he should have stayed up front as he would likely have scored another couple on the break and secured the win. “We all have to learn hard lessons in life” said Hall “and it just shows you have to play it out right to the end to get the points”.

Final Score: Land Rovers 7 ATFC 8

ATFC Claim "International Commitments"

Attempt_Terminate Football Club were this morning attempting to terminate their game with Land Rovers due to lack of playing personnel. “We sent our full back and goalkeeper to Dubai on a job, and our striker is in France” said ATFC Manager Jason Pollock “and I just heard the midfield is locked in an all night session of World Of Warcraft that has spilled over into the day”. Pollock said he was currently running his server rack out of his lounge and had "other things on his mind". ATFC could become the first indoor team to cry off due to international fixture congestion. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was incredulous “These guys can apparently run an international operation but can’t organise five guys to turn up for indoor soccer”. Hall said he would loan players to ATFC provided they forfeit the points before kick off, otherwise Rovers would play however many ATFC "jetsetters" turned up.

Edwards Says Stink Behind Him

Lance Edwards today confirmed he was recovering well from his traumatic captivity last week and said the big stink caused by his captivity in a blacked out toilet is now last weeks news. "Obviously I was traumatised by the Black Out incident and I might be psychologically frail, especially around dark places" said Edwards "but I'm not expecting the lights to go out at Shed 1". Edwards plans to relaunch his football career tomorrow against ATFC.

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall felt Edwards would need to show greater mental toughness if he was to return to form against ATFC. "Lance has been spending a lot of time with the rugby team, so it is entirely understandable how he is getting this phobia of dark smelly places" said Hall "frankly I wouldn't put my head where some of those guys do in rugby, and Smith is in front of him in the scrum so enough said ".

Pollock Out To Lunch

Liz Pollock confirmed this morning that she would be avoiding a potential conflict of interest when Land Rovers play ATFC tomorrow by going to lunch with a friend. "I'm a committed Rovers fan and there is no truth at all to the rumour that my husband asked me to resign as Rovers Fan Club president because he plays for ATFC". Pollock said it was a genuine mix up of dates that saw her at lunch for the 2 pm fixture at the Shed of Dreams. "It's a funny time to have lunch" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but I accept that Liz is looking forward like the rest of us to Rovers giving ATFC a lesson in the finer points of the game, not to mention the coarser points as well".

Fatu "I'm Rovers Poster Boy"

Mark "The Beast" Fatu issued a terse public statement through his media agent saying that he was deeply concerned that Jordan Petersen was moving into his territory as Land Rovers Poster Boy. "Jordan is a Johnny-come-lately and I've been the established face of Rovers marketing up until now” said Fatu “and I’m concerned that whilst I haven’t seen any revenue from my position yet, Pederson is cutting into my potential revenue stream”. Fatu told friends (who leaked it to the media) that he was intending to launch a new celebrity gossip show and had a concept to pitch to Television New Zealand. “The show was going to be called At Home With The Beast, and the idea was I would turn up uninvited at the homes of celebrities and stick a camera in their face and ask them insightful questions”. Fatu who had earlier ruled out a pro-wrestling career said that he hoped his indoor football career would be a springboard to celebrity and fame.

ATFC Running Scared for Monday

ATFC have been put on warning that defaulting another game this week is not acceptable to Land Rovers. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said ATFC was a bedraggled bunch of marathon runners and ice hockey players who lacked experience in the ultra competitive big league atmosphere that is Division 7 of Wellington Indoor Football. "I don't think they're up to the rough and tumble of Division 7 and they'll be running for cover" said Hall "I imagine they'll try to default to avoid the game". Rovers have Hussey in doubt and Riddle absent, but should have six or seven players still available. "We've already had a chat with Alex Natelli about playing for ATFC, so they have no excuse for not fronting up" said Hall.

Airhead Jordan Range Launched

Land Rovers Marketing Manager Heather Fernandes announced this afternoon that Rovers were to launch a clothing range outside their usual sports range. “We wanted to freshen the brand, diversify our range and bring some vitality and edge to it” said Fernandes “it lacked freshness focusing on sweaty sporting gear and we wanted to aim for the youth casual clothing market”. Fortunately along came Jordan Petersen, part of the Land Rovers Youth Development squad who agreed at short notice to model the new clothing. “I’m a bit of a young lad around town” said Petersen “but the thought of having my own "Airhead" Jordan range meant I’d have an additional edge with the young upwardly mobile nubile blonde set”. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he hoped this wouldn’t be the beginning of the slide for Petersen as previously experienced by George Best “There’s plenty of time for chasing women after he’s too old to play footy, I think he should buckle down for the next forty years and focus on improving his ball skills” proclaimed Hall.

Smith Contemplates Pompey's Chances

Charlie Smith spent the whole day today contemplating the new Premier League season as he fantasised about Portsmouth winning the league by ten points from Aston Villa. "I know Martin O'Neill is confident about Villa's chances but I've done a careful analysis of the draw and I reckon Pompey will be in the box seat by Boxing Day" said Smith " and this correlates with my reading of my astrology column this week so I'm pretty sure it is accurate". Rovers Manger Steve Hall was less confident of how well Pompey would do "Look if Pompey finish first we'll get Mark the Beast Fatu to run naked down Lambton Quay, this is like Charlies prediction that Engalnd would win the World Cup". Smith said he'd contemplate further tomorrow.

Edwards: "My Black Out Nightmare"

A search and rescue mission was today organised when Lance Edwards was unfortunately trapped in the toilet for several hours. “Someone thought it was a good idea to install a new energy saving system that turns the lights out after a period of inactivity” said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall “unfortunately Lance was inactive for an extended period and was plunged into darkness”. Edwards was unable to extricate himself from the situation in the pitch black (pictured), so had to sit it out for several hours until rescue teams arrived. “It was pretty tough going in there” said Edwards “there were moments of desperation when I thought I wasn’t going to pull through, but I knew that if I sat tight I would eventually be rescued”. Edwards was a relieved man when finally pulled out of his stall and had clearly lost weight during the experience. “He was looking like he’d had the crap beaten out of him but otherwise he was ok” said Hall. Power savings during the ordeal were estimated to be four cents.

Smith Gets Soul, Pompey Gets Sol

Charlie Smith today he was elated that Sol Campbell had signed for Pompey. "This is the beginning of our world domination" said Smith "and with Lualua staying as well I think you'll find us in the top three with Aston Villa and Chelsea". Sol Campbell who has been known to have the odd mental problem should fit in well at Pompey. "They used to call Wimbledon the crazy gang" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but it should be quite a sight seeing Lualua doing his flips whilst Sol Campbell does his crazy man impressions". Smith has already booked his ticket for a Pompey home game against Spurs on his visit to Pompeyland over Christmas.

Hussey No Hustler

Eddie Hussie confirmed tonight that reports that he was a shady Irish Hustler were all a huge misunderstanding. Hussie confirmed he had not in fact received any offers from Hollywood to appear in a remake of the The Sting. "I like a flutter like the next man" said Hussey "but seriously this stereotype that the Irish are somehow always involved in the shady dealings is almost totally unfounded". Hussey said there was nothing wrong with a game or two of Black Jack or Poker, providing the stakes were high enough and he had a look at the cards an hour before the game.

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said gambling was not allowed on the team bus "We don't have a bus" said Hall "we don't even have a bike". Rovers have been cleared of any wrong-doing previously in relatiion to corruption allegations and Hall said he was disgusted that the media was trying to drag the clubs good name through the mud again. "We don't even have mud in indoor football, but frankly if we did we'd be heartily sick of being dragged through it" said Hall.

Escott: I'm 100% behind Marton O'Neill

Land Rovers Sponsor Sue Escott said this morning that she agreed wholeheartedly with Martin O'Neill's recent comments that Aston Villa would be a top team again. O'Neill said Villa would be up there with the very best and he is determined to achieve that goal after beginning a one-year rolling contract. "I have every confidence in Martin O'Neill" said Escott a Villa fanatic "and I think Chelsea must be quaking in their boots at the prospect of a title challenge from Villa this season".

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said you couldn't rule out a Villa revival "Who knows what the future might bring, in a hundred years time a Russian Billionaire might pump money into Villa and they could finish in the top half of the table" said Hall "and Port Vale could be European Champions". Hall said Villa's bid for World Domination had got off to a slow start with a 0-0 draw with Hanover.

Ultra Confused

Former Rovers keeper Slick Ultra today confirmed he had recently had an all expenses paid evening at the Duxton Hotel. Ultra confirmed that he'd had a call from an old acquintance asking if he wanted a night out drinking a soon to be released beer. "I turned up an spent a pleasant evening drinking beer and eating bluff oysters" said Ultra "and then they asked me if I'd like to stay at the Duxton for the night". Ultra instead took the free taxi home to Upper Volta aka Silverstream "I have no idea why they picked me" said Ultra "I'm confused"

"It's a clear case of mistaken identity" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "they thought Slick was Ronnie Wood, it happens all the time". Ultra has not been lured out of retirement after he retired with a sore finger in his debut match.

Knights Searching For Another Keeper - Smith Says Pick Me

The Knights soccer squad might include three goalkeepers, but they find themselves without a keeper for this weekend's pre-season match in Adelaide. Danny Milosevic (pictured), Michael Turnbull, and new signee Mark Paston are all unavailable. Knights Manager Paul Nevin has been left to trawl through his contact book because Turnbull is injured, Milosevic's wife is expecting a baby and Paston is with the All Whites in the UK.

Land Rovers Goalkeeping sensation Charlie "Cleansheet" Smith has offered to step in for the match "Paul hasn't talked to me yet but I reckon I'm in peak form and could do the business" said Smith "it's amazing what the rugby training has done for my general fitness". Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Smith was welcome to go "We're always willing to help out at a national level, we've had more wins this season than the Knights have had ever, so Charlie should fit in nicely".

Charlie "Buffon" Smith has Clean Sheet

Land Rovers today took on Intergen Net at the Shed Of Dreams. This was to be a contest with the team with the best attack and worst defence in the league in Rovers, and the team with the best defence and worst attack in Intergen Nets. The first ten minutes of the match saw no socre as Rovers attacked but could not find a way through the tight Intergen defence. Rovers though also looked solid at the back and Intergen could only resort to long distance shots which didn't trouble keeper Smith. Finally a break through as Hall ripped one just inside the post and Rovers eventually went in at half time 2 - 0 up. Another Hall goal just after half time saw the end of any real threat from Intergen who never looked like scoring three, but now Rovers were looking to maintain a clean sheet.

A good second half defensive effort and the sprightly Smith was everywhere in goal. Rovers hit another three unanswered goals and saw off Intergen by 6 goals to nil. It was a good all round effort by Rovers and Smith was man of the match for his stirling efforts at keeping Intergen at bay. Riddle lasted a whole game but looks to be out for a while now after aggravating his dodgey leg yet again. Smith was ecstatic about his man of the match performance "I was thinking out there was I more a Buffon or a Buffhead, and I decided that today I was definitely a Buffon". Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he hadn't seen Smith so excited since he scored many moons ago "I'm chuffed for the lad, but looks like he has found his natural calling in goal".

Final Score Land Rovers 6 Intergen Nets 0 (NIL)

Injury Crisis - Peg Leg To The Rescue

Eddie Hussey announced this afternoon that he was injured and that the Doctor had said he'd would be out for four weeks. "I'll be back in two" said Hussey "and this isn't going to turn into one of those Chris Riddle injuries where I can't shoot, can't kick with my right foot and can't remember who I am". Rovers Manager Steve Hall was concerned to lose his star player at a time when Rovers desperately need competition points. "It's a blow for sure, but also an opportunity to try some different combinations" said Hall "and if we can certainly get past Intergen Net tomorrow if we don't let this get to us". Hall said injuries were a fact of life at this level "Let's face it, Chris Riddle has to take steroids just to get out of bed in the morning, and an artificial peg-leg might actually be an improvement on the one he stands on".