Rossiter Comes Out Swinging

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter today said the club had become embroiled in an argument over intellectual property rights with the Hurricanes, over the use of stories involving hand bags. “As can be clearly seen from our web site, Rovers came up with the story about swinging a handbag a good two days before the Hurricanes” said Rossiter “so we think the Hurricanes stole the idea from us and should be looking to compensate us with loads of cash”

Rovers manager Hall said his Mum was gutted by the whole experience. “She’s off to Portsmouth on Saturday and was looking to be signed as a bag swinging striker for Pompey” said Hall “and along comes Tana Umaga and steals the idea and uses it in the Jolly Poacher”. Hall said that Umaga had undermined the chances of his Mum signing for Portsmouth by hitting his own player. “The handbag was originally envisaged as an offensive weapon against the opposition defence” said Hall “but this hitting your own player stuff brings the art into disrepute”. Hall said that his Mum might still be signed by Pompey, but it was now looking like her Premier League career would be cut short before it had even started.

Ball Security A Concern

Lance Edwards today declared hinself unavailable for the semi-final next Wednesday against Infinity. "That's not good news as Lance was in charge of ball security" said Hall "and I suspect we'll have to pack a couple of extra handbags in case any maurauding rugby players are lurking around the Shed of Dreams". Hall was confident that at least two of the supporters club would make the game and it was understood they were already learning the football chants". Hall said he was quietly unconfident after two previous losses to Infinity. "I'm only looking one match ahead and it's all be about how we perform on the day" said Hall "it'll be a game of two halves I expect".

Pollock Pants Prisoner

Rovers Supporters Club President Liz Pollock was today imprisoned in her own pants when a zipper broke leaving her unable to extract herself from her own clothing. "It was one of those bizarre accidents that we would rather not have had spread all over the internet by the media" said Hall "as we know Liz was keen to keep it quiet" Hall advised that all the team were concerned that Pollock may have had a call of nature at any moment so she was immediately sent home to look for some bolt cutters. "We're grateful it wasn't Charlie caught in his shorts" said Hall "it might have been quite delicate extracting him".

Mum Keeping Mum

The mother of Rovers manager Steve Hall was not commenting today on whether or not she was in the Jolly Poacher pub in Christchurch yesterday. "This is a press beat up and Rovers had nothing to do with incident involving the Hurricanes" said Hall "and I understand in any event the hand bag was a little black Roxy bag belonging to a 22 year old, and I can vouch my mum is no spring chicken". Hall said fog was not likely to be an issue in the Rovers semi-finall next week "We've obviously talked about playing in fog but at an indoor venue it is unlikely to be an issue" said Hall "however if need be I guess we could bring some smoke to impair visibility on the field". Rovers chariman Dean Rossiter confirmed the Rovers club did not endorse smoke bombs even if Rovers did go three or four goals behind.

England World Cup Riddle

After England's performance this morning against ten man Belarus, injured Rovers star Chris Riddle has offered to come out of international retirement to play in Germany. "I know the New Zealand Government has a travel advisory out recommending against travelling to Germany" said Riddle "but frankly I could do a better job than the England strike force hobbling on one leg".

Rovers Manager Steve Hall supported Riddle "I know the lad is injured and can barely walk, but I think Chris would offer England another dimension". Hall went on to say that his mother was on the plane to of all places Portsmouth next weekend "I know Pompey are looking at my mum for next season, and she's pretty handy with her handbag if Sven wants to add a bit of punch to the England attack".

Smith Reshuffled

Rovers Manager Steve Hall announced this morning that Charlies Smith would not be starting in goal in the upcoming rematch semi-final against Infinity. "The lad says he was bored playing there, which probably accounts for how they got eight goals in the last game" reported Hall "so I think we'll have to consider where Charlies will be of best use to the team". Hall denied rumours on the internet that Smith was being dropped so that he could undertake a behavioural modifcation programme aimed at developing greater empathy for referees. "We don't want to curb his natural enthusiasm for the game" said Hall "although perhaps he could leave it out when it comes to giving referees advice on the rules". Smith was unavailable for comment.

Rovers Routed

Land Rovers were today taken to the cleaners by Infinity in an end of round match at the Shed of Horror Stories. "We kept pace with them for much of the first half and at half time it was 4 -3" said Rovers manager Hall "but we fell away in the second half and didn't pose a consistent threat to them as the game wore on". Chris Riddle pulled up lame for the second time against Infinity and the game started to slip away after Infinity got some soft goals to pull several goals ahead.

"It was all fizzling away to a quiet loss when Eddie was judged to have fouled an opposition player" said Hall "then we found out about some obscure rule we'd previously not heard about that five free kicks equals a penalty". Charles Smith forcibly expressed his view to the referee that it wasn't a free kick and the argument continued after the match. "I was a bit worried Charlie was going to get a ban from the competition so we used a couple of claw hammers to get him off the referees face" said Hall ".

Hall may have to consider a new approach for the rematch against Infinity in the semi-final "Looks like fouling our way to success is now ruled out by this new rule, so we might even have to resort to playing football next time". Hall ruled out bringing in a ring-in to blow Infinity off the planet "We're going to stick with the team that got us here" said Hall "but if a flu epidemic hits the squad the day before the semi-final then I know some lads who might be useful to our championship aspirations".

Final Score: Land Rovers 4 Infinity 8

1, 2, 3 . . . Infinity

Rovers Manager Steve Hall was quietly confident this evening that his side would acquit themselves well in their fixture tomorrow against Infinity. "We might not show our full hand until the semi-final" said Hall "as we don't want to give too much away at this stage". Hall said that Rovers would take one game at a time unless they decide to take it two games at a time in which case they'll be ahead of themselves. Hall said Infinity would be hurting after their surprise loss to Ten Left Feet last week. "Obviously we've analysed the tapes and we think that if we play only with our left feet then Infinity will struggle". Hall however has ruled out asking the team to hop on their right leg during the match "We're not f#*#*ng crazy" exclaimed Hall.

Pollock Says Referee Wrong

Rovers supporters club president Liz Pollock said this afternoon that the referee for the Champions League final was wrong to apologise for blowing his whistle too soon and sending Jans Lehmann off. "Not that I've got anything against those scumbags Arsenal" snarled Pollock "but the referee should have sent him off, allowed the Barcelona goal and then sent off another Arsenal player for good measure". Pollock is still recovering from Spurs missing out on the Champions League spot after supposedly suffering from food poisoning before the vital match. "My body went out in sympathy with the Spurs team, I've felt like crap ever since".

Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was always concerned when London clubs didn't perform well "Yeah I was really cut up about that" said Hall " just like when Chelsea went out- I'll celebrated for a week- oh I mean commiserated" Rovers look forward to a rematch this week with the only team to beat them this season Infinity. "We're likely to play them in the semi-final a week later so we'll be looking to kick some butt" said Hall "I've got Smith out running shuttles as we speak".

Smith Almost Run Down By Kenny Dalglish

In another one of Charlies Smiths legendary lunch time rants about his colourful life, he today admitted he had once almost been run over by Kenny Dalglish's Jaguar car. "When I become road kill it won't be at the hands of some obscure footballer from the lower divisions" said Smith "I intend to be the victim of a top class striker". Player agent George Nash disputed that former Celtic player was a top class striker "Dalglish was crap, he dinnie play for Rangers".

In other news, Liz Pollock passed on her thoughts about Arsenal losing the Champions League final. "I feel their pain" said Pollock "but the referee had an outstanding game and I think he did a wonderful job of blowing his whistle quickly".

Rovers Top Table

In a hard fought game this afternoon at the Shed of Delusions, Land Rovers held off a determined Intergen team to take out the game 6 - 4. "We got out to an early lead of 4 - 1 but they pegged us back to 5 - 4 going into the last few minutes" said caretaker manager Smith "then new boy Natelli hit them on the break and we were home". Rovers went top of the table for a couple of hours although Computer Says No have a three games remaining to Rovers one, so they're expected to top the table.

"We've got Infinity next week and we expect to play them in the semi-final as well" said Smith "so we're on target for a final against Computer Says No". Smith said the team had gained a bit of experience over the season and should be able to make the computer say yes when the time comes. "I did a great job today" said Smith "and if another club wants to come in for me with a big money offer then I guess I'll have to consider anything over a million". Interviewed by phone from his sick bed, ailing Rovers manager Steve Hall said he would review what he was paying Smith to play for Rovers, and he was likely to double or even treble his current playing fees if he'd "shut his cakehole'. Smith is currently on an undisclosed contract.

Rovers 6 Intergen 4

Smith Takes Helm

Charles Smith was today named captain for todays fixture against Intergen at Shed 1. Manager Steve Hall said "I've been sick for a few days and frankly I'm starting to suspect someone poisoned me, it's the fashionable way to get ill these days". Smith who only yesterday said he taught Steve Gerrard the finer points of shooting from long range, will get the chance to make his name as he leads the squad into the match. "Infinity were beaten on Monday so we can go top with a win today" said Hall "so let's hope the lads don't miss my incisive leadership, silky touches and charisma".

Smith said "I was looking for the opportunity to step up to captain, but I deny all knowledge of spiking Steve's drink or poisoning his sandwiches". Smith said he thought he would bring some new and innovative touches to the squad, and would put new signing Alex Natelli through his paces. "If anything goes wrong I'll be blaming the new boy" quipped Smith "but with Chris Riddle back I have always got a choice of scapegoats".

Wiseguy Signs For Rovers

Alex Natelli will make his debut for Rovers tomorrow after the current flu epidemic took a toll on the Rovers squad. Manager Hall has been out of action for several days and commented from his sick bed "I got delirious over the weekend, I had this dream that Stephen Gerrard scored a thirty metre equaliser in injury time in the cup final and went on to win a medal". Although a known Manchester United sympathiser, Hall said he'd rather have the cup on Merseyside than have some bunch of rough Londoners blowing bubbles in it for the next year.

As for Natelli signing for Rovers "I've been looking for a player with a vaguely Italian sounding name to add a bit of class to the team card. I mean to say the names Smith, Riddle, Hose, Fatu and Hussey are hardly classy names but Natelli brings that little bit of quality". Hall said he was now just looking for a player with a name ending in "ich" . "A Skratchmeich or Ivabigich would make us look a bit more continental" said Hall "but we'll settle for a Dummbich if we can get one"

Sven Final Bound

Sven-Goran Eriksson said today he hoped to see out his managerial contract by reaching the final. "I didn't even realise he'd joined our indoor league" said Rovers Manager Hall "and frankly if he thinks he can rescue Solnet from here then he hasn't seen them play". Hall himself had more modest ambitions "I want to see us acquit ourselves well in the remaining games" said Hall "and I think the whole team is expecting Mark Fatu to score soon". Fatu has been going through a lean patch but is focussing on his football at the moment "Yeah I focus on a football in my spare time, I find it relaxing" confirmed Fatu. Rovers play Intergen next Wednesday but have already qualified as a top three team with two round robin matches remaining.

Riddle "I Taught Young Theo Everything He Knows"

Southampton fanatic Chris Riddle said this afternoon that he taught Theo Walcott everything he knows. "I had this dream I was manager of The Saints and I had managed to avoid selling Theo to Arsenal" said Riddle "needless to say we then won the Champions League three years in a row beating Barcelona by ten - nil in the third final". Riddle went on to say he was given the freedom of the city before waking up and finding Southampton were still in the Championship. "I thought I was still in the dream when I heard Theo was in the England team, then I found out he'd moved to Arsenal so I knew it was the real world" said Riddle.

"Chris will be talking to the club psychologist" confirmed manager Hall "he's being getting persistent delusions that the Saints are a good team".

Smith Attracts Attention of Cameras

Charles Smith was the centre of attention at a gala dinner last night with guest speaker former All Black Eric Rush. "Charlie thought he'd sneaked in the back door of the Jimmy Cook when this camera crew appears from nowhere and pokes the camera in his mush. We all ducked for cover and left him to it" said Rovers manager Hall.

"You know I just have that natural charisma that attracts the press" claimed Smith "and I've been giving Mark Fatu a few pointers how to handle the admiring fans and media". Manager Hall said it was becoming a bit of a circus with Smith as he got the same treatment again today. "Charlie's is getting more publicity than Theo Walcott right now and that takes some doing".

In other news Liz Pollock was telling anyone who would listen that Spurs should get a rematch against West Ham. "I can't see the point" said Hall "they'll only go and lose a second time and it will compound their disappointment".

Argey Bargey

In a controversial match this afternoon at the Shed of Light - Captain courageous and Rovers Manager Steve Hall was sensationally sent to the sin bin in the third minute after he complained to the referee about a Solnet defender pushing him in the chest off the ball. "Two big ugly Solnet guys came and pushed me around so I gave the referee some frank advice about what he should do with them" said Hall "next thing you know me and one of the Gorillas are in the sin bin. It was like Ice Hockey without sticks".

Hall recovered his composure after a discussion on the rules with the Solnet defender in the sin bin, and came back on to score four in a 7 -1 rout. "We eased up on them in the second half after going five - nil up by half time, so that Charlie could have some practice in goal for the semi-finals". Smith was in acrobatic form in goal and his full length dives were a spectacle to behold. "I was in magnificent form today" chortled Smith "almost unbeatable until they fluked one in the last minute. Even then it was an own goal off Lance".

New signing Patrick "Viv Anderson" Grant debuted for the Rovers after star players Chris Riddle and Colin McIntosh were unavailable for the match. "Patrick was a fine addition to the defence and we'll take a look at the lad for the semi-finals if he's available" said Hall "I liked the look of him as soon as I found out he supported Port Vale". Rovers have gone through the first round with only one defeat and now face Intergen again in the next round. "It'll be an interesting test of how far we've come since the first round" said Hall " and we're secure in the top four now and get to play the team that beat us Infinity again in the last round ".

Final Score: Rovers 7 Solnet 1

Pollock Inconsolable

Rovers Supporters Club president was inconsolable this morning after the other love of her life (besides Rovers that is) Spurs dipped out on a Champions League place to Arsenal. "Although everyone else expected this to happen all season" said a concerned Steve Hall "it seems it came as a surprise to Liz". Hall though said that Rovers would be looking after its own and the club would be offering Pollock counselling this morning. "Charlie Smith knows all about last minute changes in fortune with Pompey, so I think the club will stump up with the price of a coffee this morning so that Charlie can take Liz out and tell her all about Pompey's great escape, should take her mind off things". Rovers play Solnet today in Shed 1 and are rumoured to be missing star player Chris Riddle.

Hall Says No To Heskey

Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed today that Emile Heskey would not be coming to Rovers after Heskey was dramatically placed on stand-by for the England soccer team. "We'd thought about putting a bid for Heskey as on his current form he'd fit in well at Rovers" said Hall "but obviously because he has scored five goals this season for relegated Birmingham, he's now suddenly in the frame to help England win the World Cup". Hall went on to say that Rovers were in any event focussed on developing local talent rather than buying in a big name from overseas. "All managers would like the money to buy a Crouch but on our budget we have to settle for a Hussey" bemoaned Hall.

Smith Goes Walkabout

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said that Charlie Smith has gone missing for several days after his on-going celebration of Pompey's amazing escape from relegation. He was last seen raving on about "the great escape" and then said he'd come down with the bloke flu. "Obviously I'm worried about the lad but we're relieved he doesn't have the chick flu" said Hall "and we're confident at this stage that he'll be able to play in goal against Solnet on Monday". Hall remained tight lipped about the exact line up of his team against Solnet but said he was prepared to do an exclusive deal if a womens magazine offered him $1.4 million dollars. "I can confirm I've been looking at Irene Van Dyke but we still have a small disparity between what we can offer her and what she is asking for" droned Hall.

Rovers Launch Winter Product Line

Land Rovers Marketting Manager Noirin Brady announced the launch of the new winter product line. "We're really excited about the new season bibs which we think combine innovative styling with a sleek sporting design" said Brady "we'll be looking to promote this product through our electronic delivery channels targetted at the young upwardly mobile sportsmen with bucket loads of excess cash". Brady said the line had generated considerable discussion amongst a test group of rugby forwards aged 18 -25. "They were stunned" said Brady "and we think that we will do well in the market segment from 50 - 80 IQ points".

Riddle Riddle

Rovers manager Steve Hall gave a firm "no comment" this morning over a leak to the media that he was resting star player Chris "Jimmy" Riddle for the local derby against Solnet on Monday. Hall was witnessed by a media hack yesterday talking to Patrick "Vierra" Grant, giving substance to reports that Riddle was being let go by the club. When contacted at his country estate Riddle brushed aside reporters with "talk to my agent". Player agent George Nash was clearly not amused when contacted by the media and said "Unumptiejobbies ehfulehit - yerall soapdodgers and scaffs". Chairman Rossiter said "This media frenzy isn't helping the club and perhaps you should do a story on Aussie rules instead".

Nash Calls In Lawyers

Player agent George Nash is believed to have called in his Glaswegian lawyers after comments made by Rovers manager Steve Hall. "Maheidsburstin Kinyegeemesumthinfurrit" said Nash, who would not be drawn further on the matter but looked to be in pain. "We're not sure what Mr Nash is up to because we couldn't find a translator"confirmed Hall. Rumours of the introduction of a salary cap into the league apparently triggered the problem. "It's a misunderstanding" suggested Hall "I think he overheard Charlie saying he wouldn't eat that celery crap and it all blew up from there" Hall went on to say Rovers would go into mediation if needed and were prepared to revisit a proposal to have celery as a compulsory lunch item before all future matches.

Rovers Hold Second Place

Rovers maintained second place in the league after this weeks results although Computer Says No are on the same points as Rovers with a game in hand. Leaders Infinity were whipped today by Computer Says No 9 - 6 to lose their first game, but Computer Says No have only dropped two points so far in their draw with Rovers. "We've got two of the weaker teams in the run in" said Hall "before we get a crack at Infinity in the final round. We're looking pretty good for a top three place now and still might qualify top".

Hall was not counting his chickens before they hatched "It's a funny old game and someone might do a Rooney on us yet" observed Hall "and frankly Chris Riddle's right leg is held together with rubber bands and chewing gum". Hall was urged supporters club president Liz Pollock to get the supporters to rally behind the team "The crowd was disappointing today, in fact there wasn't one" detected the dejected Hall "so I'm not sure we're really utilising the pulling power of a player like Mark Fatu".

Hall also commented on Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richard falling out of a coconut tree "When you've been around as long as I have, falling out of a coconut tree is really a bit passe" reflected Hall "and I've seen Charlie Smith fall out of a tree and believe me that one registered on the richter scale".

Come From Behind Heroes

Goal scoring legend Colin McIntosh was the toast of the Land Rovers Football club this afternoon when he knocked in a winner with time almost up on the clock. Land Rovers miraculously pulled back a two goal deficit in the last two minutes to beat AMP 7- 6 at the Shed of Dreams. "I took myself off with four minutes to go to assess our tactical options, and we swapped Charlie for Colin in goal, and for the last two minutes brought myself and Colin back on. The opposition wilted and we knocked in three to take it out with thirty seconds or so to spare". Rovers had led 3 -1 early on but faded in the middle part of the game to see four unanswered goals fly in for a 5 - 3 deficit. "We lacked discipline there for a while" said Hall "but to their credit the boys rallied and got back into it".

Chairman Rossiter was pleased but had mixed emotions "AMP are my old club so whilst I'm elated to beat them, I can empathise with how they must be feeling this afternoon". Goal scorer, hero and jolly good bloke Colin McIntosh had no such feelings "It's a 24 minute game and you have to go right to the end" said McIntosh "so I think our superior fitness showed through at the end". McIntosh went to say that Rovers had a lot of old wise heads on the pitch and had learnt from the draw a week earlier how to close out a game.

"We'll give the boys a day off training for that" said Hall "and then we'll be back to analyse some video in preparation for the next match".

MOTM Colin McIntosh

Final Score: ROVERS 7 AMP 6