"Predict A Riot" Becomes Rovers Club Song

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall this evening announced that "I Predict A Riot" by the Kaiser Chiefs had won the right to be the Land Rovers Club song. At a gala dinner attended by five people the winner was announced shortly after the assembled crowd had scoffed their fish and chips. Ricky Wilson (pictured) when advised of the award reportedly said "Na Na Na Na Na" but would not be drawn further on the prestigious win. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said with players of the calibre of Charlie Smith and Chris Riddle, the club had become associated with the physical side of the game and the song really represented what the club had come to stand for any time Charlie Smith was playing. "Charlie is the kind of guy who can't even go and get a coffee without getting into a discussion on his place in the queue" said Hall "where as I think there's no point in unnecessary trouble". Hall said he wouldn't be asking the Kaiser Chiefs to pay Rovers royalties at this stage but if the band turned up at a game they'd be welcome to play the song at half time.

Club Song Finalists Announced

Land Rovers Chairman and retired struggling professional musician Dean Rossiter today announced the nominations for the Land Rovers Club Song. The finalists are:

• I Predict A Riot (Kaiser Chiefs) - nominated by Mr Charles Smith.

• Unnecessary Trouble (HARD-Fi) - nominated by Mr Chris Riddle

• Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day) - nominated by Mr Stephen Hall.

• Soft (Kings of Leon) nominated by Air Jordan Petersen

• Riot Van (Arctic Monkeys) nominated by Mrs Smith

Beast of Burden by the Rolling Stones nominated by Mr Mark Fatu was not considered as The Beast had already selected the song for his own site At Home With The Beast. Dean Rossiter expressed disappointment that his own compositions "It's a long way to Taihape" and "Australian Rover" were not successful.

Aha Shake Heartbreak

Mark Fatu today broke the hearts of his legions of female followers when he announced he was getting shacked up a fortnight tomorrow. Fatu whose blog “At Home With The Beast” has just passed the million visitor mark said he hoped the news didn’t impact on his plans to be an internet superstar. “I never expected my blog to be so popular” said Fatu “after all it took the Land Rovers four months to have 1500 visitors and I had a million in about a quarter of the time”. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall wished Fatu all the best and said that Fatu was a self promotional genius, even timing the announcement of his wedding to gain maximum media and internet exposure. “A lot of people think Mark is a quiet kind of guy” said Hall “and are totally unaware he has this powerful ambition to be an internet superstar”. Fatu said his earlier aim to be a TV star by Christmas have been put on hold until he can get a New Zealand television network to listen to sense. He was currently talking with a reality show producer to see if a series on his honeymoon would attract any TV interest, although the suggestion that Marc Ellis and Mathew Ridge would need to appear on the show had given him second thoughts.

Smith In Road Rage Incident

Charles Smith today observed a new twist to road rage on the motorway near Tawa. “These two geezers got out of the same car and started whacking each other on the road side” said a clearly delighted Smith “so I wound down the window and gave them a few pointers”. Smith says he thought they were fighting like a bunch of girls and told them so. “The traffic had come to a bit of a stand still so I had the opportunity to offer a few words of encouragement” said Smith “but then they got back in the car and drove off”. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said it was probably a couple of players from Matt Is Mad practicing for there semi-final clash with Ten Left Feet. “Sometimes you think Charlie just has a fertile imagination” said Hall “but he does have the uncanny knack of being anywhere that trouble is brewing”.

Honolulu or Leeds???

AFTC Manager and born again romantic Jason Pollock posed a tricky question this morning to his wife Land Rovers Supporters Club President Liz Pollock. Jason suggested two alternatives for the now significantly delayed honeymoon, a choice between Honolulu or Leeds. "I don't know why Liz struggled over this one" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "because although neither city has a recognised football team, Leeds is the home of the band Kaiser Chiefs whose song I Predict A Riot which will shortly be announced as a finalist for Rovers Club song". Pollock remained unconvinced but did find on a search of Wikipedia that Leeds used to have a football team that had been moderately successful in a by-gone era. "I'm still not sure but Leeds certainly seems to have a few things going for it" said Liz. Jason meanwhile had heard from his ATFC team mates that Aberdeen was quite nice at this time of year.

Matt Has Big Issues

Land Rovers today took on Matt Is Mad at the Shed Of Dreams. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was without star player Eddie Hussey, who was unfortunately attending some work related project meeting rather than being out on the front line with his team mates. Rovers traded goals with Matt is Mad until it got to 5 - 5 when Matt Is Mad pulled away to win 8 - 6. "It was a close game and could have gone either way with the referee disallowing a Rovers goal and another ball hitting the post" said Hall "and they were a physical side who weren't too concerned about taking people out off the ball". Hall said he wasn't sure why Matt (pictured) was mad, but there were certainly signs he had an anger management problem. Rovers now play old friends Infinity in the semi-final and will hopefully be able to muster the strongest possible line up for the match.

Final Result: Land Rovers 6 Matt Has Anger Issues 8

Bolton End Pompey Streak - In More Ways Than One

Charles Smith was simultaneously a disappointed and relieved man this morning after Bolton ended Pompey's streak 1- 0. The game almost didn't happen after Redknapp was feeling bunged up and Big Sam wasn't feeling two grand. Charlie Smith abused the referee throughout the game on the television at the Occidental, but at least lessened the chance he would have to streak down the 18th at Wainui. "I know a lot of us were looking forward to Bolton stuffing Pompey" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "because it would give none of us any pleasure to watch Charlie streaking down a golf course". Sam Allardyce (pictured) says his lawyers are confident he has a case against the BBC over the infamous Panorama programme, but have advised Smith to keep his kit on at all costs.

In other news Land Rovers were ready for the clash tomorrow against Matt Is Completely Round The Twist. "We know they're a good team and that is why we're using our secret weapon Lance Edwards" said Hall "he's going to whack them one with his bung arm".

Smith Offers To Streak Down Wainui Golf Course

Charlie Smith today offered to run down the 18th fairway of the Wainuiomata golf club if Pompey are still top of the Premier league when the North Wellington Charity golf tournament occurs in November. Land Rovers Indoor Football Club have signed up two teams to support the charity golf tournament run by the equally famous North Wellington Masters. "I'll be captain of one team and Charlie the other for the 3 November tournament at the beautiful Wainuiomata golf course" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall. North Wellington will be putting the bus on again from their club rooms and who can forget the football songs in the back of the bus on the way home from last years tournament. "I recall the bus stopping on the top of the Wainui hill overlooking Wellington harbour and about fifteen guys getting out to admire the view" said Rovers Manager Hall "and let's just say they let off a bit of steam while they were there".

Smith Predicts Another Riot

Charlie Smith has declared himself unavailable for Wednesday's clash against Matt Is Mad as he will be having a riot with himself in his own home. "Pompey play Bolton on Tuesday and let me say I'm not expecting to be fit for our match" said Smith "Pompey will of course stay top of the league and after Pompey score five or six goals my furniture might get dismantled". Smith said his UK contacts were currently offering bungs to the Bolton managment team as "they expect that sort of thing when they come to Pompey".

Land Rovers Manager said he had no interest in the "Battle Of The Bung" as his mind was on the last round of Wellington Indoor Football. "It looks like we're playing the old enemy Infinity in the semi-final unless we have a good win in this last game" said Hall "so it will be a good work out for the final series beginning 4 october". Rovers are already assured of a top four play off spot and lie fourth on the table two behind Matt Is Mad. "If they think Matt Is Mad they haven't met Charlie yet" said Hall "but we're not changing the team name to Charlie is Insane"

Rovers Back Save Our City Centre Sport

Land Rovers manager Steve Hall said this morning that Land Rovers would throw their full support behind Save Our City Centre Sport. "Comments made earlier in the week might suggest Rovers don't support inner city sport which we obviously do" said Hall "but let's face it ideally we'd like to have better facilites with little luxuries like toilets and showers, not available in the Shed of Dreams".

Hall however said Rovers would run a competition to see if the new Hilton design was uglier than the existing Shed 1 rusting hulk. "Quite hard to believe that you'd put up a design for a new hotel that was even uglier than the current Shed" said Hall "let's face it only a professional could come up with something that looked like that". Hall said readers should send in their votes as "if that's an iconic building then Lambton House is suddenly looking like the Sydney Opera House".

Rossiter Rejects "Persil" Rovers Tag

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter (pictured) has this morning rejected a name change to Persil Rovers. "It all sounds to clean cut to me" said Rossiter "and we were going to find it hard to get Charlie Smith whiter than white" .

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said the Persil Rovers concept sucked the big one. "Steven Gerrard has apparently just become the face of Persil" said Hall "but frankly we don't seem to have that clean cut image ever since Chris Riddle made a habit of regularly being sent off". Hall said it would in any event be a difficult task to wash the current shirts until they turned white. "We'd just get them white and someone would wipe their nose on them, so we see the advantages of staying with green" said Hall

Ultra Resistant

Struggling musician and former Land Rovers Goalkeeper Slick Ultra this morning gave his view on a suggestion that he compose an official Land Rovers song. "Yes I'm still bitter about that finger injury I got in my only game and the lack of club support" said Ultra "I almost got gangrene which would have cost me a career as a Ronnie Wood stunt double".

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said it was unfortunate Ultra felt that way as the club was all for fostering local musical talent, and the club would now look further afield for an official club song. "I thought of whacking out a song on my drum kit but evidently drum solo songs went out of fashion when John Bonham had that fatal problem with vodka regurgitation".

Oh Sorry QPR - You're Out Of The Cup

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was celebrating this evening after Port Vale knocked QPR out of the Carling Cup. "With Charlie raving on permanently about Pompey, it was nice to see the Valiants have a bit of success by beating higher rated opposition" said Hall. Hall said he knew this would not silence those who were continually saying Port Who?, but it was nice to have a little bit of success every now and then. "I might wear my Valiants away shirt tomorrow by way of celebration" said Hall "and if any QPR fans would like to ring me I'll be happy to talk them through the game highlights".

Earth Calling Perth . . Give Us A Bung

In light of the Panorama investigation into British Football Management corruption, Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) said he would welcome a proposal from any Perth based club for a bung relating to Charles Smith's transfer. "Charlie won't be getting a transfer fee himself on his current goal scoring lack of form" said Hall "but if a club wants to bung me a couple of grand to take him off our hands them that's what I'd call a win win". Hall said backhanders to Wellington Indoor Soccer Managers were sadly unheard of, and indeed you had to be a pretty sharp manager to get the match fees out of your team. "If I wasn't a management genius" said Hall "I'd probably lose money managing this team rather than breaking even". Hall said he was yet to receive a bung from Chris Riddle's transfer to Jafaland United.

Shed Of Dreams Goneburger

Wellington Regional Council announced this morning that the Shed of Dreams would be demolished to make way for a Hilton Hotel. "Obviously we'd heard of the proposal" said Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter "but this is Wellington and we thought it would be tied up in red tape by Waterfront Watch for another fifty years". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall welcomed the upgrade of facilities and the potential now for Paris Hilton to visit the city. "Toilet and Bar facilities are long overdue down at the Shed" said Hall "although I must admit it is going to be tricky playing the matches around the guests in the lobby of the hotel, especially if Paris Hilton turns up". Hall said he expected the council would now come under pressure to move the games back into the events centre or another suitable venue. Sources who did not want to be named in the industry expected an appeal to be lodged.

Pollock's Public Pirate Phantasy

Supporters Club President Liz Pollock today thought she had become a pirate, raising fears that the pressure of supporting Rovers was causing her to crack up. Wearing a badly constructed paper hat which made her look like Robin Hood, Pollock wandered round in a daze for most of the day yelling Avast! Avast! at anyone who came near her. "It's quite sad" said Rovers part time goal scorer Charlie Smith "we know she has a nautical bent, but frankly Nottingham isn't by the sea and the Forest have gone down to Division 1 these days". Smith said Robin Hood had reportedly gone to Notts County on a free transfer.

Sports Psychologist Liz O'Brien had reportedly shot through to work for a mysterious Government Department but had reportedly recommended "burning at the stake" as a cure for all modern ills. Land Rovers manager Steve Hall said that Pollock would feel much better after a "cup of tea and a lie down".

Rovers Support Talk Like A Pirate Day

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall today said the Land Rovers Club fully supported International Talk Like A Pirate Day. "Aye me hearties" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "weer doooin our bit to talk like a pirrrate todayy". Hall said the Rovers team looked like Pirates at the best of times but talking like them added that extra level of authenticity "Shiver me timbers" said Hall "and stone the crows for that matter". Hall said Rovers were taking a quiet week off with no match this week. "Arrrrrr, matey Avast!" said Hall "it's the silly season".

In other news, Charlie Smith continued to scour the internet for reports on Portsmouth being top of the Premiership. "Make no mistake laddee" said Smith "we're eere to stay". Smith was not talking like a pirate at the time. For the uninitiated Portsmouth is a dodgey pirate town on the south coast of England where everyone talks like a pirate. Smith said they were looking into a not talking like a pirate day.

Over The Moon As Pompey Stay Top

Harry Redknapp (pictured after the recent win) confessed today he was "over the moon" at Pompey staying top of the premiership after Manyoo lost to Arsenal overnight. Charlie Smith meanwhile said he was "restrained", which was just as well given his tendency to go overboard with anything related to Pompey. "Obviously we're looking good at this stage for winning the Champions League next season, and we'll have done quite well to take the championship off Chelsea this season" exclaimed Smith. If it were not enough that Smith was predicting world domination for Pompey, his delusions were now extending to his golf game and he was currently investigating a professional nickname for when he overtakes Tiger Woods as world number 1. "I think Cheetah Smith has a nice ring to it" said Smith.

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Smith was entitled to his moment in the sun, but his recent declaration that he wanted to play up front for Rovers would have to be approached with an element of caution. "The lad scored one goal in a match somewhere back at the beginning of time" said Hall "he's hardly the next Pele, nevermind a LuaLua".

Smith A Million Percent Impressed

Portsmouth Manager Harry Redknapp (pictured left) advised Pompey supporters to watch the BBC One Panorama probe into illegal payments in football and insisted: "I am a million per cent innocent". Meanwhile on the other side of the world Charles Smith (pictured below) pleaded guilty to being a million percent impressed with Pompey's 1 - 0 win against Charlton to go top of the Premier League. "It's just as well Land Rovers don't have a game this week" said Smith "because I declaring a week of celebrations". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was a zillion percent certain that he wasn't taking backhanders for Smith's transfer to Perth. "With Smith on this Pompey high" said Hall "we might have to pay someone in Perth to make sure he actually leaves town". Smith said he'd probably celebrate with a quiet couple of dozen beers.

Hussey Hysteria

Plagued for weeks by a group of female admirers who follow him everywhere, Eddie Hussey has this morning officially declared himself a celebrity. "The female attention is flattering" said Hussey "but it's got to the point where I need an official fan club so that I can be more responsive to my admirers". Hussey said he would be looking to Trevor Hose and Mark "The Beast" Fatu for advice, as they had themselves gone through this female hysteria phase in the past. "I'll be helping Eddie out" said Mark "The Beast" Fatu "as I know what it is like to have many female admirers". Hussey said that whilst The Beast could offer some advice, he was hoping Hose could offer practical help and answer his phone and screen his calls starting Monday. "I'm becoming far to important to answer my own phone" said Hussey.

Land Rovers manager Steve Hall said the club had always had a throng of female admirers, and perhaps Hussey had been unwise to whip up the hysteria levels by taking his shirt off. "I know the lad had the best of intentions raising money for charity" said Hall "but frankly he's making a rod for his own front". Hall said Hussey should knuckle down and help Rovers win the league.