Smith Disappears

After a night of Corporate hospitality, no reliable (or unreliable for that matter) sightings of Charles Smith have been made on Sunday. Smith was believed to have staggered home after enjoying several concoctions at the All Blacks test match at Westpac Stadium. "Knowing Charlie he will be sleeping it off until tomorrow, he's often said it is a bit dull for him in Wellington in the weekend" said Rovers Manager Hall "he's not quite a George Nash in the drinking department".

Wellington Police confirmed tonight they were not looking for Smith as he was "big enough and ugly enough to look after himself". Unconfirmed reports from a Porirua Supermarket suggest there have been a run on painkillers early this afternoon that appears unconnected to the thriving drug labs business in the area. "We know the drug dealers but the chap who was in here looked to have a very sore head" said a Supermarket employee who preferred not to be named for fear of being dumped handless in the harbour.

Smith Enjoys Corporate Hospitality

Only two days after crying off a lunch time beer due to a "Tennants" hangover, Charles Smith will be enjoying the delights of Corporate Box at the All Black test. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was incredulous "Smith could talk his way into the Kremlin and get them to give him a case of vodka". Hall said Smith played his first game of rugby only three days ago and was already rubbing shoulders with the high and mighty of the Corporate Rugby world. "I think Charlie could go far, and hopefully he will" said Hall. The All Blacks are hot favourites for the match but anything could happen if Charlie starts yelling out the window of the Corporate Box.

Riddle Says No To Pompey

After 24 hours on the transfer list, Chris Riddle has had only one enquiry from Portsmouth. Portsmouth FC have been turned down by almost every professional player in the world in recent weeks have started casting their net further afield. "Portsmouth apparently decided for credibilty sake they would sign anyone" said Rovers Manager Hall "they felt if Chris would sign up then they'd get the ball rolling and be able to sign a decent player". Riddle was having none of it and as a life long Southampton supporter he showed a certain lack of interest in the proposal. "I'd rather walk over broken glass and have red hot needles stuck betwen my toes" said Riddle "I'd actually pay to play for Siberia Z reserves before signing for Pompey".

Riddle Transfer Listed

Chris Riddle today put himself on the transfer list looking for a transfer to Jafaland (Auckland). Riddle who has been frustrated by a gammy leg for as long as anyone can remember, has not played for Rovers for several games. "The lad needs major surgery in my opinion" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "and after that he should get his leg fixed". Hall said Riddle would suit an Auckland Indoor Team who wouldn't be too bothered if they never saw him, or could survive with a player who could only kick the ball with his weaker foot. "Chris is the only one who remembers his glory days, but from all acounts he should have played up front for Southampton as he reckons he'd have been a forty goals a season man". Hall said Rovers would consider all offers and if necessary would have a whip round to pay someone to take Riddle on.

Referee Robs Rovers

Land Rovers today lost 9 - 8 to Assure United after a quite appauling decision by the referee. Wtih scores tied at 7 - 7 Rovers were awarded a free kick and put all their players forward to pressure the opposition. Remarkably the referee reversed the decision for no apparent reason and gifted a goal to Assure Untied as Rovers had no players back. "It was an absolute disgrace" said Rovers Manager Hall "and that decision effectively cost us the match". Hall asked for an explanation for the reversal but none was forthcoming, so Rovers have no idea what caused the change of mind.
Rovers had started the match with four players after two men arrived a bit late. Teams were locked at 2 - 2 at half time after Dale O'Brien knocked in his first goal right on the half time hooter. Rovers dropped two behind early in the second half only to claw back to a 7 - 6 lead with three minutes to go. "It was a good close match and we raised our game over the first encounter" said Hall "it's a pity the whole game turned on such a strange decision". Rovers have previously had problems with the same referee who was heard telling another team that Rovers were "nutters". It was not lost on the Rovers team that the referee spent the whole half time huddle with the opposition "I'm not saying he was biased" said Hall " just that Mulder and Scully will need to be called in to uncover the mystery of what is going on in his head".


Final Score: Land Rovers 8 Assure United 9

Rovers Cleared Of Bribery and Corruption

An independent investigation today cleared Land Rovers of throwing a game against Ten Left Feet last week. Whilst it was acknowledged that Rovers performance against Ten Left Feet left a lot to be desired, no evidence was found whatsoever that acting manager Charlie Smith had arranged to throw the game in exchange for beer. "As I've said all along this was media hysteria, Charlie won the beer fair and square by correctly predicting France would beat Brazil. Now all that remains is for him to pay up his bets to me that England would win the World Cup and that Liverpool would win the league" said Hall "I've noticed he seems to be slow at coughing up".

Rovers take on Assure United at the Shed of Dreams, a team that walloped Rovers only three weeks ago. Rovers have four regular players out and have been struggling to regain last seasons form. Manager Hall said he was hoping for an improved performance tomorrow but realistically it would be a tough encouter given that the team was changing every week. "At least we didn't get relegated like Juventus, although it will be a hard slog for a top four place the way we're going" said Hall.

Match Fixing Allegations Won't Go Away

Charles Smith today distanced himself from match fixing allegations saying “There’s no way I was anywhere near a dozen Heineken”. Unfortunately for Smith, the media soon came into possession of a photo of him leaning against a dozen Heineken. “It’s clearly been air brushed” said Rovers Manager Hall “the real Charlie isn’t that photogenic”. Hall said this was another clear case of a media beat up on the Rovers club. “Do they seriously think Charlie would throw a game against Ten Left Feet for a dozen Heineken” said Hall “it would be a scandalous over-payment when everyone knows Charlie would throw a game for just a bottle”.

Heineken Match Fixing Scandal

In the wake of the Italian Match fixing scandal and the relegation of Juve, Lazio and Fiorentina to Serie B, Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter has emphaticaly denied a media leak that Charles Smith received a dozen Heineken for fixing the loss to Ten Left Feet. "I couldn't comment on whether Charlie has been involved in betting with club sponsor Tony Lester, but believe me if Charlie acquired a dozen beer I can assure you he wouldn't have off-loaded it to Ten Left Feet to ensure a loss". Rovers Manager Hall said it beggared belief that Smith was been accused of giving away beer "Anyone who has tried to prise Charlie away from an ale will know he wouldn't be giving away a Heineken to lose a match, anyway we're perfectly capable of losing without assistance". Hall confirmed however Rovers were not yet at the point of trying to buy a win.

Elton in Town - Not The One Who Supports Watford

Land Rovers Supporters Club President confirmed this afternoon that an entourage from the club would be meeting with Ben Elton this evening at the intimate Michael Fowler Centre. "I have no idea if he plays football" said Liz "but I know like me he was a big fan of Margaret Thatcher". Elton who was involved with Andrew Lloyd Webber in the musical "The Beautiful Game" was not asked to turn up and play for Rovers as a star turn. "Apparently he wasn't a big enough name" said Pollock "he only has eight letters in his name all up and Roman Arkadievich Abramovich is not only a bigger name but he has more money". Pollock declined to comment on whether Abramovich was interested in pouring money into Rovers.

Rossiter Rejects Wrestling Rigmarole

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter tonight rejected the suggestion that Land Rovers should enter the Pro Wrestling circuit by promoting Mark "The Beast" Fatu. "Obviously we're aware of the pro wrestling link with Sam Fatu (pictured), but our business plan is aimed at becoming the top indoor football team in Wellington, and the board feels that a diversion into pro wrestling will distract us from our overall vision". Mark Fatu said he was relieved to hear that his pro wrestling career was on hold "I wasn't looking forward to a Full Nelson, Split-Legged Moonsault or the Tombstone Piledriver, I might have got hurt". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was never convinced that wrestling was a good idea and Rovers should stick to their knitting. "Let's face it with Charlie and Chris in the team, it often looks more like pro wrestling than indoor football anyway".

Rovers Linked With Ronaldo

Rovers Marketing Manager Heather Fernandes returned today from a three week tour of Europe and North America. “I found there was a lack of penetration in the Northern Hemisphere for our brand in the target markets, well indeed in all markets”. Fernandes said that whilst Charles Smith had a profile in the Portsmouth area, Land Rovers had failed to make an impact and as a result shirt sales were non-existent. “We thought when we moved from bibs to shirts that we’d get a few sales in the 18 - 25 hooligans niche, but we’ve got some distance to go to catch Manchester United and I’m not optimistic we’ll achieve that in the current financial year” reported Fernandes. Fernandes however thought Manchester United had troubles of their own as they are currently trying to flog off Ronaldo shirts on the cheap but they're not exactly selling like hotcakes.

On a positive note, the Rovers new shirts have arrived in eye catching green with red trim. “I think the boys will be looking pretty good in the new kit and we might make a few sales from the resulting photo opportunities” said Fernandes. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said as recently as a month ago he'd not have picked that Rovers would be as popular as Ronaldo. "It's a funny old world" said Hall "but to be as popular in England as Ronaldo is something we could only have dreamed about a month ago, and now it is a reality".

Rovers Pasta Paradise

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was digesting what lessons Rovers could be learn from the Italian World Cup win. "I've poured over hours of video footage and analysed screeds of statistics, and the simple truth is it comes down to eating pasta". Hall said Rovers would immediately be starting pasta trials, Smith on Spaghetti, Riddle on Ravioli, Fatu on Fettucine, McIntosh on Mostaccioli.". Hall said initially he couldn't work out what pasta Edwards should trial so had thought of Eggplant as a substitute "but I had a brainwave and it is now Lance on Lasagne". Hall said there was a hint that chocolate would make a performance difference so he would be trying that out himself. "Charlie had offered to try beer as a performance enhancing drug, but the club finances are stretched at the moment and we couldn't afford the first round".

Pollock Dazed And Confused

Rovers Supporters Club President Liz Pollock was reportedly having difficulty reconcilling supporting two teams in division 7 of Wellington Indoor Soccer. "She's showing signs of losing the plot" said Acting Rovers Manager Charles Smith "she wore Silver Moon Boots to work yesterday and went round telling everyone it was one small step for women but one giant leap for womankind". Sports Pyschologist Liz O'Brien was not immediately available to assist Pollock with some retail therapy but was understood to be willing to assist Pollock on a shopping spree of capital shoe shops if required. Keen bargain hunters with a leaning towards luna walk fantasies should watch Trade Me in the coming hours for a pair of bargain silver boots (pictured).

Rovers Stutter

Last season Land Rovers put away Ten Left Feet by 11 - 7 in a fairly comfortable romp, but today Land Rovers were without several key players. "We've been blooding some new players in recent weeks and whilst that has been beneficial for longer term development, we've seen a slight dip in performance" said acting Manager Charlie Smith. Smith said Rovers were competitive for this game but defences lapses cost the team. "The good news is Lance Edwards finally got his shooting boots on and scored a couple of goals, as did Colin McIntosh" said Smith.

Manager Steve Hall said from his Manawatu hideaway. "God it's boring in Palmy, even the hoons have fallen asleep here today, I must get back to town as soon as possible". Hall said he was looking to put up a better effort against Aspire United "We'll put out a fairly strong line up next week and hope to get one back on those guys" said Hall "we need to rediscover the winning habit".

Final Score: Land Rovers 5 Ten Left Feet 8

French Kiss

Less than twenty four hours after Charlie Smith was urged to perform like Zidane, the World Cup final saw Zidane performing like Smith. "I saw the Land Rovers web site" said Zidane "and I thought I needed to put a bit of mongrel in my game to emulate Smithy". Zidane was sensationally sent off for headbutting when France had had far the better of the game. "Smithy seems to have that controlled type of uncontrolled aggression, but I lost the plot and head-butted an opponent".

Rovers Manager Hall said that whilst Zidane was now retired, Rovers would be happy to give him a run if he ever turned up at Shed 1. "We're lacking that little bit of class although we wouldn't honestly resort to what was previously known as a Liverpool kiss, although now obviously it will be called a French kiss" said Hall "but with Charlies past association with Tranmere Rovers you never know".

The World Cup final was won by Italy on penalties 5-4 afetr a 1 - 1 draw in the match itself.

Makeshift Rovers

Land Rovers Captain Steve Hall was a late withdrawal from the Division 7 opener against Ten Left Feet. Hall was "stuck in the Manawatu" and with team star Eddie Hussey unavailable and with Chris Riddle injured, Charlie Smith will be leading out a makeshift team for round one. "I expect Charlie to get us home against these guys as we beat them comfortably last season, but it won't be easy in the circumstances." Hall said Rovers would need to show a strong commitment to covering and tackling to build a foundation for a win. "We've been a pack of girls for the last few weeks so it is time to rectify that". Hall confirmed that Smith should be watching the World Cup final in the morning for a few pointers, and said if Smith could model himself on Zidane then he'd be doing well.

Pollock Torn

Land Rovers Suopprters club president Liz Pollock admitted she was torn tonight after her husband's team ended up in the same division as Land Rovers. A T F C have been in training and have even gone as far as hiring out the venue for practice games each week. "They seem to be taking it seriously but we'll be hoping to send them packing, this isn't ice hockey after all". said Hall "and we aren't intending to be puckering up to them when we play them in August".

New Season Draw Released

Land Rovers will start their new campaign with a game against old foe Ten Left Feet before launching into a rematch a week later against newcomers Assure United. "We'll have to lift it a cog as we haven't been too flash during the grading round" said Manager Hall "but I'm back to face up to my duties and it looks like it's a tougher league this time as about half the old division got relegated down to eight". The squad will have a settled look with all the old regulars all back. "Chris Riddle is injured, so at least we know we've got some consistency there" said Hall "he'll be out for game 1".

Hiding

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall was tonight in hiding after an 18 - 4 demolition of the Rovers at the hands of the Giants. "We have every confidence in our manager" said Chairman Rossiter "we're 100% behind him". The Giants turned out to be former division 1 winners who have slipped down to Division 3. Fortunately that is the last grading game and the Rovers are back in familiar territory in Division 7 next week. If Hall is ever located, he'll need to select his starting line up from the wealth of talent that has been lining up for Rovers in the grading rounds. "The 2030 vision to be best team might suffer some slippage this week, 2080 is starting to look more realistic" said Rossiter.

Final Score: Land Rovers 4 Giants 18

New Look Rovers Have Giant Mission

With five of the regular squad out tomorrow there will be a few new faces in the Rovers squad tomorrow for the game against Giants. "I don't want to give too much away before kick off, but I can confirm we will not be playing any dwarfs to throw the opposition off" said Hall "although if we spot a bean stalk in the vicinity of Shed 1 then there will be a few players worried". Hall said size didn't always matter as this was not basketball. "The bigger they come the harder they fall" said Hall "but heaven help they have any players called Ronaldo, I think Charlie will lose the plot".

Smith Sick As A Parrot

Charles Smith was today suffering from a "mystery virus" after ten man England's exit from the World Cup against twelve man Portugal. Rovers Manager Steve Hall said that he was unsure Smith would be back on deck for the match against new team the "Giants" on Wednesday. With several regulars out, Rovers look certain to again blood some new players against the unknown quantity of the Giants. "Charlie is obviously got the bird flu, it's understandable in the circumstances that he is as sick as a parrot, I'm still not feeling that well myself" said Rovers Manager Hall.

Mugged

England were this morning mugged by Cristiano Ronaldo who was involved in an incident that ended with Wayne Rooney being sent from the pitch. "I still can't believe that" said Hall "and I'm declaring a week of mourning for England supporters in the Rovers squad". Hall said that Land Rovers would be practicing penalties which are becoming increasingly important in indoor soccer. "You get penalties against you after five fouls on the opposition in indoor but so far we have only had them against us" reported Hall 'which I think is an over reaction by referees to our physical style". Hall said Smith would now be in doubt for the clash against the Giants on Wednesday as it was unclear if he would stop weeping by then.

Here We Go - We Hope

In a short statement released tonight before he headed off for an early bed time, Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was confident of an English win against Portugal. "We hope the Portugese go out more gracefully than the Argies" said Hall "and then it's Brazil or France for England on Wednesday". Hall confirmed he had lost faith in club psychic Slick Ultra to influence the result but if England win the final he might have to revisit his whole belief system.

Hall commented though if it got down to the rough stuff, England had had some good results in the past against Germany and Argentina. "We won't be intimidated by the Portugese even if they do have five hundred bookings again like the last game, we've got Becks playing in an enforcer role and that should do the trick".

Elusive Psychic Snapped

Elusive Land Rovers Club Psychic Slick Ultra was today featured on the Stuff web site after he failed to accurately predict that the photographer would take a photo as he walked by. "He was a sharp eyed guy and I can only assume he did some psychic counter blocking to prevent me foreseeing what was going to happen" said Ultra. Manager Hall was still sceptical about Ultra's pre-cognitive powers "If he was so good he would have known where the ball was going when he played in goal for us" said Hall "and he would have just gone there a minute before the shot went in". Hall however conceded that the photo of Ultra was blurred and the possibility that this was created by a backward projected tachyon mind wave could not entirely be ruled out. "We need to keep him on in case Infinity start using Uri Geller to bend the goal round the ball" suggested Hall.

The photo reached $2.75 tonight on the Trade Me web site as Slick had a fierce bidding war with another Slick Ultra from a parallel universe. A mind meld with the other Ultra revealed England have won the last ten World Cup finals in that universe and Land Rovers are the strongest indoor team in the world. Slick was currently endeavouring to ascertain how he'd met Pamela Anderson in the other world in the hope of applying this knowledge in the real world.

Land Rovers Secure Shirt Sponsorship

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed this morning that the days of wearing sweaty old bibs might soon be over for Land Rovers as they secured a sponsorship deal for shirts with an as yet unnamed investor. "You media piranhas will just to wait and see who the sponsor is when we offically launch the shirts" exclaimed Hall "but a hint is that this investor has cut his mustard, not to mention a few other things, on the golf course". Hall said there would now be a long argument over what colour the shirts would be but bright yellow was a contender so that the team could easily pick each other out on the field. "We've had a few problems passing to the opposition, we reckon this development will help sort that out" informed Hall.

Diving Lessons

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall ordered his team to take diving lessons before their next grading game against the ominously named Giants. "We've seen from the Italians that with not much effort you can extract a penalty provided you have done at least a few minutes practice at`falling on your face" said Hall "I expect we'll see a bit of this sort of thing on friday night but the boys need to do the hard yards to practice this skill". Hall said the Giants were a big team but that Rovers wouldn't be looking up to them. "We'll be hiring step ladders to prevent that possibility" Hall quipped.

Cosmic Disturbance Hinders Rovers

Newly appointed club psychic Slick Ultra confirmed this afternoon that Land Rovers had no chance of winning their game today against Assure United due to negative vibrations in the fourth dimension. “The alignment of Uranus and Pluto set up an unusual disturbance in the cosmic fabric of the fourth dimension” said Ultra “the natural transference of karma waves through the dimensional matrix led to a spectral distortion in the area immediately between The Terrace and Lambton Quay. Unfortunately the alignment of tea leaves in the Lambton House tenth floor tea pot, led to a sub-space rift that impacted negatively on the corpus amygdaloideum in the medial temporal lobe of the Land Rovers players”. Club Psychologist Liz O’Brien commented on Ultra’s analysis “It’s a load of twaddle, the team went out with a slack attitude and paid the price”.

Manuel Labour

Anyone who thought Spain underperformed in their match against France at the World Cup, should have seen El Rovers playing Assure United today at the Shed of Dreams. "I'd say we approached this game very casually and once the game kicked off we got looser from there" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "the concept of marking the opposition seemed to evade us and the opposition had a great time taking free shots at out goal. The sad part is they weren't even a very good team". Hall said that Rovers would be practicing tackling old ladies over the next week to improve their skills, although he suspected that it would take a few days for the team to be able to catch up with anyone under the age of eighty. "I know what the Spanish team must be feeling like today, I thought at one point of changing my name to Manuel" said Hall.

In other news, a choked up Dean Rossiter fought back the tears as he reflected on the travesty that was the Italian penalty against Australia. "Honesty, some of the houses I rent out are better dives than that" said Rossiter "and I object to being robbed of a game by a player who doesn't even fall over without any class". Rossiter contended that football was a silly game anyway and he would stick to watching Aussie Rules from now on.

Final Score El Rovers 2 Assure United 8

Pretty Boy Smith On DVD

Charles Smith direct from celebrating an England win over Ecuador, was delighted to tell anyone who'd listen this morning that his mug was now on DVD. "I did a little video at a conference recently and they've picked my interview out for the DVD. I could become the next Knight Rider". Smith who was having difficulty becoming famous through his football ability may now have a second career as a TV personality opening up in front of him. "I've seen some things in my time" said Rovers Manager Hall "but Charlie becoming a TV star would take the biscuit, the cake and the apple crumble too". Smith was currently in negotiation for "use of his image" with Television New Zealand. An anonymous source at the state owned broadcaster said "Who the hell is Smith?”

Early Start For Smith

Notoriously late starter Charlie Smith confirmed tonight he was in training for the 3 am start on Monday morning when England plays Ecuador. "I wanted to build myself up for it" said Smith "so I got out of bed at 11 am this morning". Smith who usually lounges around in bed until 3 pm on Saturday said getting up four hours early was tough, but because it was England he was up for it. Smith intends to get out of bed at 7 am tomorrow for the late World Cup game, before making the huge leap to 3 am the following day. "I'm proud of the lad" said Rovers manager Hall "I know he's never been awake that early before so I'll be sending him a congratulatory text at 3am Monday morning".

Rossiter Relieved

Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter was relieved this evening that Australia qualifed for the next round of the World Cup. "I'm very happy for Australia but sad for Rovers, I haven't found any talent to bring back to New Zealand". Rossiter talked to several prospects but none shared the Rovers vision of being the best in Wellington by 2030. "Most thought New Zealand was full of sheep and not much else, so it was hard to build the enthusiasm for the team". Rossiter said the trip was no picnic and he'd scoured Sydney indoor venues looking for the right skills. "You wouldn't believe what I put myself through" said Roositer.

England's Dreaming

Concern this morning as a woeful English defence let the Swedes come back from the dead and equalise 2 - 2. "I thought England looked like us against Infinity" said Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall "I was half expecting Sven to bring Charlie and Chris on as substitutes". England will live to fight another day as will Rovers. Hall said he had a few surprises for next match but refused to confirm or deny that Rovers had made a new signing during the off-season. "We're not just relying on Deano to score in Sydney, we've keeping our eyes peeled for local talent as well" said Hall. Hall continues to rough it at a remote Wairarapa location and reportedly had not spotted any potemtial Rovers during his visit.

Hall Protests

Rovers Manager Steve Hall protested vigourously when Wellington Indoor Soccer drew Land Rovers to play Infinity in a grading game. "We've played them two out of our last three games and we'd like to play someone else" said Hall. Rovers have now drawn Assure United for an 11.30 fixture on Wednesday to start the new campaign. "We don't know much about United but we have kept the core squad together from last season so we're looking forward to the new season" said Hall. Hall said he was currently focussing on the England match tomorrow morning as he was looking to style his own game on Wayne Rooney. "I can see similarities in the way we play, although apparently no one else can" crumbled Hall.

Rovers Down But Not Out

With the absence of Hall, Smith and Grant from the semi-final, Land Rovers put up a creditable performance against Computer Says No with only five players. The teams traded blows to reach 5 - 5 before the lack of subs took its toll and Rovers went down 7 - 5. Manager Steve Hall was on a "leadership" course at a undisclosed Martinborough Vineyard "I'm proud of the boys and I'm picking up some interesting pointers for next season over here at the Vineyard" said Hall "and the power has been out for an hour now so I just want the team to know I'm slumming it in the dark". Hall said the vineyard was putting on free wine to cheer things along but he was not able to participate due to his intensive training regime. The new season kicks of next week with three grading rounds.

Final Score Land Rovers 5 Computer Says No 7

Rossiter Talent Spotting in Sydney

Chairman Dean Rossiter said today he was 100% behind Australias bid to beat Brazil at 4 am tomorrow New Zealand time. "I'm a big Aussie supporter so I'm off to Sydney in the morning to soak up the atmosphere". Rossiter was reluctant to comment on speculation he was in Sydney to look at potential players to recruit for the upcoming indoor season starting next week. "You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see we'll need some new talent to be the best team in Wellington by 2030, so if I look for a bit of talent while I'm in Sydney that will be no big surprise"

Meanwhile Charlie Smith was recalled to the Land Rovers squad for the third place play-off tomorrow against Computer Says No. "This will be a tough game against a team who went unbeaten through the round robin" said Rovers Manager Hall "and with two regulars including myself out we need Charlies experience in the squad so he is back from the wilderness". Hall said the third place play off wasn't a big game now Rovers were out of the final. "We'll go through a rebuilding phase for the grading games next week" said Hall "and I'm off to Martinborough for a week for an intensive review of tactics at a local winery".

"Crouchless" Hussey

Land Rovers star player and acting manager Eddie Hussey today suggested that Land Rovers had failed in their semi-final against Infinity because they lacked the quality of a striker like Peter Crouch. Crouch spectacularly missed an attempt on goal this morning when his legs somehow got in the way of his feet. England went on to win with Crouch wisely using his head to score. "We don't have a player in our side who can do that manouevre" said Hussey "although Chris Riddle reportedly does a good imitation after a few pints". Hussey said that Rovers would be practicing "the crouch" over the weekend as it was important for Rovers to be using state of the art techniques when missing goals. "Let's face it" said Hussey "you'd never actually do that if you wanted to score".

Smith Exonerated

Chariles Smith was cleared of any wrong-doing in speaking to the media to today when a probe by Rovers Psychologist Liz O'Brien found nothing at all to worry about. "Charlies is programmed to make these comments about referees, he has absolutely no control over what he says and therefore is not culpable" said O'Brien. A relieved Smith said he was over the moon at being cleared and would continue to make comments about the men in the middle as he saw fit. "It's part of my heritage to provide referees with advice, the game wouldn't be the same without this kind of balance" said Smith. Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Smith would be unavailable for the next match but declined to elaborate. "We're focussing our mental energies now on an England win tomorrow, so we want to put this probe business behind us". said Hall.

Internal Probe for Smith

After comments to the media yesterday Charlie Smith faces an internal investigation to decide whether he will play in the third place play off against Computer Says No next Monday. "Obviously he's run away at the mouth" said Director of Football Nikki File this morning "and we'll need to probe Charlie about unauthorised comments to the media". File said the investigation would occur this morning but inside sources say that Smith is likely to be cleared as the whole investigation is a cover up to keep Rovers out of the judiciary. File denied this "We don't take these matters lightlly and Charlie will be put through the wringer before we clear him".

"I'm no Ronaldiniho" moans Smith

Charlie Smith today took time out from his extensive World Cup watching schedule to comment on the proposal for him to develop juggling skills like the Brazillians. "It's not British and I'm no Ronaldo" complained Smith "and where I come from you're considered a bit if a nancy boy if you juggle the ball in the air". Smith said his recent lack of goal scoring was down to "creative differences" with his team mates, but he largely put the blame on the referees who appeared to be penalising him for his rough and tumble approach. "I'd like to give some of these referees the benefit of my experience as they seem to be on another planet" said Smith "but I'm not going out there like a big girl's blouse and playing that poncy Brazillian stuff. Manager Hall could not be reached for comment and was said to be on a "planning day".

Roos Pull Through

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter was a relieved man today as Oztralia came from behind to beat Japan with three late goals. "We wuz out of it I thought" said Rossiter "until Cahill got stuck in and scored those two goals". Tomorrow Brazil make their debut in the tournament and Rovers Manager Steve Hall will be looking for pointers from the World Champions. "Everyone knows we want to be the best five a side team in Wellington by 2030, but we have ambitions beyond that to be the best in New Zealand by 2050. We're going to need to adopt Brazillian skills to achieve that and I have in mind a daily ball juggling routine for the likes of Smithy to build his balance and ball control. Heaven knows what we're going to do about his lack of vision but you've got to start somewhere". Smith said through his agent that he was underwhelmed by the proposal, but would not comment on the record for fear of being droppped.

Closet Kangeroo Exposed

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter said that he would be supporting Australia in their World Cup tie against Japan. "I'm a closet roo" said Rossiter "and I wouldn't mind swinging a handbag at Mark Viduka if he got a bit stroppy in a bar". Mark Vaduka was not available for comment but an anonymous internet source said that Harry Kewell was more your handbag kind of a bloke.

Lands Rovers manager is also supporting the Okkers as his second team "I was in Sydney the night Oz beat Uruguay and ran into a whole lot of reformed poms from Perth who all supported Oz". Hall is using the many hours of football to hone up on latest coaching developments. "I haven't worked out what Sven is up to yet" said Hall "but let's hope there is a method to his madness".

Alternative Scotland Clinch Draw

England supporters were well satisfied with the the results today at the World Cup when England won with a well taken own goal from Paraguay, and the heroic Trinidad and Tobago held Sweden to a 0-0 draw with ten men. "It could hardly have worked out better" said Rovers Manager Hall "and if England beat Trinidad and Tobago then they're through to the next round". Many of the Trinidad and Tobago players play in the minor leagues like the Scottish Premiership, and therefore they have become heavily backed by Scottish supporters. "You apparently can't buy Trinidad and Tobago shirts in Scotland, and a Glaswegian blond was reported on the internet as wondering why there were five teams in the group, she wanted Tobago kicked out".

Smith Bunkers Down

Charles Smith had bunkered dowm in his home this evening with enough beer and snacks to see him through the first round World Cup fixture between England and Paraguay. "I had to hire a forklift to get the supplies in" said Smith "but I'm a great believer that you have to give your team the best chance and I don't want to be leaving the TV unattended as I know my support is important". Smith thankfully did not explain how he would be dealing with a call of nature, but had bought several lengths of plastic tube earlier in the day. "It was a pity the Germans won their first round fixture" said Smith "but they aren't in the same class as this England team".

Rovers Supporting England

With the World Cup approaching in a matter of hours, a vote taken with the Land Rovers English contingent decided to throw the full weight of the club behind the England World Cup campaign. "We've had a whip round and unfortunately come up with no cash to send to the English camp" said Rovers Manager Hall "but Lance picked up England in the sweepstake so we're right behind him in winning the lot". Hall said that Chris Riddle picked up the Paraguay ticket and immediately burnt it knowing he had no chance whatsoever. "It was depressing getting that one" said Riddle "especially when I'm picking them to lose the first match by ten-nil".

Grant Unbundled

Rovers Manager Steve Hall today announced the transfer for an undisclosed fee of Patrick Grant to Telecom. "We're not a Chelski or a Telecom" said Hall 'and their offer was too rich for us". Grant who starred in the semi-final against Infinity yesterday said he was looking forward to the challenge of playing in the big time. "Telecom are one of the big local teams and it was time to spread my wings and look for new challenges" said Grant.

Hall said Land Rovers hoped to be one of the big players themselves by 2030 "We've got a vision to be up there over the next twenty-four years, but in the shorter term our aim is to get to Division 6 so we can use it as a springboard to fame and glory" confirmed Hall. Rovers are currently working on a Statement of Intent and obtaining shirts for the club is expected to be a top priority. "We're looking to graduate from bibs" said Hall "it's a key goal for the coming year". Hall said that he believed an injection of around a hundred million would see a change in the teams fortunes.

Down Rovers

Land Rovers went down this afternoon 8 -3 to Infinity in a semi-final match at the Shed of Dreams (pictured). "That's their third victory over us so I'm starting to get an inkling that they have it over us" said Rovers manager Steve Hall. Hall said the Rovers had had a good first season and despite losing to Infinity three times, they had not yet lost to any other team. Rovers are likely to play AMP for third next week, the team they squeaked in against 7 - 6 last time. Land Rovers were competitive today in the first half coming back from 3 - 0 down to be 3 - 2 at half time. "They ran us ragged in the second half when our marking dropped off, but it wasn't until right at the end that they pulled away" said Hall "but I'll be talking to Chairman Rossiter as I think with an investment of $50 million we could strengthen the squad". Hall said it would probably cost six million just to provide Chris Riddle with a bionic leg, and the other 44 million would probably be frittered away on team building in the Bahamas.

Final Score: ROVERS 3 Infinity 8










Shed of Dreams, Wellington

Mental Problems Sorted

In a week where Land Rovers have signed more backroom staff than Chelski have signed players, Rovers announced the appointment this afternoon of a Sports Psychologist Liz O'Brien. "We needed someone to play head games with" said Hall "and Liz thought she was the perfect candidate due to her self reported mental toughness". Liz O'Brien confessed to having an interest in rubber hand bags and mental torture and said she looked forward to keeping the boys on their toes. "We're hoping Liz will be doing that thing that the Russians did to Bobby Fisher, a little bit of psychic mumbo jumbo on the Infinity lads might be enough to put them off their game" said Hall.

Hall put Rovers through a grueling mental training run this afternoon. "We asked the boys to imagine they were running up Mount Vic with Liz running behind them with a whip". The ploy backfired with several players enjoying the experience against all expectations. Rovers go into the crucial semi-final with Infinity tomorrow with a two loss no win record. "They've had the better of us so far but I'll be looking for a big game from Charlie Smith, who hasn't really done the business since his miracle goal from half way back in about game three". Hall said the team was taking a nothing to lose approach to the game and the players were under instruction to have fun or be dropped.

Director of Football Appointed

Nikki File was today appointed Director of Football by Land Rovers Football club. "We have no idea what a Director of Football does" said Rovers Manager Hall "but as part of our vision to be the best indoor team in Wellington by 2030, we wanted to follow the lead of the major clubs and appoint a director". Hall said the Director of Football role with Land Rovers would be totally symbolic and he did not expect File to give him any advice on anything relating to football. "Our expectations at this stage is that Nikki will make the coffee but we haven't got round to telling her what the job involves yet so we'll be taking that one step at a time" said Hall.

Fernandes Hears The Drum

With the departure of Noirin Brady to Europe to boost Rovers European hand bag sales, Heather Fernandes has been appointed as the Rovers New Zealand based marketing chief. "We think Heather will really help us diversify our sales appeal to new markets" said Chairman Dean Rossiter "she has a spanish sounding name which will help us take on Real Madrid in the Japanese market, is Indian which should help us on the sub-continent, and was born on London which will be a big plus with the Cockney git market segment". Fernandes was ecstatic about the appointment and announced the club was working on releasing a song in time for the World Cup. "Can you hear the drum Fernandes? has promise" she said.

Tunnel Training Cancelled

Lands Rovers manager Steve Hall today cancelled a proposed team training run in the Terrace motor way tunnel. "We were going to jog through there to get the boys adrenaline going for the semi-final on Wednesday, but we heard over night that a party of four year olds went through there yesterday and we think now it will be too dangerous dodging high speed cars and toddlers". Hall denied it was a publicity stunt designed to improve ticket sales for the semi-final against Infinity "They don't even sell tickets to our games, in fact the have the temerity to make us pay to play". Hall confirmed that Rovers were looking to exploit the popularity of Mark "the beast" Fatu, but a plan to sell his body on Trade Me had got bogged down in red tape. "Apparently they thought it was akin to the slave trade" confirmed Hall.

Handbag Range Takes Off

Noirin Brady today confirmed the Rovers Handbag range had taken off since publicity created by Tana Umaga following the Super 14 final. "We were first to market as we had a two day jump on the story" said Brady "so we had our range on the net before the Rugby Union could really capitalise on it". Brady will be moving to Europe this weekend so that Rovers can push the range into the Northern Hemisphere Market. "We're excited about the commercial opportunities with the hangbag range" said Rovers Chairman Rossiter "so we're putting Noirin on the next plane to Europe". The New Zealand Rugby Union could not be contacted for comment.

"I'm No Hussey" Says Fatu

Mark “the beast” Fatu said last night that he was training hard after missing selection for the last match against Infinity. “I’d been away for a few days and the gaffa dropped me” said Fatu “but I’ve been putting in the miles at the gym and I’m looking forward to the semi-final”. Fatu professed he lacked the skills of midfield maestro Eddie Hussey “I’m no Hussey, but I’m working on my technique and I seem to have a few fans out there which is nice”. Marketing Manager Noirin Brady confirmed that Fatu bibs were a sought after item. “We don’t sell many of the Hussey bibs for some reason, but we can’t keep up with the demand for the Fatu the Beast product line”.

Rossiter Comes Out Swinging

Land Rovers Chairman Dean Rossiter today said the club had become embroiled in an argument over intellectual property rights with the Hurricanes, over the use of stories involving hand bags. “As can be clearly seen from our web site, Rovers came up with the story about swinging a handbag a good two days before the Hurricanes” said Rossiter “so we think the Hurricanes stole the idea from us and should be looking to compensate us with loads of cash”

Rovers manager Hall said his Mum was gutted by the whole experience. “She’s off to Portsmouth on Saturday and was looking to be signed as a bag swinging striker for Pompey” said Hall “and along comes Tana Umaga and steals the idea and uses it in the Jolly Poacher”. Hall said that Umaga had undermined the chances of his Mum signing for Portsmouth by hitting his own player. “The handbag was originally envisaged as an offensive weapon against the opposition defence” said Hall “but this hitting your own player stuff brings the art into disrepute”. Hall said that his Mum might still be signed by Pompey, but it was now looking like her Premier League career would be cut short before it had even started.

Ball Security A Concern

Lance Edwards today declared hinself unavailable for the semi-final next Wednesday against Infinity. "That's not good news as Lance was in charge of ball security" said Hall "and I suspect we'll have to pack a couple of extra handbags in case any maurauding rugby players are lurking around the Shed of Dreams". Hall was confident that at least two of the supporters club would make the game and it was understood they were already learning the football chants". Hall said he was quietly unconfident after two previous losses to Infinity. "I'm only looking one match ahead and it's all be about how we perform on the day" said Hall "it'll be a game of two halves I expect".

Pollock Pants Prisoner

Rovers Supporters Club President Liz Pollock was today imprisoned in her own pants when a zipper broke leaving her unable to extract herself from her own clothing. "It was one of those bizarre accidents that we would rather not have had spread all over the internet by the media" said Hall "as we know Liz was keen to keep it quiet" Hall advised that all the team were concerned that Pollock may have had a call of nature at any moment so she was immediately sent home to look for some bolt cutters. "We're grateful it wasn't Charlie caught in his shorts" said Hall "it might have been quite delicate extracting him".

Mum Keeping Mum

The mother of Rovers manager Steve Hall was not commenting today on whether or not she was in the Jolly Poacher pub in Christchurch yesterday. "This is a press beat up and Rovers had nothing to do with incident involving the Hurricanes" said Hall "and I understand in any event the hand bag was a little black Roxy bag belonging to a 22 year old, and I can vouch my mum is no spring chicken". Hall said fog was not likely to be an issue in the Rovers semi-finall next week "We've obviously talked about playing in fog but at an indoor venue it is unlikely to be an issue" said Hall "however if need be I guess we could bring some smoke to impair visibility on the field". Rovers chariman Dean Rossiter confirmed the Rovers club did not endorse smoke bombs even if Rovers did go three or four goals behind.

England World Cup Riddle

After England's performance this morning against ten man Belarus, injured Rovers star Chris Riddle has offered to come out of international retirement to play in Germany. "I know the New Zealand Government has a travel advisory out recommending against travelling to Germany" said Riddle "but frankly I could do a better job than the England strike force hobbling on one leg".

Rovers Manager Steve Hall supported Riddle "I know the lad is injured and can barely walk, but I think Chris would offer England another dimension". Hall went on to say that his mother was on the plane to of all places Portsmouth next weekend "I know Pompey are looking at my mum for next season, and she's pretty handy with her handbag if Sven wants to add a bit of punch to the England attack".

Smith Reshuffled

Rovers Manager Steve Hall announced this morning that Charlies Smith would not be starting in goal in the upcoming rematch semi-final against Infinity. "The lad says he was bored playing there, which probably accounts for how they got eight goals in the last game" reported Hall "so I think we'll have to consider where Charlies will be of best use to the team". Hall denied rumours on the internet that Smith was being dropped so that he could undertake a behavioural modifcation programme aimed at developing greater empathy for referees. "We don't want to curb his natural enthusiasm for the game" said Hall "although perhaps he could leave it out when it comes to giving referees advice on the rules". Smith was unavailable for comment.

Rovers Routed

Land Rovers were today taken to the cleaners by Infinity in an end of round match at the Shed of Horror Stories. "We kept pace with them for much of the first half and at half time it was 4 -3" said Rovers manager Hall "but we fell away in the second half and didn't pose a consistent threat to them as the game wore on". Chris Riddle pulled up lame for the second time against Infinity and the game started to slip away after Infinity got some soft goals to pull several goals ahead.

"It was all fizzling away to a quiet loss when Eddie was judged to have fouled an opposition player" said Hall "then we found out about some obscure rule we'd previously not heard about that five free kicks equals a penalty". Charles Smith forcibly expressed his view to the referee that it wasn't a free kick and the argument continued after the match. "I was a bit worried Charlie was going to get a ban from the competition so we used a couple of claw hammers to get him off the referees face" said Hall ".

Hall may have to consider a new approach for the rematch against Infinity in the semi-final "Looks like fouling our way to success is now ruled out by this new rule, so we might even have to resort to playing football next time". Hall ruled out bringing in a ring-in to blow Infinity off the planet "We're going to stick with the team that got us here" said Hall "but if a flu epidemic hits the squad the day before the semi-final then I know some lads who might be useful to our championship aspirations".

Final Score: Land Rovers 4 Infinity 8

1, 2, 3 . . . Infinity

Rovers Manager Steve Hall was quietly confident this evening that his side would acquit themselves well in their fixture tomorrow against Infinity. "We might not show our full hand until the semi-final" said Hall "as we don't want to give too much away at this stage". Hall said that Rovers would take one game at a time unless they decide to take it two games at a time in which case they'll be ahead of themselves. Hall said Infinity would be hurting after their surprise loss to Ten Left Feet last week. "Obviously we've analysed the tapes and we think that if we play only with our left feet then Infinity will struggle". Hall however has ruled out asking the team to hop on their right leg during the match "We're not f#*#*ng crazy" exclaimed Hall.

Pollock Says Referee Wrong

Rovers supporters club president Liz Pollock said this afternoon that the referee for the Champions League final was wrong to apologise for blowing his whistle too soon and sending Jans Lehmann off. "Not that I've got anything against those scumbags Arsenal" snarled Pollock "but the referee should have sent him off, allowed the Barcelona goal and then sent off another Arsenal player for good measure". Pollock is still recovering from Spurs missing out on the Champions League spot after supposedly suffering from food poisoning before the vital match. "My body went out in sympathy with the Spurs team, I've felt like crap ever since".

Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was always concerned when London clubs didn't perform well "Yeah I was really cut up about that" said Hall " just like when Chelsea went out- I'll celebrated for a week- oh I mean commiserated" Rovers look forward to a rematch this week with the only team to beat them this season Infinity. "We're likely to play them in the semi-final a week later so we'll be looking to kick some butt" said Hall "I've got Smith out running shuttles as we speak".

Smith Almost Run Down By Kenny Dalglish

In another one of Charlies Smiths legendary lunch time rants about his colourful life, he today admitted he had once almost been run over by Kenny Dalglish's Jaguar car. "When I become road kill it won't be at the hands of some obscure footballer from the lower divisions" said Smith "I intend to be the victim of a top class striker". Player agent George Nash disputed that former Celtic player was a top class striker "Dalglish was crap, he dinnie play for Rangers".

In other news, Liz Pollock passed on her thoughts about Arsenal losing the Champions League final. "I feel their pain" said Pollock "but the referee had an outstanding game and I think he did a wonderful job of blowing his whistle quickly".

Rovers Top Table

In a hard fought game this afternoon at the Shed of Delusions, Land Rovers held off a determined Intergen team to take out the game 6 - 4. "We got out to an early lead of 4 - 1 but they pegged us back to 5 - 4 going into the last few minutes" said caretaker manager Smith "then new boy Natelli hit them on the break and we were home". Rovers went top of the table for a couple of hours although Computer Says No have a three games remaining to Rovers one, so they're expected to top the table.

"We've got Infinity next week and we expect to play them in the semi-final as well" said Smith "so we're on target for a final against Computer Says No". Smith said the team had gained a bit of experience over the season and should be able to make the computer say yes when the time comes. "I did a great job today" said Smith "and if another club wants to come in for me with a big money offer then I guess I'll have to consider anything over a million". Interviewed by phone from his sick bed, ailing Rovers manager Steve Hall said he would review what he was paying Smith to play for Rovers, and he was likely to double or even treble his current playing fees if he'd "shut his cakehole'. Smith is currently on an undisclosed contract.

Rovers 6 Intergen 4

Smith Takes Helm

Charles Smith was today named captain for todays fixture against Intergen at Shed 1. Manager Steve Hall said "I've been sick for a few days and frankly I'm starting to suspect someone poisoned me, it's the fashionable way to get ill these days". Smith who only yesterday said he taught Steve Gerrard the finer points of shooting from long range, will get the chance to make his name as he leads the squad into the match. "Infinity were beaten on Monday so we can go top with a win today" said Hall "so let's hope the lads don't miss my incisive leadership, silky touches and charisma".

Smith said "I was looking for the opportunity to step up to captain, but I deny all knowledge of spiking Steve's drink or poisoning his sandwiches". Smith said he thought he would bring some new and innovative touches to the squad, and would put new signing Alex Natelli through his paces. "If anything goes wrong I'll be blaming the new boy" quipped Smith "but with Chris Riddle back I have always got a choice of scapegoats".

Wiseguy Signs For Rovers

Alex Natelli will make his debut for Rovers tomorrow after the current flu epidemic took a toll on the Rovers squad. Manager Hall has been out of action for several days and commented from his sick bed "I got delirious over the weekend, I had this dream that Stephen Gerrard scored a thirty metre equaliser in injury time in the cup final and went on to win a medal". Although a known Manchester United sympathiser, Hall said he'd rather have the cup on Merseyside than have some bunch of rough Londoners blowing bubbles in it for the next year.

As for Natelli signing for Rovers "I've been looking for a player with a vaguely Italian sounding name to add a bit of class to the team card. I mean to say the names Smith, Riddle, Hose, Fatu and Hussey are hardly classy names but Natelli brings that little bit of quality". Hall said he was now just looking for a player with a name ending in "ich" . "A Skratchmeich or Ivabigich would make us look a bit more continental" said Hall "but we'll settle for a Dummbich if we can get one"

Sven Final Bound

Sven-Goran Eriksson said today he hoped to see out his managerial contract by reaching the final. "I didn't even realise he'd joined our indoor league" said Rovers Manager Hall "and frankly if he thinks he can rescue Solnet from here then he hasn't seen them play". Hall himself had more modest ambitions "I want to see us acquit ourselves well in the remaining games" said Hall "and I think the whole team is expecting Mark Fatu to score soon". Fatu has been going through a lean patch but is focussing on his football at the moment "Yeah I focus on a football in my spare time, I find it relaxing" confirmed Fatu. Rovers play Intergen next Wednesday but have already qualified as a top three team with two round robin matches remaining.

Riddle "I Taught Young Theo Everything He Knows"

Southampton fanatic Chris Riddle said this afternoon that he taught Theo Walcott everything he knows. "I had this dream I was manager of The Saints and I had managed to avoid selling Theo to Arsenal" said Riddle "needless to say we then won the Champions League three years in a row beating Barcelona by ten - nil in the third final". Riddle went on to say he was given the freedom of the city before waking up and finding Southampton were still in the Championship. "I thought I was still in the dream when I heard Theo was in the England team, then I found out he'd moved to Arsenal so I knew it was the real world" said Riddle.

"Chris will be talking to the club psychologist" confirmed manager Hall "he's being getting persistent delusions that the Saints are a good team".

Smith Attracts Attention of Cameras

Charles Smith was the centre of attention at a gala dinner last night with guest speaker former All Black Eric Rush. "Charlie thought he'd sneaked in the back door of the Jimmy Cook when this camera crew appears from nowhere and pokes the camera in his mush. We all ducked for cover and left him to it" said Rovers manager Hall.

"You know I just have that natural charisma that attracts the press" claimed Smith "and I've been giving Mark Fatu a few pointers how to handle the admiring fans and media". Manager Hall said it was becoming a bit of a circus with Smith as he got the same treatment again today. "Charlie's is getting more publicity than Theo Walcott right now and that takes some doing".

In other news Liz Pollock was telling anyone who would listen that Spurs should get a rematch against West Ham. "I can't see the point" said Hall "they'll only go and lose a second time and it will compound their disappointment".

Argey Bargey

In a controversial match this afternoon at the Shed of Light - Captain courageous and Rovers Manager Steve Hall was sensationally sent to the sin bin in the third minute after he complained to the referee about a Solnet defender pushing him in the chest off the ball. "Two big ugly Solnet guys came and pushed me around so I gave the referee some frank advice about what he should do with them" said Hall "next thing you know me and one of the Gorillas are in the sin bin. It was like Ice Hockey without sticks".

Hall recovered his composure after a discussion on the rules with the Solnet defender in the sin bin, and came back on to score four in a 7 -1 rout. "We eased up on them in the second half after going five - nil up by half time, so that Charlie could have some practice in goal for the semi-finals". Smith was in acrobatic form in goal and his full length dives were a spectacle to behold. "I was in magnificent form today" chortled Smith "almost unbeatable until they fluked one in the last minute. Even then it was an own goal off Lance".

New signing Patrick "Viv Anderson" Grant debuted for the Rovers after star players Chris Riddle and Colin McIntosh were unavailable for the match. "Patrick was a fine addition to the defence and we'll take a look at the lad for the semi-finals if he's available" said Hall "I liked the look of him as soon as I found out he supported Port Vale". Rovers have gone through the first round with only one defeat and now face Intergen again in the next round. "It'll be an interesting test of how far we've come since the first round" said Hall " and we're secure in the top four now and get to play the team that beat us Infinity again in the last round ".

Final Score: Rovers 7 Solnet 1

Pollock Inconsolable

Rovers Supporters Club president was inconsolable this morning after the other love of her life (besides Rovers that is) Spurs dipped out on a Champions League place to Arsenal. "Although everyone else expected this to happen all season" said a concerned Steve Hall "it seems it came as a surprise to Liz". Hall though said that Rovers would be looking after its own and the club would be offering Pollock counselling this morning. "Charlie Smith knows all about last minute changes in fortune with Pompey, so I think the club will stump up with the price of a coffee this morning so that Charlie can take Liz out and tell her all about Pompey's great escape, should take her mind off things". Rovers play Solnet today in Shed 1 and are rumoured to be missing star player Chris Riddle.

Hall Says No To Heskey

Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed today that Emile Heskey would not be coming to Rovers after Heskey was dramatically placed on stand-by for the England soccer team. "We'd thought about putting a bid for Heskey as on his current form he'd fit in well at Rovers" said Hall "but obviously because he has scored five goals this season for relegated Birmingham, he's now suddenly in the frame to help England win the World Cup". Hall went on to say that Rovers were in any event focussed on developing local talent rather than buying in a big name from overseas. "All managers would like the money to buy a Crouch but on our budget we have to settle for a Hussey" bemoaned Hall.

Smith Goes Walkabout

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said that Charlie Smith has gone missing for several days after his on-going celebration of Pompey's amazing escape from relegation. He was last seen raving on about "the great escape" and then said he'd come down with the bloke flu. "Obviously I'm worried about the lad but we're relieved he doesn't have the chick flu" said Hall "and we're confident at this stage that he'll be able to play in goal against Solnet on Monday". Hall remained tight lipped about the exact line up of his team against Solnet but said he was prepared to do an exclusive deal if a womens magazine offered him $1.4 million dollars. "I can confirm I've been looking at Irene Van Dyke but we still have a small disparity between what we can offer her and what she is asking for" droned Hall.

Rovers Launch Winter Product Line

Land Rovers Marketting Manager Noirin Brady announced the launch of the new winter product line. "We're really excited about the new season bibs which we think combine innovative styling with a sleek sporting design" said Brady "we'll be looking to promote this product through our electronic delivery channels targetted at the young upwardly mobile sportsmen with bucket loads of excess cash". Brady said the line had generated considerable discussion amongst a test group of rugby forwards aged 18 -25. "They were stunned" said Brady "and we think that we will do well in the market segment from 50 - 80 IQ points".

Riddle Riddle

Rovers manager Steve Hall gave a firm "no comment" this morning over a leak to the media that he was resting star player Chris "Jimmy" Riddle for the local derby against Solnet on Monday. Hall was witnessed by a media hack yesterday talking to Patrick "Vierra" Grant, giving substance to reports that Riddle was being let go by the club. When contacted at his country estate Riddle brushed aside reporters with "talk to my agent". Player agent George Nash was clearly not amused when contacted by the media and said "Unumptiejobbies ehfulehit - yerall soapdodgers and scaffs". Chairman Rossiter said "This media frenzy isn't helping the club and perhaps you should do a story on Aussie rules instead".

Nash Calls In Lawyers

Player agent George Nash is believed to have called in his Glaswegian lawyers after comments made by Rovers manager Steve Hall. "Maheidsburstin Kinyegeemesumthinfurrit" said Nash, who would not be drawn further on the matter but looked to be in pain. "We're not sure what Mr Nash is up to because we couldn't find a translator"confirmed Hall. Rumours of the introduction of a salary cap into the league apparently triggered the problem. "It's a misunderstanding" suggested Hall "I think he overheard Charlie saying he wouldn't eat that celery crap and it all blew up from there" Hall went on to say Rovers would go into mediation if needed and were prepared to revisit a proposal to have celery as a compulsory lunch item before all future matches.

Rovers Hold Second Place

Rovers maintained second place in the league after this weeks results although Computer Says No are on the same points as Rovers with a game in hand. Leaders Infinity were whipped today by Computer Says No 9 - 6 to lose their first game, but Computer Says No have only dropped two points so far in their draw with Rovers. "We've got two of the weaker teams in the run in" said Hall "before we get a crack at Infinity in the final round. We're looking pretty good for a top three place now and still might qualify top".

Hall was not counting his chickens before they hatched "It's a funny old game and someone might do a Rooney on us yet" observed Hall "and frankly Chris Riddle's right leg is held together with rubber bands and chewing gum". Hall was urged supporters club president Liz Pollock to get the supporters to rally behind the team "The crowd was disappointing today, in fact there wasn't one" detected the dejected Hall "so I'm not sure we're really utilising the pulling power of a player like Mark Fatu".

Hall also commented on Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richard falling out of a coconut tree "When you've been around as long as I have, falling out of a coconut tree is really a bit passe" reflected Hall "and I've seen Charlie Smith fall out of a tree and believe me that one registered on the richter scale".

Come From Behind Heroes

Goal scoring legend Colin McIntosh was the toast of the Land Rovers Football club this afternoon when he knocked in a winner with time almost up on the clock. Land Rovers miraculously pulled back a two goal deficit in the last two minutes to beat AMP 7- 6 at the Shed of Dreams. "I took myself off with four minutes to go to assess our tactical options, and we swapped Charlie for Colin in goal, and for the last two minutes brought myself and Colin back on. The opposition wilted and we knocked in three to take it out with thirty seconds or so to spare". Rovers had led 3 -1 early on but faded in the middle part of the game to see four unanswered goals fly in for a 5 - 3 deficit. "We lacked discipline there for a while" said Hall "but to their credit the boys rallied and got back into it".

Chairman Rossiter was pleased but had mixed emotions "AMP are my old club so whilst I'm elated to beat them, I can empathise with how they must be feeling this afternoon". Goal scorer, hero and jolly good bloke Colin McIntosh had no such feelings "It's a 24 minute game and you have to go right to the end" said McIntosh "so I think our superior fitness showed through at the end". McIntosh went to say that Rovers had a lot of old wise heads on the pitch and had learnt from the draw a week earlier how to close out a game.

"We'll give the boys a day off training for that" said Hall "and then we'll be back to analyse some video in preparation for the next match".

MOTM Colin McIntosh

Final Score: ROVERS 7 AMP 6